Moving On

Closing the chapter on one part of my life ...

To The Voice:

Slowly, surely
I walk away from that old desperate and dazed love,
caught up in the maze of love,
the crazy craze of love

Thought it was good,
thought it was real,
thought it was
but it wasn't love

I just don't know
where I should go

Slowly, surely
I walk away from self-serving,
undeserving, constantly hurting me love
deserting me love
You said, I said, we said

But ...

Slowly, surely
I walk away from confusing love,
misusing love, abusing love
this can't be ...

Slowly, surely
I walk away from self-serving,
undeserving, constantly hurting me love

Slowly, surely
one step at a time
But surely I will pass the old love aside,
and love me ...

(Excerpts from Slowly, Surely - Who Is Jill Scott? Words & Sounds, Vol. 1)

Bad Romance

Okay, so I suppose the first thing to clear up now that I’m back is to explain a little about what happened between me and The Voice.

Truthfully, I don’t think I want to get into all the gory details about who, what, when and why’d y’all break up. Nevertheless, I did say I needed to get some of this off my chest so I suppose I have to open up a little.

It’s a bit odd to be typing this especially since this time last year I was excited about having my first Valentine’s Day with my very first solid romance. And yet, who would’ve known a year later, I’m not just singing Bad Romance from Lady Gaga but living it.

A few posts back, I explained how The Voice asked for space (right around our one year anniversary no less) and while I was reluctant at first, I did as he requested. Unfortunately, my bad side came back out to play and I happened to traipse into someone else’s sandbox. Unfortunately, the sand isn’t any whiter on the other side of the fence. Right as we were about to reconcile, the truth came out and I’ve endured the consequences ever since.

So now to fill in the gaps: a week before our departure on our cruise, we got into a nasty argument. All kinds of things came out and sad to say, The Voice is the kind of guy that hangs on to a lot of things. But I’m not going to point blame because I narrow mindedly went on the cruise thinking that we would get back together and all would be forgiven.

DEAD WRONG!

The night after his birthday, we got into another argument on the ship and that left the entire trip extremely tense. I spent many nights down in the bars and clubs, drinking myself silly and this only led to continued difficulties on the cruise. I’ll have a post up about the cruise so I won’t get too detailed about that.

We returned from the cruise and most of November and December was chilly as The Voice was still upset with the cruise and how things turned out. It got so bad that he didn’t even attend any of my “end of semester” concerts and we talked even less. We tested the highway of friendship out but it was a bit slippery as many of the signs on the side of the road were misinterpreted. There were times when I assumed he wanted me back but when approached he stated he was only interested in friendship because of how badly I hurt him. But remember that neither party walks away uninjured: I was hurting badly too.

The days passed, the holidays came and went and we were cordial and cool with each other but I secretly suffered wishing I had him back and hadn’t messed up so bad. You see, when my past relationships ended, it was easy to become friends after awhile because I blamed them for the breakups and I learned to hate them, personify them as the villain. Sadly, I couldn’t hate The Voice and he’s said the same about me, despite all the arguments and problems we endured the last few months. Additionally, I understood that this was unlike any breakup I endured because he was not an online trick or casual encounter and it was also the longest and most involved relationship to date.

Most importantly, I also recognized that I wasn’t to blame for everything that went wrong (despite his desire to make me believe otherwise) and grew stronger.

Well, it’s January and the beginning of a new year. A friend of mine helped me comprehend that I will be just fine by myself. It’s okay to be single again and I’m starting to emerge from my “mourning” period. I miss him terribly and I’m sure he misses me but in some ways this might be the best thing for us. I can focus on my studies, graduation and career while he can concentrate on getting a job (a huge source of contention between us throughout the past year) and returning to graduate school. Besides, even our horoscopes warned against the coupling of a Libra and Virgo but we thought we could defy even the stars!

Yeah, how naïve …

Nevertheless, It hasn’t been easy. Consequently our convos are incredibly strained and barely a text or phone call is traded between us. And what diminutive friendship existed is breaking apart. There’s a small glimmer of hope (my Mariah Carey gene) that we could give it a “second time around” but then reality sets in harder than Whitney a crack addict going through withdrawal and I know the past can’t be erased. What’s been said and done is just that: done.

Still, I have to end on this very important note. I do NOT (let me repeat NOT) regret going through this relationship. You see, prior to meeting The Voice, I was getting my life together. I had gotten off my butt and returned to school, and even left my cushy job to pursue my degree! Then he entered my life. He pulled me out of my quiet, introverted world and showed me that it was okay to open my heart again. We attended social events, traveled together and I gained confidence. So many great memories subsist in my mind and it’s a year of my life I’ll never, ever forget.

I was cynical and cold towards the idea of love (you can view the thawing process in all my previous posts on The Voice) and finally, I tore the wall down. As did he. We both fell hard and fast and I felt with him something I hadn’t felt before: a future. But sadly, love is a gamble, a risk and though it’s a beautiful rose, it does have thorns and hurts like a mofo …

But I’ll never be sorry that I felt like that, held him like that, opened up like that, loved like that. I proved that I could love again and while it didn’t work out, I’m not ready to quit on love. I’m stronger, wiser and more mature.

And most importantly, I’m ready for the next time.

... What You Got Till It's Gone

I f***ed up really, really, really, really bad tonight.

I'm typing this entry mere hours after admitting to The Voice that I ended up kicking it with one of the X-Men during our separation. And right now, I'm feeling lower than low ...

Before I go any further, I had an entry ready to be published Monday morning but decided to hold off since circumstances changed. The Voice and I have been going through a "separation" for the past few weeks (beginning of August) and in a nutshell, I've been pleading and pleading for us to get back together.

He disagrees. He had some serious personal issues to work out. I believe that you need to work together in a relationship regardless of the crazy s*** that comes your way. But he wanted to go it alone so I've relented after a few weeks and now that I'm in school again, my mind isn't dwelling on it as much.

Flashback: two weeks after he asked for the separation, I invited an X-Men over. I needed somebody, I needed to feel something, I needed love. Well, two out of three is what I got. There was no love. He didn't hold me like The Voice. He didn't smell like him, he didn't kiss like him, there was no connection between us. So was it guilt that made me realize I want him back or just an epiphany?

Flashforward: I don't know, and I don't care. Right now, as of this minute (12:34 AM), all I know is that I found the man who holds my heart. The truth is (read this slowly and carefully) that I've never, ever loved anyone more than I love The Voice. As we lay tonight holding each other, he admitted how much he misses me (albeit before my ill-timed confession) and I found myself absentmindedly scratching his back, something I know he likes. Who else knows what he likes when go out to eat? Who else knows about his strange little OCD obsession when we leave his apartment? Who else will put together his furniture or anything else he's not handy with? Who else can hold him the way I do? Who else knows his moods as if they were my own?

He is my love, my soul, my everything.

I will do anything to gain his trust back, if it's even possible. And if it is possible, I'll love him stronger than ever.

Trust and believe that.

Can You Spare Change?

This weekend, I spent time helping The Voice and his roommates, J.J., move into their new apartment.

The weekend before, we spent the night on the town because we knew that work lay upon the horizon. We met up in Boston, walked through the bustling, vibrant North End to a waterfront Chinese restaurant called Billy Tse and then cut through Faneuil Hall and the Commons to the Theatre District to check out Charlie Murphy at the Wilbur Theatre. All in all, it was a perfect last weekend in his old place! Oh yeah, neither of us really found Charlie Murphy all that funny so just an F.Y.I. ... my personal fav? Chris Rock!

This past weekend, I struggled anxiously through class on Friday and then bolted to the new crib to see what I could help out with. J-Male's parents were visiting from out of town and helped with the move along with The Voice and his son (long story but it’s not his biological son!) By the time I arrived at the apartment, most everything was done.

