"To Thine Own Self Be True"

This be the realest thing I ever wrote for sure
After this a lot of folks wont like me no mo’
But after this I gotta go answer to you Lord
So I’ve made up my mind

I’m a go to church on Sunday
And sing a song that may hurt somebody’s feelings so that maybe
Thy will, will be done on earth as it is in heaven
And hopefully they will see how much they really be discouraging a little old sinner like me

- Lyfe Jennings (Made Up My Mind: Lyfe 268-192)

So can you help me right quick with a situation?

You see, I’m a music major (yeah, I know, heard it all before) and I’m pretty close to graduating (see my fantastic counter above). I’m hustling and grinding like never before, taking an overload (7 courses and an independent study) just so that I can graduate by June 4th and not have to return for any additional semesters.

The problem or situation I’m foreshadowing is a clash between my career and my sexuality. It’s no secret that I am SGL (gay, queer, whatever) and I’ve reached the point in my life where I am extremely comfortable with telling anyone who asks. I’ve been out for about 11 years now and while I don’t see my orientation as a huge deal, someone else may. Not that it defines me. I want those who enter into my life to see me for me and not some label. I want to be judged by the content of my personality and character, not my skin color and certainly not by who I sleep with.

Okay, enough idealism. Welcome back to the real world!

This past summer, I befriended an up-and-coming gospel musician who has released two albums and this connection was exceptionally beneficial in getting me to think about the direction of my own music career. Fortunately, everyone I’ve come out to has reacted positively. If anyone was upset or offended, I have yet to receive notice. Needless to say, I decided to come out to this young man as the topic of conversation had shifted to relationships and I was incredibly proud of The Voice at the time. This young musician reacted somewhat cool about it but gradually our friendship diminished upon his return to his home state. Subsequently, this has left me wondering if one’s sexuality and music career can go hand in hand.

Obviously, it’s not impossible to combine them, especially when one looks at artists such as Elton John, Meshell Ndegeocello, Boy George, Adam Lambert, and Tracy Chapman. However, not really knowing what path my life will take and not having many African-American SGL role models, I’m left wondering if I’ll have to be a pioneer or step back in the closet. Rumors have abounded about many black singers and artists throughout the years and subsequently, they remained trapped in the closet, even though certain signs existed.

Moreover, I’m considering a position at my church in the music ministry. Many congregants have watched me grow up there and while I have my issues, it’s the only spiritual home I’ve known. And despite it’s “dysfunctionality” at times, I continue to see the potential. However, I’ve never really had to face any opposition regarding my sexuality because I’ve never made it a significant issue. I’ve brought several of the X-Men to church (Kingston, Heart2Soul, The Voice) and even let BJ help direct my choir in the early years. I’m sure there was speculation but I’ve never been approached.

Taking this position would be a golden opportunity for my career and on a personal level, I’ve always enjoyed playing gospel and really want to see our music ministry grow. However, I cannot remain untrue to myself and live my life back in the closet. Sadly, this situation isn’t just confined to the church and will pop up time and time again as I move throughout my career.

Furthermore, I’ve composed and arranged several songs for my choir yet I have non-religious material that speaks about the trials and tribulations in my personal life. Is it hypocritical to be a secular artist as well as remain active in gospel?

So many questions running through my mind and I’m just not sure where to begin. I’ve delayed talking to my minister about the church position because of all these thoughts …

… what do you all think?

1. Take the position and play straight?
2. Become a trailblazer and be out?
3. Or just find my own path away from the church?

Reading Corner: Mama Dearest

I bought it, placed it on the shelf and looked at it.

I packed it in my suitcase and dragged it with me from St. Thomas to Barbados intending to spend time with it out on the lido deck. I re-packed it in my suitcase and brought it home. Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went and still I couldn’t bring myself to take the final step.

Yet finally, nearly a year after the death of E. Lynn Harris and several months since the release of his final novel, “Mama Dearest”, I took the plunge and decided to read it.

For those that are new to my blog, I have posted several book reviews on novels (click here for all posts on books) but none were as hard-hitting as those by E. Lynn. His series figures prominently into my life as a SGL man because he was the first black SGL author I had been introduced to. The Divo had given me a copy of “Invisible Life” for my birthday about a year after we met and from then on, I was hooked!

