Friday, January 30, 2009
Night swiftly descended as I drove to work. Tonight wasn't any different than any other night. Same old routine ... or so I thought.
I pulled into the garage, breathing a sigh of relief that my parking space hadn't been invaded by my day shift counterpart. I leaped from my car, surprisingly elated to be at work early and eager to get the night over with. I hurried across the street to the building, swiped my access card and entered.
Several custodial staff members roamed around, mopping and vacuuming while I clocked in. I hurried upstairs, donned my lab coat and rushed down to the lab. After retrieving the requisitions for cytology, I set to work and called up my boyfriend, anticipation oozing from every pore.
We are currently amid a two week non-voluntary hiatus. Simply put, he’s out of town on business and is the longest duration apart from one another.
The phone rang.
He answered, "Hello?"
"Hey ..." I responded breathlessly.
"What's goin' on?"
"Not much, was thinking about you and missing you ... how was your day?"
We volleyed back and forth, detailing our occupational and academic adventures. The sounds of the couriers and drivers continuously trudging in did little to dampen my spirit and excitement over hearing his voice. Prior to calling him, I had spent a great deal of the day attempting to jailbreak my iPhone. Needless to say, I didn't have much success. I came to the realization that I was once again becoming green-eyed over his prison-broke phone. So I told him I had a confession.
"What's wrong? Is everything okay?" he asked.
"Well, it's nothin' serious baby. I was just admitting I had another green-eyed moment. And I know you'll roll your eyes but you know I'm working on that!"
"Mmmm-hmmm," he droned playfully.
I confessed my thoughts and waited for his reaction.
He chuckled and began to say something just as the phone disconnected.
I immediately placed my work to the side, picked up my phone and dialed him back. The ringer buzzed a few times in my ear and then I heard him pick up.
"What happened?" he inquired.
"No idea ... damn AT&T!" I huffed angrily as I continued combing through the lab requisitions.
"So did you hear the last thing I said?"
He hesitated. "Oh, oh ... good then!"
"Um, what'd you say? I won't get upset, just talk to me," I assured him, secretly fearing he was upset about my uncontrollable envious personality.
"Well, I started laughing and said 'that's why I love you', even when you're green-eyed!"
“Wow, I can’t believe I just said that ... I haven’t said that to anyone in a long, long time baby ... since I was in college. I just can’t believe I said that!”
My heart fluttered a few times, not quite sure I was hearing him correctly.
“I didn’t want to say that over the phone, I’d rather say it in person but I guess you can’t control when it happens,” he continued chuckling out of nervousness.
“I really love you baby boy!”
Monday, January 26, 2009
(The Way - Jill Scott: Who Jill Scott? Words and Sounds, Vol. 1)
Last Tuesday morning, I did exactly that. I grinned a toothy smile from ear to ear in hungry anticipation for what I considered the most astounding event of my lifetime and in the history of America:
The inauguration of Barack Obama, the first African-American President of the United States.
I can recall as a youngster my grandfather's die-hard civil rights fanaticism and the mark it imparted on my life. I was instructed to always be proud of my ethnicity and understand our history no matter how embarrassing or difficult it felt when infrequently taught in school. An attendee of the March on Washington, my grandfather felt our race was the most prominent aspect of our appearance and strived to instill an extraordinary sense of decency and decorum. Consequently, I harbor an extremely profound sense of pride for my people (even when they annoy me) and carry myself as honorably as possible.
So it comes with no surprise that I believe my vote for Barack Obama, like the vote of most African-Americans, carried with it the spirit of my grandfather's vote as well as the weight of my ancestors extending back to Africa. Furthermore, many African-American individuals stated that they voted based not upon race but on the issues facing contemporary America.
Nevertheless, the emotional factor that determined my vote runs exceedingly deep. It is something that many of my white friends and colleagues cannot possibly comprehend. Consequently, watching the fulfillment of that vote, that dream of an African American president, simply took my breath away.