The Voice and I made a final sweep of the old apartment and picked up the remaining items. I looked wistfully around the barren rooms and then after slowly closing the door, decided not to look back, only forward. However, The Voice wasn't feeling that wistful and decided to stick it to the landlady for being such a royal b**** - he unscrewed the front and back porch exterior light bulbs and we bounced!

Next up was the IKEA drama! The delivery people had a little trouble finding the location. They finally got the items there while The Voice and I returned to my house to pick up his super-sized mirror and bedside lamps. We got a call from Lady J who told us that the assembly guy (contracted through IKEA as well) was running late. The Voice called him up only to receive no answer and a dial tone and after multiple phone calls, arguments between Lady J, The Voice and the assembly guy's boss, they agreed to send a person out at eight o'clock at night! Needless to say, The Voice and Lady J were VERY pissed! Please take note that J-Male and I were staying neutral and relaxed throughout all this

They don’t call us “better halves” for nothing! LOL

Well, The Voice then decided to shop at Bed, Bath & Beyond and Target while the furniture was being assembled. However, he cornered the poor, defenseless BB&B saleswoman and unleashed his tirade about IKEA's exceptionally crummy customer service and then left even more irate at the amount of money he had spent! We returned most of it the next day and settled with a less expensive bathroom set with extraneous accessories we acquired at Kohl's, Homegoods and Target. While the assembly man labored away, we all dug into the Chinese food and finished unpacking.

The Voice spent his first night at the crib alone since he was starting to annoy me (chock it up to being late and we were very tired). The following day, we shopped till we dropped and came back to set the bathroom up (I'll post a few pics when I stop by his place tomorrow). After all our hard work, we attended a revival service at my cousin's church which wasn’t too far from The Empire. Java-Mama, The Voice and I were deeply moved and truly uplifted following the pastor's message and the musical selections! Afterward, we checked out X-Men Origins: Wolverine and called it a night.

Our first night together was serene and relaxing and we lay in bed discussing possible furniture arrangements for his bedroom. We spoke softly and then realized his roommates were on the far side of the apartment in their master suite so were able to talk a bit more loudly. Such an revitalizing change from the old apartment (we always kept the TV and vocal volume down for fear of disturbing his roomies).

On Sunday, we shopped again till we dropped and when we returned home, I assembled the lamps, tower fan, bathroom shelves and hung pictures. My “supervising half” arranged and decorated and by that night, his room and the bathroom were honestly starting to feel like a home. I “chillaxed” in the kitchen with J.J. and we all sat around discussing ideas for the living/kitchen area.

I beginning to feel even more at home in his apartment and I'd be a liar if I said the idea of moving in hasn't crossed my mind a few times. J-Male and Lady J get along great with me. We've dined together, I've walked their dog, I take out the trash and do dishes. I'm even planning to cook a Sunday dinner in a few weeks! While The Voice thinks moving in together is too soon, I'm wondering just when the right time is. What if we're still not ready at a year’s time or what if we've been ready all along? We're vibin' on a level that's truly unprecedented. No major fights or quarrels and the few disagreements we do have seem to fizzle out after a short "time-out." I believe people will think I'm too desperate if I move in this early in the relationship however, those same people have been repeatedly asking us when it will happen. We've firmly established our relationship and most of our friends and family have accepted the other into the circle. Although I can think of many positive reasons, I can unearth as many negative concern and that leaves me in a mental standoff.

Nonetheless, it's a spectacular feeling leaving the old behind and focusing on the future! So much has changed in my life in just a few short months. From leaving The Fund, attending school full-time, working at The Empire, to entering into a relationship, The Voice cutting his locks and moving ... even our newest family member! While all this change feels overwhelming at times, simultaneously it feels perfectly natural and I’m aware that without it, my life would be incredibly dreary and lifeless.

So bring on the change and let me feel, breathe and live once again!

Today’s advice?

“Make a change in your life…!”

Movin' On Up ... To The Eastside!

I'm moving!!!!

Well, not exactly but close enough! The Voice and his roommates are moving Friday and I can't wait!

The day after I met The Voice, I was invited up to his apartment. I immeadiately was struck with how derelict it appeared from the exterior however, upon entry, I noticed that they had really personalized it and made it their own. The Voice has two roommates, male and female whom I've dubbed J.J. (who now own a lil' dog so I guess it's J.J., Jr.!) and the place was so small and cramped, I had to enter through their bedroom to get to the living room.

Yes, I know ... ghetto.

His bedroom was on the far side of the small kitchen and while he had decorated it with an accent wall, black leather curtains and tasteful Asian themed knick-knacks, it was still small. That first day when I sat on his bed while waiting for him to finish showering and dress, I recall feeling like a stranger, glancing around, staring at his personal effects on the dresser, eyeing his photos on the mirror and gazing in wonder at his Boston Marathon medal. Within weeks, I began to feel that his room was my second home. As the months passed, I cooked meals there, watched TV in the living room, showered in the bathroom (yes, including the singing off-key), changed fuses in his roomies bedroom, and eventually gained his trust and was left alone in his bedroom when he left for work.

I recall one night, back in early December, I arrived at his apartment at 2:30 AM following my shift. When I got out of the car, I discovered about six to seven large, rather fierce some looking raccoons blocking the path to the door. I did everything I could to scare them away but they aren’t easily intimidated. I eventually got in but his landlady didn’t do much to resolve the problem. Moreover, the neighborhood was filled with problems such as the quarrelsome crack-head neighbors below, the break-in to his roommates car and the fights between neighbors to find a decent parking space.

Despite all of these problems, this upcoming move has me feeling slightly nostalgic, regardless of the fact it's only been a few months. I am going to miss that little quaint apartment ...

Nevertheless, change is on the horizon and trust me, this new place will make me forget about the old rather quickly! The new apartment complex is top-notch, a true luxury apartment feel and located about 5 minutes closer to my house. It's a three bedroom, two bath with hardwood floors, walk-in closets, granite counters, state of the art stainless steel appliances in the kitchen, and glass walk-in shower in the master bathroom. On site amenities include a club house with movie theater, fitness room, sauna, pool, convenience store, park, tennis courts, conference rooms, covered parking and so much more! The complex is still under construction so I can't wait to see how this turns out!

And the best part for me? No giant raccoons to do battle with! No crazy neighbors and a guaranteed parking space when I visit!

Two years ago, when Dub G moved into a brand new luxury apartment complex (and moved out and back again!), I was green with envy. It featured a loft, new appliances, two bedrooms and two bathrooms and while their latest apartment didn’t feature the loft, nevertheless, it was still impressive.

Seems I'm going to get a lil' taste of luxury heaven! And boy is it sweet!

J-Male, The Voice and I stopped by the new place several weeks ago and I was blown away, even after seeing the model apartment. Walking around the building was like being in a four star hotel albeit with fewer people. They don't have many units filled yet so it's like a ghost town in our wing (that's cool by me!) The three bedroom unit (the only one in the complex) was originally meant to be a condo but they decided to rent it out so they’re the first takers.