Fast forward several years and I have read his entire collection, including his memoir, “What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted.” And I’ve been taken on an emotional rollercoaster every time. From the first scene involving Raymond Tyler in his college dorm room to the epilogue in his final novel involving Yancey H. Braxton, I have been on a poignant journey, defining my life and learning what it truly meant to be a SGL man in a world I was only beginning to (and still struggling to) understand. Simply put, no SGL man can say they have truly “come out” unless they have read the master of African-American SGL literature.

While only a select few authors have since captured my mind and heart, E. Lynn always kept me hooked and interested. I couldn’t bring myself to blog about his death last year and in many ways, I’m still in shock at his passing. It feels like a bizarre dream. While Harris claimed to be just an average guy simply following his dreams and passion, he touched thousands of lives along the way both directly and indirectly and I can say that I was one of those fortunate few.

Now I don’t like to give endings away (although it’s been several months since the release) as I’m sure that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW has NOT read this book. That said, I’ll rate it with 4 stars out of 5. I know that seems heartless and possibly disrespectful but I’m not going to be soft – and I don’t think E. Lynn would want any critics out there to go easy. Authors crave feedback and E. Lynn Harris was a true author to the very end. So …

I was extremely happy to see the return of Yancey but secretly yearned for more Basil or Raymond. A note to fans seeking our two favorite SGL hotties: they do make extensive cameos, but the story remains firmly centered on the true divas. The plot revolves around Yancey Braxton, last seen sabotaging Nicole Springer’s career, trashing John Basil Henderson at the altar and dealing with her very crazy and delusional “mother” Ava Middlebrooks who has finally been released from prison. Of course, no Harris book is complete without revenge, drama, schemes, plots and good old backstabbing and he definitely returned to what he knew best.

Unfortunately, it’s a song and dance all too familiar to his readers, especially throughout his past several novels (Basketball Jones, Too Good To Be True, I Say A Little Prayer) and I could already spot the snakes in the grass from the first few chapters. Additionally, I was not crazy about the lengthy sex scene between Yancey and her newest suitor, S. Marcus which has left me wondering why Harris chose the straight path (writing from a woman’s perspective) in “Too Good To Be True” and “Mama Dearest.”

Harris also reintroduced several characters, one of which is Madison B., Yancey’s daughter she gave up for adoption to pursue her own dreams of stardom. I wasn’t too pleased with her portrayal which was defined by a struggling combination of Nicole, Yancey and Ava’s personalities. For a teenage celebrity, she wasn’t youthful-acting enough for me and appeared as an old soul trapped in a young body.

The buildup towards the climax was executed perfectly however, as a reader I was left with many questions and felt some of the characters were out of character. While Ava returned to her conniving ways, characters such as Lyrical and Dalton seemed placed to serve as a moral foundation for the novel; I understood their purpose but felt it would have been a better read without them. Nevertheless, Harris’ attempt to melt the heart of Yancey succeeded and I must commend him on a job well done.

Still, that last star must be withheld due to a rushed ending and many unanswered questions. Overall, it was great to see closure for many of his beloved characters (Raymond, Basil, Nicole, Yancey, Ava) and while it has been a lengthy and complicated adventure from the first page of “Invisible Life”, it has never been dull. I know I’ve listed most of my criticisms in this post but I believe his best novels were behind him (“Invisible Life”, “Just As I Am”, “And This Too Shall Pass”) and most of his final novels were rushed and reflected more of an experimental phase in his writing.

Personally, I would have preferred at least one more novel to complete the series featuring Raymond and/or Basil (the primary characters from the start) and a positive depiction of a middle-class black SGL couple.

But one can still dream, right?

We will miss you dearly Mr. E. Lynn Harris and thank you for all the joy, laughter, tears and thrills you have brought into our lives. May you rest in peace.

E. Lynn Harris (1954-2009)

Invisible Life

Just As I Am

And This Too Shall Pass

If This World Were Mine

Abide With Me

Any Way The Wind Blows

Not A Day Goes By

A Love Of My Own

I Say A Little Prayer

Just Too Good To Be True

Basketball Jones

Mama Dearest

What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted (memoir)

Bad Romance

Okay, so I suppose the first thing to clear up now that I’m back is to explain a little about what happened between me and The Voice.

Truthfully, I don’t think I want to get into all the gory details about who, what, when and why’d y’all break up. Nevertheless, I did say I needed to get some of this off my chest so I suppose I have to open up a little.

