Blame It On The Alcohol

I've been sober for approximately 3 months and while I can't say it's been 100% (there have been two slip-ups), I've done pretty well for myself! Why am I doing this? Am I addicted? Well, the answer is somewhat complex and not entirely straightforward ...

In order to get a sense of where I'm coming from, let me provide a little background. You see, I originate from a family of drinkers and having been exposed to alcohol since I was a smaller, brattier version of my current self, I took to it like a duck to water.

Growing up, summer barbecues always featured my dad and beer of which my brother and I sweet talked our way into multiple sips (yeah, we were extremely devious!) until Pops caught on. As pre-teens, we visited our cousins in VA and the adults began their "special time" after us kids were sent off to bed. Java-Mama and my aunt would whip up daiquiris, margaritas and crack open wine coolers faster than ex-prez Bush left D.C. in January! Furthermore, Rugrat and I would sneak downstairs to my grandparents apartment and raid their fridge and eventually discovered why the orange juice had a tangy kick to it: my grandmother was notorious for mixing vodka and OJ.

While I laugh at these childhood memories and chalk them up as harmless, I embody memories of the darker consequences and damage alcohol has done to my family and friends. Times such as my Pops' swearing escapades that resulted in him sleeping the evening away while nearly burning the house down because he left the stove on high. Times such as holding Dub-G's hair back while watching her puke her guts out and then go ride off with strangers and her mom calling me the next day frantic and upset because she never came home. Times such as my college roommates vandalizing the dorms at 4 in the morning following a night of drinking. Times such as watching my drunk neighbor beat his pregnant wife on the street late at night while his young son looked on helplessly. Times such as watching a drunk family member beat and debase my cousin and leading my mom to take us to a hotel. Times such as being in the car with BJ as he popped open can after can of beer (I asked to be dropped off at a nearby train station). Times such as seeing my church filled with grieving teens following the car crash death of Rugrat’s close friend mere days from high school graduation.

I’ve also seen what a lifetime of drinking has done to some close friends and even some family members who now suffer from a myriad of alcohol related illnesses such as liver and kidney dysfunctions. Additionally, we have some family members who completed Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Moreover, I had a grandmother I never knew who passed away from cirrhosis of the liver at a mere 40 something years young.

If all this isn't sobering, I don't know what is.

Nevertheless, I do not escape blame as I too have experienced the "dark side" of alcohol. Such as the time I cussed out my parents and late aunt. I lunged at them while Kingston held me back and tackled me to the ground. Times such as being so drunk at the club, I couldn't drive home and Ladybug had to drive my vehicle. Times such as being wasted at a high school prom after-party which the cops raided. Or the time I drove wasted and managed to slip past a police checkpoint. The time I came home with The Voice and sprained my thumb while stumbling around intoxicated merely two weeks out from my performance jury as well as my jazz concert (a devastating injury when you're a musician). And lastly, the time I attended a party and got so trashed, that I ended up sleeping over, in a pitch-black basement, with a strange man lying next to me.

Like Erykah Badu would say, "On and on..."

The point I'm driving home is that it's time for me to take a break. I advocate social drinking and hope to return to it someday but in the meantime, I need to dry out. I enjoy alcohol, however, too much of a good thing ... well, you know the rest!

There's only one problem: I'm dating a borderline alcoholic.

I love The Voice with all my heart and considering the circumstances surrounding our meeting, I'm in no position to judge nor tell him what to do. However, I'm having extreme difficulty dealing with his social pastime amongst his social circle. Nearly everyone The Voice associates with is a regular drinker. However, not EVERYONE he knows is a bonafide alcoholic however, alcohol seems to exist abundantly in his life. When I began this crusade, I truly hoped my decision would lead him away from temptation but that line of thinking was seriously flawed. I've since given that idea up and decided to focus on the benefits to my life. I am more energized, focused and extremely clear-headed. I enjoy not experiencing heavy hangovers on the weekends and I'm more alive than ever before. Nevertheless, I've served as his designated driver on numerous occasions and I'm slowly becoming tired of his persitant need to drink.