This past weekend, we went to IKEA with his roommates and they all bought their bedroom sets. He also picked out some really nice bookcases, some cute nightstand lamps, and two tower fans. I also gave him my Rundu (Warning: link leads to adult content) calendars from last year and he’s planning to take the black and white nudes and frame them as art. Lastly, he picked out the most MASSIVE mirror he could find at IKEA and we had to cram that sucker into my small SUV. On a sidenote, the Ford Escape may be small but it sure came through this weekend! Eventually, he is going to get a plasma TV for his room and I’m hoping to get a desk or workspace set up so he’s not using his bed. I’m really enjoying selecting paint samples, arranging furniture and deciding on a theme

Nevertheless, the hard work isn’t over. Most of the major things have been boxed at his place and old furniture given away. Still, moving on Friday, having the new furniture delivered and assembled is going to be absolute chaos. On top of dealing with his bedroom, he also has to decide what to do with the main bathroom. J.J. have the master suite so this bathroom will be his and like they said in Gone With The Wind, “He don’ kno’ nutin’ bout birthin’ no bathrooms!” Hopefully when all is said and done, The Voice will let me post a pic of all our hardwork and you can let me know what you think of our interior design skills! Additionally, I’m pushing to go see Obsessed and X-Men Origins: Wolverine on Saturday night as a reward for our hard work

Oh yeah, I’m already hard at work trying to claim a nightstand, a space in the closet and MAYBE a drawer in the dresser so I’ll keep you guys posted! :: wink, wink ::

Take Me Back

“Sittin’ here thinking bout yesterday
About what we did and how we used to play
Just the thought of you brings a smile upon my face
That’s how it makes me feel to see you everyday

(Chorus)
Take me there,
I wanna go there,
Take me there,
Let’s go there,
Take me to that great place
With wonders and wishes”

Blackstreet, Mya, Mase & Blinky Blink (Take Me There Remix – from The Rugrats Movie Soundtrack)

Going back to the basics was what our weekend theme two weeks ago was all about! I haven't had a weekend like that in several months and to say it was splendid was an absolute understatement!

The Voice and I met up at the train station on Saturday morning and jetted to the post office to apply for his passport. Afterwards, we timidly entered the realm of baby shopping seeking out a gift for my one year old great-niece. We made a pit stop at D'Angelo's and sat in the car in front of Babies R' Us commenting and laughing at the various couples entering. I know, I know, it sounds mean but we were getting a kick out of "who wears the pants in which relationship," poking fun at the husbands who looked like they had been dragged by their toenails into the store. Eventually, we picked out a plastic pink stroller which I hoped would help her with walking - it was also the nicest and cheapest item and you know I'm on a college student, post-Bush recession budget!

I wrapped the gift up, scooped up Pops and left for the party. We arrived very late but that means absolutely nothing at a gathering of CP's! I was especially eager to introduce my sister, nieces, nephew-in-law, and brother-in-law to The Voice. The kids (I have two great nieces and nephews) were swarming around the yard and the house was filled with one ghetto couple after another. Nevertheless, it was good to see my niece, who sorta resembles Solé. Tweet, my sister, was busy helping The Voice get his buzz on (she makes this incredible concoction that consists of Southern Comfort, sherbet and ginger ale and probably some other secret ingredient that she’ll never reveal!).

Well, an hour into the party, I was satiated with my fill of ghetto-ness and we left. Besides, The Voice and I had tickets to check out The Blue Man Group! Now, I had seen the show several years ago with one of the X-Men, Heart2Soul, but I have to say that I found it just as fascinating and inventive and was able to discern more themes the second time around. I kept stressing to The Voice that we "simply cannot be late!" and he kept questioning me. He found out when they allowed a few late-comers to enter the show, shined a spotlight on them, featured them on camera, and sang "Yooooou're laaaateee!" ... he simply glanced over at me, smirking and realized why I had been so insistent! Overall, we enjoyed the show despite not being able to see the entire stage due to several “fatheads.” Following the performance, I was trailed down the stairs by one of the blue men ... damn, those guys really give me the creeps!

We were starving and thus headed to our favorite spot. Yep, you guessed it!

Cheesecake Factory!

A perfect ending to the perfect evening. Walking around the theatre district after a riveting show, dinner at a fairly decent place (the cheesecake and drinks are the only things truly worth checking out!), it was nice to go home and “cuddle” together.

The next day, we slept in and then stopped by UMB so I could take care of my penultimate stats lab. We then spent the remainder of the afternoon furniture shopping, eventually ending up back at IKEA.

SIDEBAR: I finally heard from Crazy and suffice it to say, he's doing good and still crazy! Hopefully we'll hang out soon.

The best part of the evening was when we rushed back to the Lizard Lounge in Cambridge to watch the Poetry Slam Finals which featured eight outstanding poets who rocked the house! The place was small and packed wall to wall, not an empty chair left. I hadn’t seen it like that since the first time he introduced me to the slam. By the way, that was our first date the day after we met. Told ya! It was all about going back, waaaay back, back into tiiiiimmmmmeeee ... okay, it's late, I'm being silly!

The poets, Iyeoka Okoawo, Art, Marlon Carey, Nicole “Cole” Rodriguez, Harlym 1 two 5, Influence, Michelle and Fibo each went three rounds, three minutes apiece with topics ranging from sex and love to political issues. I don’t want to get into specifics because this blog entry will be ten times longer but all were spectacular in his or her unique way. In the end, Marlon, Cole, Harlym 1 two 5, and Iyeoka were chosen to represent the Boston Slam Team in the National Slam Finals in West Palm Beach, FL in August. The place cleared out rather quickly following the intense competition and a small gathering remained to check out the open mic. Suddenly, The Voice felt empowered and decided to get up and spit something … needless to say (and maybe I’m a bit biased), he rocked what was left of the house!

We were the very last two patrons to leave and it was late when we arrived home but that didn’t stop our hearts from caressing one another and we fell fast asleep in our arms.

Monday morning flew by rapidly. Pizzeria Regina and Barnes & Noble filled our day and then I was off to work, my head saturated with thoughts of our “chill” weekend.

I recently expressed that I felt our relationship was getting stale but in hindsight, I feel I was terribly off-base. It’s not stale but rather, we’re exceptionally comfortable with one another. We are no longer erecting our facades of the “perfect boyfriend”; the infatuation has ended. We’re very much in love, but the level we’ve attained is beyond anything I’ve felt for another human being. Many of our flaws have been revealed to one another and while I used to be extremely self-conscious about my appearance and behavior, I’ve come to understand that building a future with someone means tearing down those walls and revealing your true personality. That weekend really helped recapture those heartfelt emotions of what initially attracted me to The Voice.

Blame It On The Alcohol

I've been sober for approximately 3 months and while I can't say it's been 100% (there have been two slip-ups), I've done pretty well for myself! Why am I doing this? Am I addicted? Well, the answer is somewhat complex and not entirely straightforward ...

In order to get a sense of where I'm coming from, let me provide a little background. You see, I originate from a family of drinkers and having been exposed to alcohol since I was a smaller, brattier version of my current self, I took to it like a duck to water.

Growing up, summer barbecues always featured my dad and beer of which my brother and I sweet talked our way into multiple sips (yeah, we were extremely devious!) until Pops caught on. As pre-teens, we visited our cousins in VA and the adults began their "special time" after us kids were sent off to bed. Java-Mama and my aunt would whip up daiquiris, margaritas and crack open wine coolers faster than ex-prez Bush left D.C. in January! Furthermore, Rugrat and I would sneak downstairs to my grandparents apartment and raid their fridge and eventually discovered why the orange juice had a tangy kick to it: my grandmother was notorious for mixing vodka and OJ.

While I laugh at these childhood memories and chalk them up as harmless, I embody memories of the darker consequences and damage alcohol has done to my family and friends. Times such as my Pops' swearing escapades that resulted in him sleeping the evening away while nearly burning the house down because he left the stove on high. Times such as holding Dub-G's hair back while watching her puke her guts out and then go ride off with strangers and her mom calling me the next day frantic and upset because she never came home. Times such as my college roommates vandalizing the dorms at 4 in the morning following a night of drinking. Times such as watching my drunk neighbor beat his pregnant wife on the street late at night while his young son looked on helplessly. Times such as watching a drunk family member beat and debase my cousin and leading my mom to take us to a hotel. Times such as being in the car with BJ as he popped open can after can of beer (I asked to be dropped off at a nearby train station). Times such as seeing my church filled with grieving teens following the car crash death of Rugrat’s close friend mere days from high school graduation.