It’s a bit odd to be typing this especially since this time last year I was excited about having my first Valentine’s Day with my very first solid romance. And yet, who would’ve known a year later, I’m not just singing Bad Romance from Lady Gaga but living it.

A few posts back, I explained how The Voice asked for space (right around our one year anniversary no less) and while I was reluctant at first, I did as he requested. Unfortunately, my bad side came back out to play and I happened to traipse into someone else’s sandbox. Unfortunately, the sand isn’t any whiter on the other side of the fence. Right as we were about to reconcile, the truth came out and I’ve endured the consequences ever since.

So now to fill in the gaps: a week before our departure on our cruise, we got into a nasty argument. All kinds of things came out and sad to say, The Voice is the kind of guy that hangs on to a lot of things. But I’m not going to point blame because I narrow mindedly went on the cruise thinking that we would get back together and all would be forgiven.

DEAD WRONG!

The night after his birthday, we got into another argument on the ship and that left the entire trip extremely tense. I spent many nights down in the bars and clubs, drinking myself silly and this only led to continued difficulties on the cruise. I’ll have a post up about the cruise so I won’t get too detailed about that.

We returned from the cruise and most of November and December was chilly as The Voice was still upset with the cruise and how things turned out. It got so bad that he didn’t even attend any of my “end of semester” concerts and we talked even less. We tested the highway of friendship out but it was a bit slippery as many of the signs on the side of the road were misinterpreted. There were times when I assumed he wanted me back but when approached he stated he was only interested in friendship because of how badly I hurt him. But remember that neither party walks away uninjured: I was hurting badly too.

The days passed, the holidays came and went and we were cordial and cool with each other but I secretly suffered wishing I had him back and hadn’t messed up so bad. You see, when my past relationships ended, it was easy to become friends after awhile because I blamed them for the breakups and I learned to hate them, personify them as the villain. Sadly, I couldn’t hate The Voice and he’s said the same about me, despite all the arguments and problems we endured the last few months. Additionally, I understood that this was unlike any breakup I endured because he was not an online trick or casual encounter and it was also the longest and most involved relationship to date.

Most importantly, I also recognized that I wasn’t to blame for everything that went wrong (despite his desire to make me believe otherwise) and grew stronger.

Well, it’s January and the beginning of a new year. A friend of mine helped me comprehend that I will be just fine by myself. It’s okay to be single again and I’m starting to emerge from my “mourning” period. I miss him terribly and I’m sure he misses me but in some ways this might be the best thing for us. I can focus on my studies, graduation and career while he can concentrate on getting a job (a huge source of contention between us throughout the past year) and returning to graduate school. Besides, even our horoscopes warned against the coupling of a Libra and Virgo but we thought we could defy even the stars!

Yeah, how naïve …

Nevertheless, It hasn’t been easy. Consequently our convos are incredibly strained and barely a text or phone call is traded between us. And what diminutive friendship existed is breaking apart. There’s a small glimmer of hope (my Mariah Carey gene) that we could give it a “second time around” but then reality sets in harder than Whitney a crack addict going through withdrawal and I know the past can’t be erased. What’s been said and done is just that: done.

Still, I have to end on this very important note. I do NOT (let me repeat NOT) regret going through this relationship. You see, prior to meeting The Voice, I was getting my life together. I had gotten off my butt and returned to school, and even left my cushy job to pursue my degree! Then he entered my life. He pulled me out of my quiet, introverted world and showed me that it was okay to open my heart again. We attended social events, traveled together and I gained confidence. So many great memories subsist in my mind and it’s a year of my life I’ll never, ever forget.

I was cynical and cold towards the idea of love (you can view the thawing process in all my previous posts on The Voice) and finally, I tore the wall down. As did he. We both fell hard and fast and I felt with him something I hadn’t felt before: a future. But sadly, love is a gamble, a risk and though it’s a beautiful rose, it does have thorns and hurts like a mofo …

But I’ll never be sorry that I felt like that, held him like that, opened up like that, loved like that. I proved that I could love again and while it didn’t work out, I’m not ready to quit on love. I’m stronger, wiser and more mature.

And most importantly, I’m ready for the next time.

To Blessed To Be Stressed ...

