I f***ed up really, really, really, really bad tonight.
I'm typing this entry mere hours after admitting to The Voice that I ended up kicking it with one of the X-Men during our separation. And right now, I'm feeling lower than low ...
Before I go any further, I had an entry ready to be published Monday morning but decided to hold off since circumstances changed. The Voice and I have been going through a "separation" for the past few weeks (beginning of August) and in a nutshell, I've been pleading and pleading for us to get back together.
He disagrees. He had some serious personal issues to work out. I believe that you need to work together in a relationship regardless of the crazy s*** that comes your way. But he wanted to go it alone so I've relented after a few weeks and now that I'm in school again, my mind isn't dwelling on it as much.
Flashback: two weeks after he asked for the separation, I invited an X-Men over. I needed somebody, I needed to feel something, I needed love. Well, two out of three is what I got. There was no love. He didn't hold me like The Voice. He didn't smell like him, he didn't kiss like him, there was no connection between us. So was it guilt that made me realize I want him back or just an epiphany?
Flashforward: I don't know, and I don't care. Right now, as of this minute (12:34 AM), all I know is that I found the man who holds my heart. The truth is (read this slowly and carefully) that I've never, ever loved anyone more than I love The Voice. As we lay tonight holding each other, he admitted how much he misses me (albeit before my ill-timed confession) and I found myself absentmindedly scratching his back, something I know he likes. Who else knows what he likes when go out to eat? Who else knows about his strange little OCD obsession when we leave his apartment? Who else will put together his furniture or anything else he's not handy with? Who else can hold him the way I do? Who else knows his moods as if they were my own?
He is my love, my soul, my everything.
I will do anything to gain his trust back, if it's even possible. And if it is possible, I'll love him stronger than ever.
Trust and believe that.
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An Observer and Listener Of All Things Human
Me, Me, & Me
- K.C.
- Boston, Massachusetts, United States
- Just an average brotha trying to live above average - stop by and say hi!
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My Cast
The Associates
The Divo: my first SGL friend and godfather, hence the alias (male version of diva). He's a jet-setter (traveled to Iceland, England, France, China, Thailand, Jamaica, Bahamas, etc.) and always hails with the latest in fashion (i.e. his Gucci cigarette case to match with his Gucci bag ... nuff said!) but still has time for good old fashioned baby-back ribs.
3 Degrees: my female friend since HS who has obtained two degrees and a masters but can't seem to cook rice correctly (I love teasing her!) Recently she and her boyfriend bought a house together.
Crazy: my oldest friend (about 20 years of friendship) who recently suffered a nervous breakdown, hence the nickname. He's doing better now but his obsession with Lord of the Rings and the fact that he carries real swords around kind of makes me nervous. Although he's straight and extremely religious (go figure!) he seems to have accepted my orientation and my mom refers to him as her third son.
D.G.: my former best female friend who was about the ditziest yet sweetest person I knew. The alias is short for white girl (dub-g) and we were friends since H.S. (almost 10 years), shared a lot of insane club stories and even worked together at the same company. We've since split and she recently had a baby with her boyfriend.
The Black Book aka X-Men
(not all entries)
The Voice: my longest and most involved relationship to date (and we didn't meet online) - a really great guy who opened my eyes to a myriad of possibilities and experiences and could switch from corporate to ghetto in a minute. His name was derived from a poem he wrote titled, The Voice. We've since broken up.
Kingston: my first boyfriend who is very cynical and has a peculiar sense of humor but still holds my heart.
NJ: my first and only girlfriend whom I met in church. We attended our proms with each other and she is now married.
BJ: an ex-boyfriend who managed to capture my heart with his love for music and the only other guy to come close to the same level as Kingston.
Heart2Soul: an ex-boyfriend from Philadelphia who took my relationship expectations to a new level with the possiblity of a serious long-term relationship.
The Executive: ex-boyfriend who looks like John Legend and I still talk to now and then despite his dysfunctional personality.
SideKick: a young guy I recently dated who is really into his sidekick (yeah, that was deep).
Twists: a young kat and a newer addition to the black book.
The Fam
Java-Mama: my mom who is obsessed with coffee, loves mafia movies, home design and all other great aspects of life!
Pops: my dad who is about as country as they come (think John Witherspoon from Friday) with a flair for blues, westerns and some good old fashioned fried catfish!
Rugrat: my younger brother who is a thug on the outside and a softie on the inside. He's a rapper, video game aficionado, and a walking Sportscenter. Recently bought 5 scorpions (yeah, 5!)