I’ve also seen what a lifetime of drinking has done to some close friends and even some family members who now suffer from a myriad of alcohol related illnesses such as liver and kidney dysfunctions. Additionally, we have some family members who completed Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Moreover, I had a grandmother I never knew who passed away from cirrhosis of the liver at a mere 40 something years young.

If all this isn't sobering, I don't know what is.

Nevertheless, I do not escape blame as I too have experienced the "dark side" of alcohol. Such as the time I cussed out my parents and late aunt. I lunged at them while Kingston held me back and tackled me to the ground. Times such as being so drunk at the club, I couldn't drive home and Ladybug had to drive my vehicle. Times such as being wasted at a high school prom after-party which the cops raided. Or the time I drove wasted and managed to slip past a police checkpoint. The time I came home with The Voice and sprained my thumb while stumbling around intoxicated merely two weeks out from my performance jury as well as my jazz concert (a devastating injury when you're a musician). And lastly, the time I attended a party and got so trashed, that I ended up sleeping over, in a pitch-black basement, with a strange man lying next to me.

Like Erykah Badu would say, "On and on..."

The point I'm driving home is that it's time for me to take a break. I advocate social drinking and hope to return to it someday but in the meantime, I need to dry out. I enjoy alcohol, however, too much of a good thing ... well, you know the rest!

There's only one problem: I'm dating a borderline alcoholic.

I love The Voice with all my heart and considering the circumstances surrounding our meeting, I'm in no position to judge nor tell him what to do. However, I'm having extreme difficulty dealing with his social pastime amongst his social circle. Nearly everyone The Voice associates with is a regular drinker. However, not EVERYONE he knows is a bonafide alcoholic however, alcohol seems to exist abundantly in his life. When I began this crusade, I truly hoped my decision would lead him away from temptation but that line of thinking was seriously flawed. I've since given that idea up and decided to focus on the benefits to my life. I am more energized, focused and extremely clear-headed. I enjoy not experiencing heavy hangovers on the weekends and I'm more alive than ever before. Nevertheless, I've served as his designated driver on numerous occasions and I'm slowly becoming tired of his persitant need to drink.

He has stated that it isn't an addiction but it seems that everytime he is with his friends or by my house, he's always imbibing. I'm not really sure how to cope with this. While I plan to return to my alcoholic ways (though not as heavily), I'm still a bit frustrated. The Voice traveled out of town twice to party with his friends and came back with behemoth hangovers. Personally, I no longer desire drinking to the point of being wasted and sometimes I simply don't get where he's coming from; I feel as though he's still living out his college days. He's no fun when he's drinking (he falls asleep leaving me bored) and I see him morphing into a younger version of individuals who've suffered the cruel effects of alcohol addiction. Overall, I'm concerned for his health and well-being. Diabetes, liver and kidney illnesses, nervous system disorders, heart problems are all issues that can arise from his drinking. I know firsthand since I've seen what this disease has done to the people I love.

The worst part? He vehemently denies that he's got a problem.

So how can I resolve my issues and feelings surrounding alcohol and still date someone who is very much under the influence?

Is this simply a disaster waiting to happen or can we truly work it out?

On The Streets Of Philadelphia (Part 2)

So I awoke to my second day in Philly and the day was overflowing with untold possibilities. I wanted to experience everything but reality set in and I knew that was impossible since I was scheduled to depart the next day.

Needless to say, time was against us and true to the nature of our relationship, we lounged in bed most of the morning. But can you blame a brotha? It's not often you get to chill in Philadelphia with your boyfriend in a fancy loft of a semi-famous musician ...

We lay there telling stories and I discovered that The Voice used to bus tables during his undergrad years. However, that gig didn't last long after he knocked a customer out cold with a busing bucket! A long story I won't digress into but he had me in stitches for a good five minutes!

We eventually made our way out of bed and showered, eager to explore the city. And of course we couldn't have a weekend away from Boston without a small disagreement. I fussed about his slowness in getting ready but he snapped back regarding my lackadaisical attitude. The argument fizzled once we were in the car and in a few minutes, we were cruising towards downtown Philadelphia.

We zipped past Love Park and City Hall and then proceeded down the Avenue of the Arts. I pointed out the statue of William Penn at the apex of the building. We stopped at a Whole Foods on South Street to pick up some stuff. However, I was on the hunt for the one thing I craved and needed to experience before leaving this city: a cheesesteak! The Divo and his boyfriend visited Philly a few months prior and recommended Geno's Steaks, a few blocks shy of South Street. After a few wrong turns (my one significant complaint about Philly is the lab rat maze-like feel of numerous one-way streets! ARGH! There's no such thing as "around the block"!), we found the Geno's and their competition, packed with hungry people and lines wrapping around the building. I parked in a lot a few blocks away and walked back.

The line moved at a measured pace and I gazed over the many celebrity and non-celebrity photos, autographs and multitudes of fire and police patches. There was even a sidewalk dedication to law enforcement, complete with plaques and bronzed memorabilia. The turn was mine and I ordered a steak with swiss cheese and no onions (they don't agree with me) and got a side of fries and a coke. I swear I put on about 10 pounds after that meal but it was well worth it! The Voice stood with me but being a Vegan, he had no interest in joining me.

Shopping was next on the agenda and I steered us northward, back toward City Hall and down Market Street. We hopped on Interstate 76 and cruised past Boathouse Row on the Schuylkill River and down the scenic Lincoln Drive. The road curved and twisted like a boa constrictor and eventually deposited us in the Chestnut Hill area.

Having fell in love with this area from my last visit, I had go back there. The quaint shops, the cobblestone roads, the small town/village relaxed me to no end and once again, true to our relationship, we sought out the nearest bookstore (Border's) and set about buying stuff we probably didn't need. Yeah, I know, we're dorky like that but we're both huge readers and can easily spend HOURS in a bookstore and not be bored!

We then drove up to the Franklin Mills Mall after some more wrong turns and shopped around for a while. I managed to snag Musiq’s latest album and then we decided to get back to Philly so we could feed our rumbling stomachs. We returned to the apartment and snacked on some leftovers from Warmdaddy’s; little did we know, this would be our undoing. We hopped in the car. Destination: the Gayberhood. (Cute name, huh?) However, The Voice became increasingly nauseous from the food and I turned back to the apartment. He lay down leaving me anxiously bored. I flipped on the plasma TV and surfed around awhile. Eventually, I found some old menus and put in an order for a pizza from a shop around the corner.

Not quite how I envisioned my Saturday evening.

Sunday morning, we lazed in bed awhile and then I began packing. We traipsed to a small Mexican bistro a block away and I had the BEST pancakes in my life, coated with powdered sugar and strawberries and blueberries! Wow, I’m salivating just thinking about that memory …

Right before it was time to depart for the airport, the apartment manager stopped by to straighten up and we had a nice conversation. She moved to Philadelphia a few years ago from Arizona to be closer to her daughter and decided to remain. I think I can understand why.

Nevertheless, before I knew it, I was sitting in the terminal at Philadelphia International next to a bunch of bratty kids who couldn’t sit still to save their lives. I snagged a few souvenirs from the airport gift shop and soon was sailing through the air, on my way back to Boston.

I’ve had the pleasure of visiting Philly twice and each time has been an amazingly adventure. I’ve seen the best of Philly and the worst (visited North Philly the last time and here I thought our hoods were extremely ghetto). Overall, I find the people to be more open and friendlier (we’re a bit stuffy here in Beantown) and the general layout isn’t to hard to follow. Philadelphia is brimming with culture, music, art, and history and I see it as a kindred city. If given a chance to live there, I would definitely consider it.

