“… I might date another race or color,
It doesn’t mean I don’t like my strong black brothers”
- En Vogue (Free Your Mind: Funky Divas)
So during my last two semesters of school, I tried to stay focused on staying focused but as the weeks passed by, I became more restless and anxious. My world crumbled when The Voice and I parted ways and I found myself riding solo through the world.
(Cue Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”)
Now, I’m not the type of guy who likes being unattached so I channeled my breakup frustrations and angst into my studies and soon enough, I began considering something new. I soon discovered he was smart. He was talented. He had the same type of dry, sarcastic humor as me. He was attractive. He was sexy.
And he was white.
Yeah, in all my years of dating and failed relationships, I suddenly found myself checking out a white guy.
Now, let me straighten things out (no pun intended) before I continue: I am hardly a candidate for racism and bigotry. After all, I am African-American and SGL so I have absolutely no right to criticize another person for their religion, gender, ethnicity or sexual orientation. Moreover, I’ve had friends from numerous backgrounds such that if they all gathered in one room, it’d look like a United Nations summit. Plus, it’s hard to be narrow-minded at UMass Boston considering the many students from all walks of life. I enjoy getting to know people from all cultures and backgrounds as it makes life interesting and fascinating.
Nevertheless, I felt some deep confliction then and even now, nearly a year since I admitted I was interested in this guy. However, I had never seriously considered dating a white guy before this “curiosity” began. My “black book” is filled with guys who are mostly from West Indian descent. And the few white guys I dated were flings at the most. Either they were too mature for me (I was exceptionally naïve when I first came out) or I wasn’t serious about them. Either way, it never lasted more than one or two dates. In a nutshell, I don’t have much experience seriously dating outside my race.
I’ve only had about four or five serious relationships, including my first girlfriend and I suppose it was easier to relate to each one because we shared the same racial experiences growing up. Everyone I dated had felt that sting of discrimination. We all knew what it was like to deal with “our people.” We all knew about the “black church” experience. We all heard the ghetto black rumors, knew the black handshakes and drilled every February on our black history. And we all went through the “please don’t let him be black” mantra when we saw a crime being reported on television. But how do you relate when your boyfriend doesn’t have a clue about any of these things?
While I’ve already established that I’m open to new encounters, I somehow have to reconcile with the “traitor to the race” mentality that’s been indoctrinated in our community since long before I was born. I have relatives on each end of the color spectrum but can’t help remembering those echoes of “oh they got them babies with the fine hair.” While most in the community have moved on from that mentality, there are many inside and out the black community that have not. And that’s not even touching upon the racism within the gay community.
Could I have dated too many black guys with issues that it’s turned me off? Does this make me self-hating? While my friends and family may be accepting, what types of ignorant things will we encounter in the real world aside from us being an SGL couple? These are just some of the thoughts swirling around in my head.
I suppose the first step will be to “adjust the vision of my future-self.” For example, when I acknowledged my sexual orientation, I was mostly devastated that my “future-self” would no longer have that all-American scenario: wife, kids, house with a picket fence. In time and as I began to really delve into the gay community, I realized that I just needed to shift that vision a little. The woman became a guy and the kids existed via adoption. Thus, that perfect African-American partner I visualized may become Asian, Latino or white. Or another ethnicity entirely.
Maybe I’m becoming more open-minded as I age. After all, I’m thinking about a long-term relationship and possibly a family the closer I get to 30 while the “me” from ten years ago was all about fun. Who knows where this is all coming from and how it will turn out.
In the end, the most important realization is that regardless of his skin color, I just want the love to be 100% real and honest.
And it doesn’t get any realer than that.