I sat in the kitchen with my parents, Java-Mama and Pops and while we joked and commented throughout many of the pre-inaugural happenings (i.e. outrageous outfits, who was thinking what, the event running on CP time, etc.), silence rapidly descended during the oath of office and throughout Obama's inaugural address. I glanced over to catch my mother tenderly dabbing at the corners of her eyes and Pops looking on in quiet satisfaction, his mind flashing back to days when this event would have been nothing more than a pipe dream.
They came of age during the Civil Rights era, watching evening news reports displaying pictures of beaten protestors, sprayed with hoses and attacked by dogs. They experienced the void in our community with the deaths of the great Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, John F. Kennedy and Robert Kennedy. And my father, who was raised in the substantially racially charged state of Mississippi during the 1940's, felt the sting of injustice and discrimination at segregated schools and restaurants.
Yes, I've had it good but only because of their generation and the many before them, who fought to bestow this upon me. I've been fortunate enough to attend top schools, experience diversity among my social circle and never remain confined to the back of a public bus.
This inauguration meant so much to young and old alike in our community. And as I watched Barack and Michelle walk the streets of D.C., I felt an enormous swelling of dignity and wished my grandparents had lived to witness this day.
Reality has set in. The time for celebration has passed and Obama is hard at work. Will his presidency mimic his predecessor or will he outshine the administrations of some of our most esteemed presidents? History will be the arbitrator of that question. Does his achievement signal the end of racism and discrimination for blacks and other minorities in America? Perhaps. The fight for equality is not over by a long shot. There will still be a hate crime somewhere, sometime before the fulfillment of his first week. However, we must stay true to Obama's message: "...But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America."
That night, as I sat at my desk at work, extremely focused and on cloud nine, I listened to the song "Changes" from the late Tupac Shakur on the radio. And as the line, "we ain't ready to see a black president" was uttered, I simply smirked to myself in deep amazement.
Dedicated to my grandfather ...
"Hey Grandpa, we did it!"
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
I've been travelin' on this road to long
Just trying to find my way back home
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone
I turn my head to the east
I don’t see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west
Still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north
Swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me is dead and gone
But that new me will be all right ...
(Excerpt from Dead And Gone - T.I. feat. Justin Timberlake)
Monday, January 19, 2009
And I'm running out of things to do to get you off my mind”
(Long Distance - Brandy: Human)
I'm going through withdrawal.
You see, The Voice travels a lot for business and is scheduled to be away for nearly the entire month of February. While I'm going to visit him at least once, I'm still not 100% on board with this. I know I'm being selfish when I say this but I didn't sign up for a long distance relationship.
Travel is a major factor in any relationship. It's inevitable. For example, my aunt is away from her family a lot due to the nature of her consulting work and I see it with a lot of other couples. Nevertheless, it doesn't make it any easier.
Furthermore, I really freaked out after hearing about the plane crash (January 15th) in New York City. I'm extremely relieved to hear that no one was killed but I did find it exceedingly unnerving when I discovered that it was the same carrier (U.S. Airways) that my boyfriend utilizes.
The Voice and I don't spend much time together. We typically meet up on weekends as he is traveling and/or working Monday through Friday and I'm swamped with school and work likewise. Currently, I'm finding the separation difficult because I have a lot of free time on my hands. I believe that once school begins, I’ll be extremely preoccupied and dwelling less frequently on the situation.
I know that he reads my blog and many of you are going to tell me to grow up and deal with it, but I titled the blog “Beautifully Human” and I admit to my flaws and shortcomings. On that note, I’m going to share that I’m angry with his job, angry with him, angry at myself, angry at the city he’s in, angry at the world – ah hell, I’m just angry! I know that I should be grateful and focus on the positive memories and aspects of our relationship. However, I simply can’t flip a switch and shut off my emotions.
Externally, I remain serene and stoic. I attended a luncheon for Martin Luther King this past Saturday and went to the casino (Foxwoods) with The Divo yet betrayed no trace of emotion. Internally, I’m missing him and deeply upset because he should be by my side. And because I am human, I’m also feeling a bit spiteful. I want to pout sometimes, throw a fit, maybe give him an attitude the likes of which the world has never seen. Nevertheless, I check myself. I’m too mature to go that route ... (continued below video)
Brandy - Long Distance (New) [HQ]
Uploaded by wonderful-life1989
So this week and in subsequent weeks, I’m going to focus on practicing. I’m going to clean up my bedroom. I’m going to catch up on some projects. I’m going back to the gym. I’m going to shop for clothes. I’m going to catch up on all my television shows on DVR. I’m going to plan out my summer internship.