However, in the spirit of Dorothy, “There’s [truly] no place like home!”

On The Streets Of Philadelphia (Part 1)

This past weekend, I visited the great city of love and man was it brotherly!

Philadelphia.

I flew out Friday morning on probably the most derelict flight EVER! My flight was delayed (which was a surprise since I've never taken issue with Delta) so The Voice and I made it into a competition to see who would arrive in Philly first. I think he touched down a few minutes before me.

These three black guys in front of me were busy yakking away and constantly tapping away on their Blackberry's and Sidekicks. But sister-girl attendant wasn't having it. She made the announcement for everyone to shut down their electronic devices but they continued pecking away. So she came back and said,

"You gentlemen need to turn those off now. Thanks!"

But oh no, sister-girl wasn't done. She then went back to the front cabin and stated on the intercom,

"When I make an announcement, it's for the benefit and respect for all on board so when I say to shut off electronic devices, please adhere! Thank you!"

Wow! :: z snap :: "OH NO SHE DIDN'T!"

“Oh yes she did!”

After several more problems with the lavatory, of which she constantly reiterated,

"I don't know what happened but it wasn't me that messed it up! It was like that when I came on!',

we finally departed.

I managed a seat to myself since it wasn't a full flight and then watched the magnificent skyline pf Philadelphia gradually come into focus out the port window. I was extremely enthusiastic to touch down and see my baby!

I deplaned, breathing in the crisp, cold Philadelphia air and then made my way through the crowded terminal to retrieve my bags. By the way, the $40 fee for an extra bag is absolutely outrageous! Never mind the fact I had to spend several hundred for a weekend roundtrip ... and all I got was a half cup of soda and a tiny a** bag of peanuts that wouldn't even stuff an anorexic mouse?! Come on!

Okay, sorry, I that was the Cassandra Fierce personality taking over … where was I? Oh yeah …

The Voice made his way to my terminal via a taxi (yep, you read correctly: a taxi to go from one terminal to the next! "I'mma I'mma a diva, I'mma I'mma a diva") we hopped on the car rental shuttle to pick up our ride. Now why is it that the most OBVIOUSLY SGL guys work in service oriented businesses? And it's quite OBVIOUS that these OBVIOUS guys are hitting on you. Questions like, "Oh do you two work together?" or "Can I just see your license one more time, sir! ... mmmm-kay, thanks!" Yeah, not OBVIOUS at all! And all while my man was in the restroom ... not cute!

"I gotta man!" - Positive K

So we picked out the car and zipped down the highway to the apartment. We cruised past the Philadelphia Eagles stadium and the Citizens Bank Park and then up the east side of the city. After a harrowing ride, we pulled off the highway and I could see Penn's Landing to my right. The apartment was only a few blocks away in a heavily gentrified neighborhood. I walked in to find a two room studio-like loft. High ceilings, old painted brick walls, a modern open kitchen and a flat screen TV were just some of the luxurious features of this quaint place. It was even cooler because it’s owned by a famous musician and his memorabilia adorned the walls. However neither of us paid any attention to that because we had some “things” to take care of!

The Voice and I strolled down the cold, blustery street to a contemporary Mexican restaurant/bar, sampling their veggie chicken wings and burritos. We were starving after a day of anxious travel. We chilled at the loft for a while and then headed out to our 7:30 reservations at Warmdaddy’s, a soul-food entertainment venue that was featuring Carol Riddick, an up-and-coming R&B songstress. I had been to Warmdaddy’s before however, at their old location on Front Street. The new joint was impressive and much more elegant. Black tables with a modern bar and soothing red toned walls made us long for a Boston location. Carol Riddick came on stage with a four piece band and two backup singers and performed sultry jazz numbers under the neon glow of the Warmdaddy’s sign.

The Voice and I sampled finger foods, the drink menu (except me) as well as their salmon entrée and Cajun chicken pasta. We were both still stuffed from the Mexican food but nibbled nonetheless. Carol possessed a bubbly and bright personality, similar to Jill Scott however, was drowned out by her spotlight hogging keyboardist and drummer. The backup singers swayed to the beat but were never really heard. Such a shame since Ms. Riddick had some serious pipes. After the set, The Voice, feeling empowered by several drinks, conversed with her, offering his unique brand of criticism and complement.

So it was 9:30 and we weren’t ready to call it a night so we braved the massive, crushing crowds at the movie theater adjacent to Warmdaddy’s to check out Madea Goes To Jail. After standing in the LONGEST line of my life (I think President Obama’s first year in office passed by!) just to get some drinks and Twizzlers, we scoped out two seats and kicked back. Now, this movie theater was definitely black owned because we initially stood in line for 30 minutes for snacks. Secondly, the movie advertisements didn’t start until almost 11:05 (supposed to be 10:50) and lastly, following the movie (of which most people were talking through), a fight nearly broke out because someone in the back threw an item in the midst of a group of ghetto girls up front. Yeah, you do the math …

(Item Thrown + Crowded Theater) x Ghetto Girls² = I’M A KICK YO A**!!!!

After the movie, we hurried back to our car and made a dash for the apartment. However, we arrived to find someone parked in our assigned space in the lot. So while I was ready to leave the wheels on the street, The Voice decided to hunt down the culprits and draw and quarter them! Nah, he just wanted to get their car towed. So I suggested the Irish bar across the street and lo and behold, he stalked in their to seek and destroy. I half expected the cops to show up a few minutes later but he eventually emerged with the guy who apologized profusely and we obtained our space.

After short make-out session on our way into the apartment, we crashed in bed and I drifted into a peaceful slumber …

… what would my second day in Philly be like?

My Sickly Valentine (Part 2)

So did we manage to save V-Day weekend?

Sorta.

I was up and down all night, my stomach giving me the ultimate run for my money. The Voice rebounded from his toothache however, my ailments just wouldn't disappear. Gradually, I developed a fever and felt like I was in Shubuta, Mississippi! Every joint in my body ached and my muscles were leaden as though I was in the supergravity of a gas giant. We lay in bed nearly all of Sunday and I fitfully slept in between the gory sounds of Friday The 13th playing On Demand (he's a huge horror fan and I'm not, so I lay facing the wall).

And did he take care of me? Without a doubt! After the release of nearly all my stomach contents, I was feeling extremely dehydrated. I recalled my Nutrition course professor's lesson, that the body needs electrolytes following such an extreme loss of fluid. So I sent my man across the street to 7-Eleven to buy me several bottles of Gatorade. Additionally, he brought me some Zantac to help relieve my stomach as well as break my fever and alleviate my throbbing muscles. He even texted my bro and mom to tell them what was going on!

Later that afternoon, my fever broke and I began feeling extremely restless. So we ended up playing checkers on my phone and he kept me entertained with all sorts of stories from his past. We also watched a really lame made-for-TV horror flick called The Breed. The plot involved a group of "killer dogs" who terrorize a bunch of partying college kids vacationing on an island. Needless to say, it was downright stupid and the effects were lame but I only watched because my sexy baby Hill Harper was in it ("why Hill, why? You're a Harvard law school grad! You're sooo much better than that!") It was more laughable than anything.

This lazy day was exactly what the doctor ordered! You've no idea how great it felt to simply lounge with my boyfriend. And even though I felt like the bottom of my shoe, he stuck by me when I wasn't at my best.

Now, I think I'm beginning to understand this concept called love a lot better. Nevermind that I puked all over the place and had bed hair. Nevermind that I was funky. Nevermind that I basically looked like s****! (T.M.I. maybe?) He was with me.