He has stated that it isn't an addiction but it seems that everytime he is with his friends or by my house, he's always imbibing. I'm not really sure how to cope with this. While I plan to return to my alcoholic ways (though not as heavily), I'm still a bit frustrated. The Voice traveled out of town twice to party with his friends and came back with behemoth hangovers. Personally, I no longer desire drinking to the point of being wasted and sometimes I simply don't get where he's coming from; I feel as though he's still living out his college days. He's no fun when he's drinking (he falls asleep leaving me bored) and I see him morphing into a younger version of individuals who've suffered the cruel effects of alcohol addiction. Overall, I'm concerned for his health and well-being. Diabetes, liver and kidney illnesses, nervous system disorders, heart problems are all issues that can arise from his drinking. I know firsthand since I've seen what this disease has done to the people I love.

The worst part? He vehemently denies that he's got a problem.

So how can I resolve my issues and feelings surrounding alcohol and still date someone who is very much under the influence?

Is this simply a disaster waiting to happen or can we truly work it out?

Give Thanks

For the past few weeks I've been moping about, always concerned with what I don't have. I scrutinize other individuals and think, "wow, they've got the best job in the world!" or "why is it taking me so long to get my degree?" I study their clothes, cars, homes, affluence, vacations and conjecture deeply what went wrong with me.

Well, the Thanksgiving spirit has descended upon me and I'm removing my green contact lenses permanently. I'm continuously moaning and groaning about how busy I am or how time consuming my education and job are. I continually grumble about the late hours I'm working and the homework. Furthermore, I've even managed to find fault with my boyfriend.

I've decided to shut that personality component down for good.

While I'm pursuing my dream, I’ve become exceedingly blinded by greed and envy and lost sight of my blessings. For the longest time, I desired a boyfriend and God sent down The Voice. He is truly "heaven sent" and is helping to improve me with each passing day.

I quit my former occupation so I could achieve this degree. Music is life, it’s my passion. It consumes my soul and embraces my imagination. I am closer to God when I play the piano. There are a billion people in the world who would give anything to be in my shoes, chasing their long-lost dreams yet I am still discontented.

Consequently, I'm revealing to the world that I am incredibly thankful for the blessings that have been bestowed upon me. I possess a loving family, a compassionate, magnificent boyfriend and a job that pays well with great benefits. I'm in school, virtually a year from graduation and retain respectable friends who unfailingly have my back. I've a car, I’m not in substantial debt, I'm healthy, I'm skilled in art and music and most of all, simply blessed. There are much worse positions that I could be in.

I will no longer be concerned with how much wealth a person boasts or what fashions or gadgets they own. I'm going to "do me" and focus on my happiness. The Voice is infatuated with a song from T.I. called "Live Your Life" and even set it as his ringtone (I'm basically ready to smash his phone!) In the opening of the song, T.I. exclaims,

"… stop being concerned about what you don't got and be thankful for the things you do got"

Furthermore, part of the chorus says, "live your life, no telling where it will take you." I'm positioned on a monumental opportunity and it's time I started "living my life like it's golden."

Ultimately, I'm doing what I want to do and there are so many exhilarating opportunities waiting for me in the future. I may not become a great performer or a powerful record exec, but at least I know I'm living passionately. Toward the end of my life I will be able to say,

"I did it my way and had so much fun along the journey!"

With Thanksgiving approaching, who or what are YOU most thankful for?

Here I Am ...

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've written on my blog!

First and foremost, my apologies to all my followers, readers and commentators. Obviously, school comes first but still, I have to say I missed you guys!

Now, it's been several weeks and a LOT, I mean GAZILLIONS of things have occurred in my life so I'm only going to touch on the most significant items such as school, work, The Voice, friends, family, and ME!

School: We finally passed the mid-term and there’s only a few more weeks to go (thank God!) The intensity in Jazz Band has increased. I've missed a few classes but I’ve managed to persevere. Our group chemistry is coalescing but we've quite a way to go before our final concert. By the way, our public concert is December 9th, at 7:30 PM on campus so just putting that out there! I'm also setting up a link to our band's blog page.

The Ear Training / Music Theory classes are becoming a bit more difficult. I mainly want to get to the next level, weed out the non-music majors and get into the serious business! BTW, I played in front of the class and everyone loved it; seemed to make a few more friends on campus and whether I like it or not, I've created a reputation.

