Monday, February 1, 2010

Bad Romance

Okay, so I suppose the first thing to clear up now that I’m back is to explain a little about what happened between me and The Voice.

Truthfully, I don’t think I want to get into all the gory details about who, what, when and why’d y’all break up. Nevertheless, I did say I needed to get some of this off my chest so I suppose I have to open up a little.

It’s a bit odd to be typing this especially since this time last year I was excited about having my first Valentine’s Day with my very first solid romance. And yet, who would’ve known a year later, I’m not just singing Bad Romance from Lady Gaga but living it.

A few posts back, I explained how The Voice asked for space (right around our one year anniversary no less) and while I was reluctant at first, I did as he requested. Unfortunately, my bad side came back out to play and I happened to traipse into someone else’s sandbox. Unfortunately, the sand isn’t any whiter on the other side of the fence. Right as we were about to reconcile, the truth came out and I’ve endured the consequences ever since.

So now to fill in the gaps: a week before our departure on our cruise, we got into a nasty argument. All kinds of things came out and sad to say, The Voice is the kind of guy that hangs on to a lot of things. But I’m not going to point blame because I narrow mindedly went on the cruise thinking that we would get back together and all would be forgiven.

DEAD WRONG!

The night after his birthday, we got into another argument on the ship and that left the entire trip extremely tense. I spent many nights down in the bars and clubs, drinking myself silly and this only led to continued difficulties on the cruise. I’ll have a post up about the cruise so I won’t get too detailed about that.

We returned from the cruise and most of November and December was chilly as The Voice was still upset with the cruise and how things turned out. It got so bad that he didn’t even attend any of my “end of semester” concerts and we talked even less. We tested the highway of friendship out but it was a bit slippery as many of the signs on the side of the road were misinterpreted. There were times when I assumed he wanted me back but when approached he stated he was only interested in friendship because of how badly I hurt him. But remember that neither party walks away uninjured: I was hurting badly too.

The days passed, the holidays came and went and we were cordial and cool with each other but I secretly suffered wishing I had him back and hadn’t messed up so bad. You see, when my past relationships ended, it was easy to become friends after awhile because I blamed them for the breakups and I learned to hate them, personify them as the villain. Sadly, I couldn’t hate The Voice and he’s said the same about me, despite all the arguments and problems we endured the last few months. Additionally, I understood that this was unlike any breakup I endured because he was not an online trick or casual encounter and it was also the longest and most involved relationship to date.

Most importantly, I also recognized that I wasn’t to blame for everything that went wrong (despite his desire to make me believe otherwise) and grew stronger.

Well, it’s January and the beginning of a new year. A friend of mine helped me comprehend that I will be just fine by myself. It’s okay to be single again and I’m starting to emerge from my “mourning” period. I miss him terribly and I’m sure he misses me but in some ways this might be the best thing for us. I can focus on my studies, graduation and career while he can concentrate on getting a job (a huge source of contention between us throughout the past year) and returning to graduate school. Besides, even our horoscopes warned against the coupling of a Libra and Virgo but we thought we could defy even the stars!

Yeah, how na├»ve …

Nevertheless, It hasn’t been easy. Consequently our convos are incredibly strained and barely a text or phone call is traded between us. And what diminutive friendship existed is breaking apart. There’s a small glimmer of hope (my Mariah Carey gene) that we could give it a “second time around” but then reality sets in harder than Whitney a crack addict going through withdrawal and I know the past can’t be erased. What’s been said and done is just that: done.

Still, I have to end on this very important note. I do NOT (let me repeat NOT) regret going through this relationship. You see, prior to meeting The Voice, I was getting my life together. I had gotten off my butt and returned to school, and even left my cushy job to pursue my degree! Then he entered my life. He pulled me out of my quiet, introverted world and showed me that it was okay to open my heart again. We attended social events, traveled together and I gained confidence. So many great memories subsist in my mind and it’s a year of my life I’ll never, ever forget.

I was cynical and cold towards the idea of love (you can view the thawing process in all my previous posts on The Voice) and finally, I tore the wall down. As did he. We both fell hard and fast and I felt with him something I hadn’t felt before: a future. But sadly, love is a gamble, a risk and though it’s a beautiful rose, it does have thorns and hurts like a mofo …

But I’ll never be sorry that I felt like that, held him like that, opened up like that, loved like that. I proved that I could love again and while it didn’t work out, I’m not ready to quit on love. I’m stronger, wiser and more mature.

And most importantly, I’m ready for the next time.