I think I'm digging this love thing a whole lot! :: huge grin ::

That evening, we left the house and stopped by a Border's Bookstore and picked up some food for him at P.F. Chang's. When we got home, I was beginning to feel crummy again and simply wanted real food (I'd been eating only yogurt and Gatorade) and rest. I entered his room and to my surprise he had heated up a bowl of chicken soup with a glass of Gatorade and some aspirin to relieve my sore arms! While my baby isn't exactly a Le Cordon Bleu graduate, he can hold his own so that really made my night.

The next morning he accompanied me to my primary physician and even went along to the pharmacy. I'm telling you, it

"Don't get much better than this!"

So while our romantic V-Day weekend didn't go precisely as planned, I got to see a more caring, more nurturing side to The Voice. His kindness and patience have left a deep impression on me. In the months that I've known him, The Voice has proven time and time again his loyalty and dedication to his friends. But I often wondered where did I stand? He's opened up tenfold since we met however, feeling that unconditional love when I'm at a low point is truly indescribable and soul-warming ...

... and it's probably the best Valentine's gift I ever received!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Addendum: To answer Sean Stone's question, it was a stomach virus that seemed to go through the entire family, two of which were on antibiotics (Java-Mama and Rugrat). My doc didn't prescribe any for me as the virus had run it's course by the time I went to see him. The craziest part? We all the same symptoms but weren't even around each other (my folks were out of town of the weekend). While I'm all better, it seems that the virus went after The Voice but more on my weekend in Philadelphia in the next post!

My Sickly Valentine (Part 1)

I never understood the meaning of 'lovesick' and now I think I do! But it's not in quite the way you'd imagine ...

I was in high anticipation Friday night and after rushing through my work, I jetted to my baby's crib to hold him tighter than ever before. We curled up and snored the night away, I woke up on Valentine's Day to his grinning face and sparkling eyes. Talk about a great way to begin my special day!

The Voice and I spent most of the day lying in bed, laughing, joking, talking and simply relaxing. After a few hours of laziness, we went out to pick up a few V-Day gifts for his friends and family. We stopped to grab a bite of food and then made our rounds like Santa on Christmas Eve. We swung by Ladybug's crib and met her sister who was visiting from out of town. J-Dub was by and after a shot or two, everyone was feeling nice (except me).

As we left, I was bit annoyed because the day hadn't gone as I had planned and I didn't get all my V-Day stuff together for The Voice. So we headed on to Hollywood Video and picked up Love Jones with Larenz Tate and Nia Long and then proceeded to the Build-A-Bear Workshop where he let me design my own Valentine bear!

Above: Kindred

Some of his friends remarked that this idea was a childish but we tuned them out. Subsequently, we observed a guy and his girlfriend picking out and designing a bear so I felt less awkward.

We then made our way back to his crib and I whipped up dinner. Needless to say, it all went downhill.

How you may ask?

"Well ... " (said like Samantha Stevens from Bewitched)

I whipped up some shrimp alfredo and some fish patties for The Voice. His wisdom tooth started aching so he laid down while I popped in Love Jones. I was really getting into the movie and he presented my other gifts. He gave me a card, the Noah's Arc: Jumping The Broom DVD, and a framed picture of himself with his original poem (and my favorite) titled The Voice. The most amazing part? On the frame was a quote I had texted him while I was Christmas shopping a few months ago which I thought he had forgotten all about! It read:

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you."
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Above: The Voice's gift (he's shy so I had to block out his face!)

So after the movie ended, my stomach started rumbling.

"It's just a little indigestion," I thought.

Well I drifted off to sleep and sometime around 2 AM, I dashed into the bathroom for some one-on-one face time with the toilet bowl. I don't think there's anything worse than puking your guts up on Valentine's night and then having to clean it all up. And of course The Voice couldn't really take care of me because he was still hurting. But my body wasn't finished. I ended up back in there several more times throughout the night. My stomach felt like someone had gut punched me and was twisting my organs inside out ...

Was there any way to save the rest of our wanna-be-romantic weekend?

It's Love!

Wednesday, January 28th, 2009 - 6:35 PM

Night swiftly descended as I drove to work. Tonight wasn't any different than any other night. Same old routine ... or so I thought.

I pulled into the garage, breathing a sigh of relief that my parking space hadn't been invaded by my day shift counterpart. I leaped from my car, surprisingly elated to be at work early and eager to get the night over with. I hurried across the street to the building, swiped my access card and entered.

Several custodial staff members roamed around, mopping and vacuuming while I clocked in. I hurried upstairs, donned my lab coat and rushed down to the lab. After retrieving the requisitions for cytology, I set to work and called up my boyfriend, anticipation oozing from every pore.

We are currently amid a two week non-voluntary hiatus. Simply put, he’s out of town on business and is the longest duration apart from one another.

The phone rang.

He answered, "Hello?"

"Hey ..." I responded breathlessly.

"What's goin' on?"

"Not much, was thinking about you and missing you ... how was your day?"

We volleyed back and forth, detailing our occupational and academic adventures. The sounds of the couriers and drivers continuously trudging in did little to dampen my spirit and excitement over hearing his voice. Prior to calling him, I had spent a great deal of the day attempting to jailbreak my iPhone. Needless to say, I didn't have much success. I came to the realization that I was once again becoming green-eyed over his prison-broke phone. So I told him I had a confession.

"What's wrong? Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Well, it's nothin' serious baby. I was just admitting I had another green-eyed moment. And I know you'll roll your eyes but you know I'm working on that!"

"Mmmm-hmmm," he droned playfully.

I confessed my thoughts and waited for his reaction.

He chuckled and began to say something just as the phone disconnected.

I immediately placed my work to the side, picked up my phone and dialed him back. The ringer buzzed a few times in my ear and then I heard him pick up.

"What happened?" he inquired.

"No idea ... damn AT&T!" I huffed angrily as I continued combing through the lab requisitions.

"So did you hear the last thing I said?"

"No"

He hesitated. "Oh, oh ... good then!"

"Um, what'd you say? I won't get upset, just talk to me," I assured him, secretly fearing he was upset about my uncontrollable envious personality.

"Well, I started laughing and said 'that's why I love you', even when you're green-eyed!"

He paused.

“Wow, I can’t believe I just said that ... I haven’t said that to anyone in a long, long time baby ... since I was in college. I just can’t believe I said that!”

My heart fluttered a few times, not quite sure I was hearing him correctly.

“I didn’t want to say that over the phone, I’d rather say it in person but I guess you can’t control when it happens,” he continued chuckling out of nervousness.

“I really love you baby boy!”

Dead And Gone

To The Voice:

Oooooooh
I've been travelin' on this road to long
Just trying to find my way back home
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone

I turn my head to the east
I don’t see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west
Still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north
Swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me is dead and gone
But that new me will be all right ...

(Excerpt from Dead And Gone - T.I. feat. Justin Timberlake)

Long Distance

“There's only so many songs that I can sing to pass the time
And I'm running out of things to do to get you off my mind”

(Long Distance - Brandy: Human)

I'm going through withdrawal.

You see, The Voice travels a lot for business and is scheduled to be away for nearly the entire month of February. While I'm going to visit him at least once, I'm still not 100% on board with this. I know I'm being selfish when I say this but I didn't sign up for a long distance relationship.

Travel is a major factor in any relationship. It's inevitable. For example, my aunt is away from her family a lot due to the nature of her consulting work and I see it with a lot of other couples. Nevertheless, it doesn't make it any easier.

Furthermore, I really freaked out after hearing about the plane crash (January 15th) in New York City. I'm extremely relieved to hear that no one was killed but I did find it exceedingly unnerving when I discovered that it was the same carrier (U.S. Airways) that my boyfriend utilizes.