My Haydn piece is coming along positively nicely and Professor Hand Killer has given me a new classical piece (Schubert) to work on. I'm extremely saturated with music this semester. Sometimes I think I hate music ...

Work: I finally got a job! I'm going to be working for Quest Diagnostics, Inc. and my hours will be 6 PM until 2 AM. I know, I know, I'll probably be a “dead brotha walking” by 2009 but so are the sacrifices I must make. It's a full-time position, with great benefits and the pay is MUCH better than my old job. I'm relieved to have a job now so I can return to the doctor, buy what I want and need (i.e. iPhone, clothes, laptop, etc.), and get Christmas presents for everyone! I'll let you know more after orientation next week ...

The Voice: Well, well, well ... what can I say? This man has made me the happiest I've ever been in my life. He has my highs, my lows, my ups, my downs, my heart, my soul, my mind and my ear. When he's away, his absence is nearly unbearable. My weekends have been exceedingly busy and a constant whirlwind of poetry clubs, dance clubs, meeting his friends, shopping, dining out and simply hanging out. We recently passed our two month anniversary this past Thursday and what a crazy two months it has been! I possess three teddy bears, roses (he surprised me the other day at Outback), and a ton of memories. I feel as though I’ve known him my entire life!

For his birthday weekend, I checked him into the Hilton at Logan Airport, left two roses on the bed, champagne chilling on ice, a box of honey roasted cashews (yeah, he has strange tastes) and treated him like royalty. I purchased tickets to see Roy Hargrove at Scullers Jazz Club. Overall, each weekend becomes better than the last ...

Consequently, there is so much I've omitted on account of length (I could drone on and on for pages) but trust me y'all, he's captured my heart unlike any other man! BTW, my parents and friends have approved! Furthermore, there is more I'd like to discuss about The Voice but we'll save that for another post ...

Friends: Thai Guy has been going through some difficult times so I ask you all to keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

The Divo is nearing the end of his collegiate journey and I'm soooo very proud of him!

I'm contemplating one last attempt to reach out to D.G. I really miss her friendship. I know I'm stubborn (as a mule) but I also don't want 10 years of friendship to be dismissed just because of some stupid a** s***! I'll put up a post about her and you guys let me know what I should do ... okay?

Family: My cousin, The Black Elephant, has been added to my blog so check his page out when you get a moment! Yes, he's a Republican but if you are mature enough to remain open-minded, you'll find he's quite engaging!

Pops was in the hospital a few weeks back but he’s doing much better now. He's home and driving us all up a wall.

Rugrat got a job at Home Depot so I don't see much of him these days. He and The Voice have an ongoing rivarly (harmless banter) but it's resulted in Rugrat dubbing him the Predator (so named for his dread locks similar to the beasty from the movie). I suppose this means Rugrat approves.

And last but not least ...

ME: The most important aspect of this blog (that's a fact!) I'm down to 189 pounds and The Voice has encouraged me to return to the gym.

I ordered a laptop this week. I should have it next week and maybe I'll be able to keep up with my blog while at school or during my breaks at work.

I was in a car accident on Monday (there goes my spotless driving record!) however, I'm doing okay. This foreigner (I'll be P.C.) decided to stop upon merging with traffic. I slammed on my brakes and managed to stop but the vehicle behind me rear-ended mine. When we all got out to exchange papers, the foreigner took off. One of the girls in the truck behind me managed to get his license plate number but the state trooper told us he wasn't able to get anything on this guy. Oh well, I guess I'll sit back and watch my premiums go up! Oh yeah, my baby is fine, a few scratches to the bumper but that's about it. The other SUV? Lost a headlight and the hood was all jacked up. It seems Ford Escape's plastic bumpers are tougher than they look!

I visited the Fund today with The Voice as a way to close that chapter of my life; I'm ready to move on to Quest. I'm a bit apprehensive about the new job but I'm sure I'll be all right. I'm excited about juggling a full-time job and school as well as dating (I see our bond growing more profound and solid every week). I feel more mature as the days pass but still can't shake those misgivings I've spoken about in my past postings regarding the direction of my life ...