I’m going to find any and everything I need to do because if I sit and concentrate on the separation it’s going to eat me alive. Depression will devour my heart. Anger will consume my mind. I’m going to pray to God to grant me serenity and sanity. Because if I don’t find something to occupy my thoughts, I’m going to throw away the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
I desired a relationship for so long, and now I’ve got one. It’s not the most ideal relationship but show me one that is! I stated a few posts ago that I was going to work hard cementing this. Nevertheless, emotions simply don’t lie.
I need a little help here:
What ideas can you suggest to help keep my mind off this?
And how do you cope with being away from your significant other for long periods of time?
Friday, January 16, 2009
Regis: “Final answer?”
Me: “Yep, final answer!”
It's been nearly five months since I met The Voice and it's been one crazy ride after another. What started as a chance meeting at a rambunctious party last year has turned into something much more. We have bared our naked souls to one another and even after we’ve locked horns, we simply can't release one another.
In the song True from Brandy, she claims, "I've never been a victim of love before so I'm not sure what I should be looking for ... " She sums up this feeling precisely. I thought I was in love with previous “kats” but now I know I was blind to the truth. I was in love with the idea of being in love. But this feels different. I'm experiencing a romance with The Voice with a little something extra on the side:
The hints have been revealed by his roommates, my parents, and our friends. I've repeatedly heard the question "So, when are you guys going to move in together?" We've spent countless hours lying in bed discussing our future children’s names, who will decorate which room of the apartment and even what next Christmas will be like. The young K.C. lived live for the moment, enjoying his time with whomever showed affection.
I attribute this evolution in attitude to maturity. Both of us are nearing the big 3-0 and most of our friends and family are settled down and starting families. I suppose age really does alter one’s life perspective. Java-Mama and The Divo recently shared their observations of significant change in my personality. They noticed that I'm exceedingly outgoing and confident. Initially, I didn't see these changes however, reflecting on these past months, they're absolutely correct. Last year, I attended social events, parties and clubs and didn’t feel a twinge of anxiety.
The Voice is empowerment.
I'm understanding his moods while he's deciphering my facial expressions. In public, we seem to communicate telepathically and instinctively pull off the "perfect couple" routine. Key gazes across a room, caressing hands, secret smiles all emerge in social settings. Additionally, his friends have entrusted me with driving their vehicles, watching their children, and throughout a medical emergency this past December, they even considered me part of the family.
Furthermore, my family has opened up a lot with The Voice. For example, he decorated our Christmas tree and this past Sunday, was ignored my Java-Mama and me during Desperate Housewives (now if that doesn't indicate you're part of the family, I don't know what does!)
Nevertheless, things aren’t always sunny in our loveworld. Since we’re quite a force together on good days, we become hurricanes during our bad days. Problems arise due to our extremely similar personalities. We’re exceedingly particular about how we want things almost to the point of perfection. And when we argue, neither of us is willing to concede.
Moreover, we’re terribly independent and headstrong. If we desire something, we work hard to achieve it and deny any and all external assistance. This becomes a substantial problem in a relationship as a relationship is dependent upon reliance and support from the significant other (Wow! That sounded like a sentence from a psychology paper!)
While we both have flaws (arrogance, stubbornness, mood swings, etc.), we’re working hard at communication and openness. We discuss nearly every aspect that permeates our relationship and rarely make decisions in our separate personal lives without at least informing the other. Neither of us has ever been involved in a solid, future-building relationship before so this is truly “the blind leading the blind.”