The Voice and I don't spend much time together. We typically meet up on weekends as he is traveling and/or working Monday through Friday and I'm swamped with school and work likewise. Currently, I'm finding the separation difficult because I have a lot of free time on my hands. I believe that once school begins, I’ll be extremely preoccupied and dwelling less frequently on the situation.

I know that he reads my blog and many of you are going to tell me to grow up and deal with it, but I titled the blog “Beautifully Human” and I admit to my flaws and shortcomings. On that note, I’m going to share that I’m angry with his job, angry with him, angry at myself, angry at the city he’s in, angry at the world – ah hell, I’m just angry! I know that I should be grateful and focus on the positive memories and aspects of our relationship. However, I simply can’t flip a switch and shut off my emotions.

Externally, I remain serene and stoic. I attended a luncheon for Martin Luther King this past Saturday and went to the casino (Foxwoods) with The Divo yet betrayed no trace of emotion. Internally, I’m missing him and deeply upset because he should be by my side. And because I am human, I’m also feeling a bit spiteful. I want to pout sometimes, throw a fit, maybe give him an attitude the likes of which the world has never seen. Nevertheless, I check myself. I’m too mature to go that route ... (continued below video)



Brandy - Long Distance (New) [HQ]
Uploaded by wonderful-life1989


So this week and in subsequent weeks, I’m going to focus on practicing. I’m going to clean up my bedroom. I’m going to catch up on some projects. I’m going back to the gym. I’m going to shop for clothes. I’m going to catch up on all my television shows on DVR. I’m going to plan out my summer internship.

I’m going to find any and everything I need to do because if I sit and concentrate on the separation it’s going to eat me alive. Depression will devour my heart. Anger will consume my mind. I’m going to pray to God to grant me serenity and sanity. Because if I don’t find something to occupy my thoughts, I’m going to throw away the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

I desired a relationship for so long, and now I’ve got one. It’s not the most ideal relationship but show me one that is! I stated a few posts ago that I was going to work hard cementing this. Nevertheless, emotions simply don’t lie.

I need a little help here:

What ideas can you suggest to help keep my mind off this?
And how do you cope with being away from your significant other for long periods of time?

New Year: New Me, New You (Part 2)

“I'm in love.”

Regis: “Final answer?”

Me: “Yep, final answer!”

It's been nearly five months since I met The Voice and it's been one crazy ride after another. What started as a chance meeting at a rambunctious party last year has turned into something much more. We have bared our naked souls to one another and even after we’ve locked horns, we simply can't release one another.

In the song True from Brandy, she claims, "I've never been a victim of love before so I'm not sure what I should be looking for ... " She sums up this feeling precisely. I thought I was in love with previous “kats” but now I know I was blind to the truth. I was in love with the idea of being in love. But this feels different. I'm experiencing a romance with The Voice with a little something extra on the side:

A future.

The hints have been revealed by his roommates, my parents, and our friends. I've repeatedly heard the question "So, when are you guys going to move in together?" We've spent countless hours lying in bed discussing our future children’s names, who will decorate which room of the apartment and even what next Christmas will be like. The young K.C. lived live for the moment, enjoying his time with whomever showed affection.

I attribute this evolution in attitude to maturity. Both of us are nearing the big 3-0 and most of our friends and family are settled down and starting families. I suppose age really does alter one’s life perspective. Java-Mama and The Divo recently shared their observations of significant change in my personality. They noticed that I'm exceedingly outgoing and confident. Initially, I didn't see these changes however, reflecting on these past months, they're absolutely correct. Last year, I attended social events, parties and clubs and didn’t feel a twinge of anxiety.

The Voice is empowerment.

I'm understanding his moods while he's deciphering my facial expressions. In public, we seem to communicate telepathically and instinctively pull off the "perfect couple" routine. Key gazes across a room, caressing hands, secret smiles all emerge in social settings. Additionally, his friends have entrusted me with driving their vehicles, watching their children, and throughout a medical emergency this past December, they even considered me part of the family.

Furthermore, my family has opened up a lot with The Voice. For example, he decorated our Christmas tree and this past Sunday, was ignored my Java-Mama and me during Desperate Housewives (now if that doesn't indicate you're part of the family, I don't know what does!)

Nevertheless, things aren’t always sunny in our loveworld. Since we’re quite a force together on good days, we become hurricanes during our bad days. Problems arise due to our extremely similar personalities. We’re exceedingly particular about how we want things almost to the point of perfection. And when we argue, neither of us is willing to concede.

Moreover, we’re terribly independent and headstrong. If we desire something, we work hard to achieve it and deny any and all external assistance. This becomes a substantial problem in a relationship as a relationship is dependent upon reliance and support from the significant other (Wow! That sounded like a sentence from a psychology paper!)

While we both have flaws (arrogance, stubbornness, mood swings, etc.), we’re working hard at communication and openness. We discuss nearly every aspect that permeates our relationship and rarely make decisions in our separate personal lives without at least informing the other. Neither of us has ever been involved in a solid, future-building relationship before so this is truly “the blind leading the blind.”

In 2009, I am hoping to move this relationship to a higher level. Many of the mistakes and gaffes that occurred last year will be left behind. The honeymoon phase has ended and the next chapter is beginning. Besides, there’s no doubt that he is committed to me (and vice versa) and now it’s time to make the relationship flow. This year, I want to enjoy “us” just as I did when we first met and yet work diligently to cement what we have. Who knows what this year will encompass but one thing is certain: it will truly enjoyable with The Voice by my side.

So, out with the old and in with the new!

“Baby, this first year is going to be colossal and something you’ll never forget or regret!”

The List

Silly laugh
Warm smile
Sexy scent
Beautiful mind
Bright eyes
Kindness
Supreme confidence
Overflowing swag
Extreme directness
Bountiful playfulness
Precise attention to detail
Your Voice

The way you sing
The way you speak
The way you run
The way you intently watch television
The way you shower
The way you style your hair
The way you sleep
The way you eat and drink
The way you walk
The way you dress
The way you hold me
The way you care for me

(inspired by the song "Part Of The List" by Ne-Yo: Year Of The Gentleman)

You're Hot Then You're Cold ...

I had a rollercoaster weekend, ranging from one extreme to the next, yet every rise and fall with The Voice only makes my feelings toward him that much stronger. I'd be naive to assume you can have an absolutely harmonious relationship. Life isn't a movie, a novel or a television show. Consequently, the more realistic our relationship is, the stronger we become.

Saturday: I arrived at The Voice's apartment per our usual arrangement. I was extremely tired because I had jury that afternoon (a prerequisite for all music majors in which we are obligated to play in front of several department faculty members and receive ratings for our performance) and then proceeded directly to work. We cuddled for a short while but eventually exhaustion overtook us. That morning, we headed to the barbershop and then stopped by my church so I could sit in on choir rehearsal. Several of my former choir members attended my jazz concert on Tuesday, so I wanted to thank them for their support. Furthermore, it gave me a chance to introduce The Voice to another facet of my life.

However, things didn't go smoothly. I noticed he was extraordinarily quiet most of the morning. Usually outspoken at the barbershop, he was demurred and silent. Upon our arrival at church, he was cordial but still subdued. Following rehearsal, we made a brief stop by my house to fill up my coolant tank. The Voice became animated for a short while, allowing my mom to speak with his mom via phone and even hung some candy canes on our Christmas tree.

Nevertheless, he reverted to his silent status after our departure. We patronized a restaurant in Roslindale named Delfino's which caters to a yuppie-type crowd. The cuisine is mainly Italian and the prices are fairly reasonable. However, I was unable to enjoy the meal because he was especially quiet throughout dinner.

At this point, I had just about enough!