:: sigh ::

We'll see what happens as I take it one day at a time ... have a good weekend everyone! :o)

The Cookout (Pt. 1)

Every year, my family and I host an annual cookout which has been a enormous success for the past three years. While we appreciate our guest's reception, hosting an event of this magnitude is exceedingly exhausting and financially taxing. On average, we have a guest list of about 50 to 80+ individuals which in turn requires a lot of ribs, burgers, chicken and many other side dishes. The guests range from local neighbors, to church folk, to family members to guests from as far away as Georgia, New Jersey, Florida and New York.

The initial idea for this cookout originated via Rugrat's mind. When my bro and I were younger, our family was known for our summer cookouts which attracted tons of people and the memories of those events have persisted into adulthood. However, we've created and lost friendships and circumstances have allowed for a new group of family and friends who did not experience our past cookouts. Thus, in 2005, we decided to have the biggest cookout possible.

In order to make it better than our "average" past cookouts, we added unique touches such as raffles (50/50, iPods, etc.), pools, volleyball, basketball, and balloons. We created a musical playlist which combined blues, Motown oldies, R&B and my bro's rap. Every year has been a learning experience from the guests, food, activities and music. Consequently, the memories are too numerous to mention in this post and being able to have my aunts, uncles, choir members, co-workers, neighbors, friends, cousins, great-nieces and nephews and even ex's all getting along in one yard is one hell of an amazing experience!

We've had good memories such as celebrating my parents 25th anniversary with a special cake as well as not so good memories, including me getting wasted and proceeding to cuss out my late aunt and parents while being restrained by Kingston (I apologized before she passed and since cut back on alcohol ten fold). Seeing little children run around playing while the adults just relaxed and ate grilled food lifts my spirit and has given me something to look forward to every year. And the most phenomenal part? Sitting at my table and seeing Crazy, D.G., Kingston, The Divo and BJ (one of my X-Men) actually get along!

Nevertheless, the annual cookout will occur this coming weekend (19th) and I really think someone is going to be killed before this is over! My family has a cookout account that we fund continuously throughout the year and after a January meeting, we determine if and when the cookout will transpire. Needless to say, the enthusiasm is minimal and a few curve balls have been thrown our way. Due to President Idiot's economical "slow-down", money is definitely tight. Furthermore, my dad's health isn't all that great so most of the manual labor (yard work) has been left to me and my bro.

Thankfully, we have decided that this will be the last year for a while so I think we're going to really try and enjoy this. While I won't grieve over the work that goes into this, I will miss the excitement and gathering of friends and family. So far, this year is looking promising with the weather possibly cooperating. I'm a bit disappointed that Kingston, D.G. and BJ won't be there but I'm very excited that The Divo and his boyfriend, 3 Degrees and her boyfriend, and Crazy will be attending. Overall, I'm going to endeavor to enjoy it knowing that it will be over soon but I am going to really miss our summertime tradition ...

Fireworks & Dirty Laundry Make Strange Bedfellows

Independence Day is a time for family, fun, grilled food and nostalgia all while feeling intense pride in your country. However, what Fourth of July celebration could be considered complete without fireworks? Ah, yes, the hallmark of Independence Day. The fiery reds, the cool blues, the intense yellows, the shouting, the shoving, the name calling, the golden tension. Once again, the true cornerstone of every Fourth of July.

Those of you that are of African-American descent know that there is a rule in our community regarding airing "dirty laundry" out to dry in the public breeze. For those of you that didn't know that, well, now you know. So I'm about to violate that law and tell it like it is.

I awoke looking forward to the Fourth of July with extreme anticipation and excitement as I do every year. I cracked open my Bud Light (with lime) and after a quick trip to my un-official job, I started the grill with my father and brother (aka Rugrat). As the grill heated up, so did the tension in the kitchen. I had just invited The Divo over and came downstairs to find my mother crying. I tried to find out what had happened and after prying a few words from in between the sobs, discovered my brother had "told her off." Well, I wasn't about to let that stand and summoned Rugrat inside. Big mistake.