Tweet: older sister who is married and a mother of two and grandmother of four and straight up O.C.D.
The General: my personable pit-bull who loves the sun, hates rain and sleeps all damn day. Some guard-dog.
The Doctor: my crazy kitten who is slowly earning his way into my heart and stays pretty much drugged up on "nip" 24/7.
The Others
The Hand Killer: my piano professor for private lessons who for the last 8 semesters has proceeded to torture me with classical music which is ultimately designed to contort the fingers in completely abnormal positions.
Professor X: my professor so named because of the shiny bald dome.
Professor Rasputin: another professor who despite his strictness, isn't so bad (he's not Russian but has an accent).
The Wall: my manager at work (talking to her is truly like talking to the wall; you won't get anywhere!)
Sleepy & Mumbles: two co-workers who are constantly two hours late to work every night; one falls asleep on the job and the other one mumbles so bad you don't know what the hell he's saying.
The Divo: my first SGL friend and godfather, hence the alias (male version of diva). He's a jet-setter (traveled to Iceland, England, France, China, Thailand, Jamaica, Bahamas, etc.) and always hails with the latest in fashion (i.e. his Gucci cigarette case to match with his Gucci bag ... nuff said!) but still has time for good old fashioned baby-back ribs.
3 Degrees: my female friend since HS who has obtained two degrees and a masters but can't seem to cook rice correctly (I love teasing her!) Recently she and her boyfriend bought a house together.
Crazy: my oldest friend (about 20 years of friendship) who recently suffered a nervous breakdown, hence the nickname. He's doing better now but his obsession with Lord of the Rings and the fact that he carries real swords around kind of makes me nervous. Although he's straight and extremely religious (go figure!) he seems to have accepted my orientation and my mom refers to him as her third son.
D.G.: my former best female friend who was about the ditziest yet sweetest person I knew. The alias is short for white girl (dub-g) and we were friends since H.S. (almost 10 years), shared a lot of insane club stories and even worked together at the same company. We've since split and she recently had a baby with her boyfriend.
The Black Book aka X-Men
(not all entries)
The Voice: my longest and most involved relationship to date (and we didn't meet online) - a really great guy who opened my eyes to a myriad of possibilities and experiences and could switch from corporate to ghetto in a minute. His name was derived from a poem he wrote titled, The Voice. We've since broken up.
Kingston: my first boyfriend who is very cynical and has a peculiar sense of humor but still holds my heart.
NJ: my first and only girlfriend whom I met in church. We attended our proms with each other and she is now married.
BJ: an ex-boyfriend who managed to capture my heart with his love for music and the only other guy to come close to the same level as Kingston.
Heart2Soul: an ex-boyfriend from Philadelphia who took my relationship expectations to a new level with the possiblity of a serious long-term relationship.
The Executive: ex-boyfriend who looks like John Legend and I still talk to now and then despite his dysfunctional personality.
SideKick: a young guy I recently dated who is really into his sidekick (yeah, that was deep).
Twists: a young kat and a newer addition to the black book.
The Fam
Java-Mama: my mom who is obsessed with coffee, loves mafia movies, home design and all other great aspects of life!
Pops: my dad who is about as country as they come (think John Witherspoon from Friday) with a flair for blues, westerns and some good old fashioned fried catfish!
Rugrat: my younger brother who is a thug on the outside and a softie on the inside. He's a rapper, video game aficionado, and a walking Sportscenter. Recently bought 5 scorpions (yeah, 5!)
Tweet: older sister who is married and a mother of two and grandmother of four and straight up O.C.D.
The General: my personable pit-bull who loves the sun, hates rain and sleeps all damn day. Some guard-dog.
The Doctor: my crazy kitten who is slowly earning his way into my heart and stays pretty much drugged up on "nip" 24/7.
The Others
The Hand Killer: my piano professor for private lessons who for the last 8 semesters has proceeded to torture me with classical music which is ultimately designed to contort the fingers in completely abnormal positions.
Professor X: my professor so named because of the shiny bald dome.
Professor Rasputin: another professor who despite his strictness, isn't so bad (he's not Russian but has an accent).
The Wall: my manager at work (talking to her is truly like talking to the wall; you won't get anywhere!)
Sleepy & Mumbles: two co-workers who are constantly two hours late to work every night; one falls asleep on the job and the other one mumbles so bad you don't know what the hell he's saying.
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