As we departed the restaurant, I questioned him as to what was on his mind but he continued to brush me off as he previously done throughout the day. At this point, I was incredibly aggravated and cancelled our cinema plans. I decided to confront him point blank.

He remarked that he overheard my morning phone conversation in which I supposedly said,

"I'll be glad to have this break from him ..."

Now I know you guys only have my side of the story here however, I contend that was never said. Moreover, how could I say this when I used the infamous L word last week? Does that sound like a man who wants or needs time and space away from his boyfriend?

We went back and forth in the car, stressing our opinions and I continuously defended my words. Eventually the argument became pointless and futile. It was a draw. Too weary to continue, I told him to come to me with anything, anything that bothers him immediately; don't hold it in all day.

We eventually made up that night (hehe!) and watched The Family Stone on DVD (it's one of my favorite holiday movies of all time! If you haven't seen it, go rent it!)

Sunday: We lazed most of the morning in bed enjoying our own personal concert. We lay in bed, sharing the headphones and listening to songs on our MP3 players. As we each selected songs, we caressed our deep brown skin, enjoying the sensation, the lack of words between us and the beautiful music. Needless to say, we ended the concert on "The Way" by Jill Scott!

We spent the rest of the day shopping (well he did most of the shopping while I ran my mouth on the phone), a trip to Qdoba's and stopped by both J-Dub's house as well as my house. That night, The Voice got his locks twisted by his roommate (Lil' Hustla) and we all sat around watching Wanted (ugh! … see June post titled Wanted: Lazy Weekend for my opinion on that movie!).

While the weekend wasn't a total washout, we learned more about each other, our likes, dislikes, our attitudes, our limits and our expectations. This coming weekend, we are taking J-Dub's daughters to the Build-A-Bear Workshop and to see The Grinch Musical. We also have a Christmas party to attend on Sunday and I'm introducing Crazy to The Voice (that should be interesting!) There won't be much time spent together this and coming weekends as he is flying out for business just before New Years.

I hope everyone had enjoyable weekends and stayed warm, dry and got their Christmas shopping done! Only one more week! Have a great week!

Editor’s Note: This post was initially drafted two weeks ago.

Mr. Independent

I'm hoping that someone out there can help me out right quick with a situation.

Since I've been dating The Voice, my family has experienced an interesting reaction. While they have accepted him with open arms, I believe they're going through "empty nest" syndrome and I'm not sure exactly how to respond.

My mother and I are extremely close and I share a lot of information regarding my personal, academic and professional life with her. I often seek out her advice and we dialogue for hours on various topics ranging from our favorite television shows to relationship advice. However, I've been away nearly every weekend for the past three months. I usually reside at The Voice's place and while it is only one town over, I rarely come home.

When I do return home, both Java-Mama and Pops make comments such as,

"oh, it's nice to see you finally!"

or

"I think you live here but I'm not sure ..."

I neglect to respond to their commentary however, I'm finding that I'm becoming more annoyed. I enjoy my time away from home and it's allowing me an eagle-eyed perspective on my living situation. I am less constrained and more self-reliant when I'm away. I'm beginning to feel as though they want me to remain stifled and restricted.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm always free to come and go. Nevertheless, when you live at home with your parents, you're still bound to certain responsibilities. I haven't helped out as much around the house and since Rugrat began his job, he works odd hours and isn't around much either.

I'm more independent than ever since I began this crazy journey with The Voice. While I do depend on my parents for certain things, I feel a need to detach myself. When I'm leaving for a long day (back to back school and work) they act as though I'm leaving on a three week vacation. Furthermore, when I depart on a Sunday night to stay with The Voice, my mom proceeds to hug me as if she'll never see me again. I appreciate the love but I sense an impact on our relationship. I'm concerned that his uber-independent personality may lead him to attempt extrication from my family situation.

Now that I’ve explained the circumstance, I’d like to know your thoughts …

Should I leave it alone and let things run their course naturally (i.e. let my parents adapt on their own terms) or should I try to impose my order on the situation?

The L Word

"Love slipped from my lips, dripped down my chin and landed in his lap ... and us became new."

-- Jill Scott (Love Rain, Who Is Jill Scott?: Words and Sounds Vol. 1)

Weekend of Thanks

Has everyone had enough turkey yet?! I'm just about sick of it! Java-Mama carved up the remainder of the turkey and concocted soup. Nonetheless, a "rose by any other name is still a rose!" and turkey, no matter how it's prepared is still turkey!

How was your Thanksgiving? Relaxing, I hope ...

I departed work earlier on Thanksgiving Eve and went to my baby's crib. Thanksgiving morning, we proceeded to the gym and I ran about 6 miles. Afterwards, I chilled at home and managed to catch up on some personal items. Pops wasn’t feeling well so Java-Mama, Rugrat and myself finished preparing the meal. Nevertheless, we had an exceptional dinner. Later on, I dropped by J-Dub's house and hung out with The Voice and his close friends/family. We sat around laughing, joking and sipping on pumpkin martinis while watching Beauty Shop.

The Voice stayed over my house. I permitted him to sleep in my bed (I only have a twin) and I settled on an air mattress. The next morning, we made breakfast (grits, eggs, bacon, pancakes, biscuits, and toast) for my family. My man can really throw down in the kitchen and there ain’t nothing sexier than a guy who can cook!

Therewithal, we went mattress shopping (his mattress is in bad shape) and after several stops, we eventually settled on decent one for a reasonable price. Unfortunately, it will be delivered this coming weekend so we have to endure back pain for several more nights. It was truly pleasant to shop with him on such a significant purchase. Furthermore, we were in a furniture store browsing through sofas, bedroom and dining sets, discussing how our apartment would look and who would decorate which room.

I went to work Friday night but returned at 3 AM and snuggled with him until the first rays of Saturday light dawned. After a trip to the barbershop, I took him to one of my four alma maters (yeah, I’ve been to four schools - and?) We toured Nashua, New Hampshire and Daniel Webster College. I hadn't been back to my school in years and quite a few changes had taken place. Many memories flooded back and I cherished being able to share them with him.

He got one of his tattoos touched up over in Salem and then I drove like the wind to Boston to check out Eddie Griffin at the Wilbur Theater (Comedy Connection). Ole dude was CRAZY funny and we had moderately appropriate seats in the front, albeit somewhat smothering. Eddie spoke about Obama, starving kids in Africa, Richard Pryor, Bernie Mac, his family and a wide range of topics.

As we left the theater, The Voice was virtually run down by a car and I stood by, completely paralyzed. He cussed the driver out (who turned without using a signal) and when we finally reached the parking garage, I almost broke down. Essentially, I realize he means a lot to me but the possibility of death or serious injury was too great for me to bear. When we got back to the house, we lay in bed watching The Reaping until he drifted off to sleep in my arms. I came mere inches to losing my angel and I wasn't about to release him that night.

Sunday we attended a Thanksgiving buffet hosted by a motherly friend of The Voice. She absolutely adores me (as did most of her guests) and said we made a handsome couple. We brought her flowers and wine as a contribution to the meal and I had an amazing time. Afterward, we did laundry and then relaxed at my house. Java-Mama and Pops pulled out the family photo albums and took a trip down memory lane which included a picture of Baby K.C. with my a** caught in the bars of the crib!

And no! I'm not scanning it and putting it on my blog! LOL

All in all, I had a spectacular weekend. Some laughs, scares, memories and some really spectacular food! The Voice flies out of town this week and I'm focusing on my class presentation that is due Friday. Furthermore, my Jazz Concert is next Tuesday evening (12/9) and my jury is next Friday (12/12) so I've got a LOT of practicing to do this week/weekend. Seeing my baby this weekend will be a sweet reward for all this hard work!

Have a great week everyone!