Instantly the fireworks began. Since there's no need to get into the specifics, needless to say he was frustrated regarding his job situation and my mom had nagged him one too many times over the age old issue of money. He continued on about her failings and he actually made some valid points without actually being disrespectful. But as always, my mom is more stubborn than a mule. Way more stubborn! That's probably where I get it from.

She didn't back down and called him "ungrateful" as well as some other choice words. I sat by in my ringside seat and just watched knowing that anything I said would not help the situation. They needed to handle this without me. Eventually it came to the phrase of "if you don't like it get the f--- outta here!" and of course Rugrat did just that. He stormed upstairs after a quick blow to the dog and packed his bag and stormed out of the house.

I eventually confronted my mom and after a little bit of pleading, identified the source of many of her problems. Her best friend (my aunt) had passed away back in December rather suddenly after a long illness. My mom does not have many female friends that she trusts and a lot of her frustration does not have a release valve. Hence the buildup of tension and stress. She also stated how much she appreciated my brother and I for dealing with her. So with that end somewhat patched, I called Rugrat.

He isn't as easy to calm down once he's pissed. He's a "react first, reflect later" type of guy. And since he's a big guy, it's not a good idea to get him pissed. However, we have a tight brotherly relationship so I prayed that I'd be able to coax him back to the house. He refused, saying he was staying at a friends house for a few days and I told him I was here for him. "If you need a ride back or want to talk, just give me a call."

A few hours passed and I took out my frustration on the lawn (really BAD mowing job!) and then finished grilling with my dad (who had stayed out of it). Eventually The Divo arrived and he was an angel in disguise. By having him there, it eased the tension and my mom calmed down and laughed and sort of forgot her problems. Soon, my brother walked back in the yard, much calmer and everything proceeded as though nothing had happened. By the time the sun went down, my brother, his girlfriend, The Divo, my mom and I were all sitting on the back deck laughing about ghetto baby names and talking about the (real) fireworks. Furthermore, my brother and mother talked later that night after I went to bed and I guess they straightened everything out.

In the end, I was very thankful that the The Divo showed up and salvaged what was left of my holiday. I browsed through his photo album which included pictures from his trips to D.C. and China as well as a cruise to the Bahamas with his boyfriend. He also brought me two gifts: a miniature replica of a terracotta warrior and Nini, one of the good luck dolls and mascots for the 2008 Summer Olympics.

Overall, I had a good holiday but I kind of knew that this was going to happen. My family and I have an annual cookout that we host every year and the date is drawing nearer (July 19th). There is a lot of yard work and housework to be done and my father isn't well. Money is tight and I haven't had an opportunity to contribute to the workload because of school and work. It was disappointing that the tension climaxed on that day but in a way, I'm thankful it did. Maybe now with all that off the family's chest, we can move forward and make the 4th Annual "C's & J's" Cookout an event like no other ...

The Glass Is Half Empty

I thought my first post would be more positive but I'm finding it hard these days to think positive. I have always felt that anytime my life is going good, "things fall apart" (Chinua Achebe). I got the news the other day that my grades for the spring semester were all A's and of course that only brought my GPA up even more! Believe me, after years of C's and D's at my other colleges, it feels nice to do well.

But of course I seem to be focusing on the negative things lately. About a month ago, I got an e-mail from a former best friend (D.G.) and subsequently, we're no longer friends. I've also been feeling abandoned and betrayed by most of the people I considered friends (I don't like to use that word loosely) and honestly it's hurting more than I anticipated. I am a loner most of the time. I'm very quiet at work and in school, and prefer hanging out at home instead of being around crowds. That's not to say I don't enjoy company and friendship but I prefer my own thoughts sometimes to other people. For the past year or two, I've really come a long way and actually started branching out and socializing more but now I fear that these latest happenings will leave me distrustful. I really value the friendships I make with people and especially with the only two best friends (D.G. & Crazy) whom I considered family. It does hurt, not being able to understand what went wrong and not being able to talk to her anymore. We probably outgrew each other but that doesn't make this "grieving" process any easier. I wish I had a switch to shut off my emotions but I need to endure these feelings so that I can become a better person. As my good friend The Divo* would say, "this too shall pass."

*On a side note: The Divo is headed to China for a few weeks and while I'm insanely envious, I wish him the best and hope he has a safe and fun trip!