In 2009, I am hoping to move this relationship to a higher level. Many of the mistakes and gaffes that occurred last year will be left behind. The honeymoon phase has ended and the next chapter is beginning. Besides, there’s no doubt that he is committed to me (and vice versa) and now it’s time to make the relationship flow. This year, I want to enjoy “us” just as I did when we first met and yet work diligently to cement what we have. Who knows what this year will encompass but one thing is certain: it will truly enjoyable with The Voice by my side.
So, out with the old and in with the new!
“Baby, this first year is going to be colossal and something you’ll never forget or regret!”
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Precise attention to detail
The way you sing
The way you speak
The way you run
The way you intently watch television
The way you shower
The way you style your hair
The way you sleep
The way you eat and drink
The way you walk
The way you dress
The way you hold me
The way you care for me
(inspired by the song "Part Of The List" by Ne-Yo: Year Of The Gentleman)
This morning, I received the latest piece from Professor Hand Killer via mail and my initial reaction is "FREAK OUT!" I swear she's trying to kill me (you'll understand once you view the video below)!
The selection is Beethoven's Sonata Op. 10, No. 3 and totals nine pages in length! I'm not entirely certain I'm ready however, I said something similar in previous semesters and I mastered those pieces.
So let's roll up our sleeves and get to work!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Now, I know it's been a minute since I wrote on my blog. You know, the holidays and having a boyfriend kept me occupied but I’m back and "ready to go right now!" (as John Legend would say!)
I had several posts lined up to share my holiday experiences but I believe it’s best to leave 2008 in the past. While I had many great Christmas memories (i.e. going to The Grinch Musical and spending the day with my man and his god-children), I also experienced some not so pleasant moments (i.e. arguing with my man long distance following New Years).
So let the past be the past and let's focus on the year ahead!
I've been enjoying my month long break from school and the semester begins Jan. 26th. I'm really nervous since I'm taking a psychology statistics course and I suck horribly at math! Consequently, if you don't view many posts during the forthcoming semester, you'll know why!
Additionally, I'm researching info regarding a summer internship I'm interested in. This would be a outstanding opportunity following graduation and gain valuable insight about the music industry. However, the position I’m considering is unpaid and would require relocation. I have no qualms about relocating but I do require income. I'll keep you guys apprised of my decision.
The biggest thing I'm looking forward to in 2009?
I'm going on a cruise in October! I’m super excited and extremely giddy about this! We've submitted our deposits (for a balcony suite) and we'll be traveling to St. Kitts, St. Thomas, Dominica, San Juan, Puerto Rico and numerous other saint-named-islands. Furthermore, I’m most thrilled about meeting my future mother in law The Voice's mom! There’s so much to do but in the end, I'm sure I'll have a blast!
Another thing I'm looking forward to in 2009 is cutting my yarn locks. As of March, it will be one year and I've attained several inches of growth. I'm still pondering over this decision and I’m unsure whether I’m ready for the "pregnant stage" but sooner or later, I have to go through with it.
Unfortunately, my year didn't begin well concerning my health. As you know, I lost nearly 20 pounds last year during my initial months dating The Voice. Sadly, I gained some of it back and following a routine check-up, I discovered my cholesterol went back up. I attribute this to the constant dining out on weekends and new work/school schedule. The late nights and busy days have radically altered my eating habits and I'm not getting my three daily meals. Moreover, I learned that I have a cavity on my wisdom tooth. These findings have led me to make some SERIOUS changes!
No booze (13 days sober so far!), no sweets, no fast food, no late night snacking and I’ve returned to eating Cheerios. Furthermore, it's back to the gym A.S.A.P.
:: sigh ::
So those are the biggest happenings in my life for 2009! I'm ecstatic about a myriad of things this year and the possibilities they will bestow.
What are the most significant changes (I prefer not to utilize that blasphemous word "resolutions") you've made in your life for 2009?
... And no, I didn't forget about The Voice! A lot to discuss so keep an eye out for part two in a few days!
Monday, January 5, 2009
So many good things to be expected in 2009 so let's kick it off right!
I posted a Halo video around Thanksgiving but it was a slideshow. So now I've found the official video and totally loving it! The lighting, the ambiance, and especially Ealy with his sexy baby blue eyes! LOL