Happy New Year and what a time it is to refresh – new page – I know I’ve been gone a long while and I’ll probably need to work hard to gain back readers and followers but I needed the break and now I’m ready to get back into therapy. Yeah, I think blogging is a sort of therapy that’s helped make me into a better person. I started this blog a few months prior to meeting The Voice and I spoke about so many issues (i.e. local politics, family, friends, personal dilemmas, social observations, etc.) and it really assisted in clarifying the turmoil and chaos in my life as I traversed from one episode into the next.

I’m fast approaching another “intersection of life” (graduation from college in June) and dealing with a recent breakup and I need to talk all this out. So I hope you guys don’t mind being my therapists for a few months …

Since it’s a new year, I created a new blog that I’m hoping to really get off the ground after graduation (it’s going to focus on my attempt at a music career). I set it up but haven’t really the time to juggle two blogs but it’ll be up and running soon!

A quick note: I’m returning to school next week in my hopefully last semester at UMB and unfortunately I’ll be managing an extremely packed schedule (SEVEN courses) so I’m going to try to make time and not let this blog slip like I did the last time. So have mercy on a brotha if you see typos and extremely messed up grammar!

In the coming weeks, I’ll be posting on my break up and unresolved feelings towards The Voice, post some photos and/or vids from my cruise back in October, vids from my jazz band concert last semester, discussing my thoughts about current events (Haiti, special Mass senatorial election result), update my workout regiments, book readings, posing a questions regarding sexuality, mental illness and the music industry as well as posting on developments at home! And of course, I’ll be trying to catch up on some of my favorite bloggers and see what you all have been up to!

So let’s get this thing started!

... What You Got Till It's Gone

I f***ed up really, really, really, really bad tonight.

I'm typing this entry mere hours after admitting to The Voice that I ended up kicking it with one of the X-Men during our separation. And right now, I'm feeling lower than low ...

Before I go any further, I had an entry ready to be published Monday morning but decided to hold off since circumstances changed. The Voice and I have been going through a "separation" for the past few weeks (beginning of August) and in a nutshell, I've been pleading and pleading for us to get back together.

He disagrees. He had some serious personal issues to work out. I believe that you need to work together in a relationship regardless of the crazy s*** that comes your way. But he wanted to go it alone so I've relented after a few weeks and now that I'm in school again, my mind isn't dwelling on it as much.

Flashback: two weeks after he asked for the separation, I invited an X-Men over. I needed somebody, I needed to feel something, I needed love. Well, two out of three is what I got. There was no love. He didn't hold me like The Voice. He didn't smell like him, he didn't kiss like him, there was no connection between us. So was it guilt that made me realize I want him back or just an epiphany?

Flashforward: I don't know, and I don't care. Right now, as of this minute (12:34 AM), all I know is that I found the man who holds my heart. The truth is (read this slowly and carefully) that I've never, ever loved anyone more than I love The Voice. As we lay tonight holding each other, he admitted how much he misses me (albeit before my ill-timed confession) and I found myself absentmindedly scratching his back, something I know he likes. Who else knows what he likes when go out to eat? Who else knows about his strange little OCD obsession when we leave his apartment? Who else will put together his furniture or anything else he's not handy with? Who else can hold him the way I do? Who else knows his moods as if they were my own?

He is my love, my soul, my everything.

I will do anything to gain his trust back, if it's even possible. And if it is possible, I'll love him stronger than ever.

Trust and believe that.

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”

So I’ve returned to campus as quite the mini-celeb and I love it! When I started at UMB a few years back, I was doing night classes off campus so I didn’t take the time to make friends. Now, I can hardly walk around campus without running into a professor or fellow student I know.

I like that feeling.

I have many of the same professors (X, Hand Killer, etc.) however, a few new ones have dared to cross my path (I’ll come up with alias after a few more sessions). The hardest course? That would be Music History class, a 300 level course, which features a VERY strict professor. The easiest (of course I may regret saying that) seems to be Chorus which has nearly 100 students enrolled and is filled with creepy, crawly (ugh!) … freshmen.

Professor Hand Killer is back to her usually tricks and we’ve decided to resurrect this piece from Chopin to prepare as backup for jury in case the nine page Beethoven sonata isn’t ready. Did I mention that it’s nine pages?

Jazz Band is a blast since Professor X and my former band mates have inside jokes that the new folks just don’t get so it’s nice to have an in. Plus, it never hurts to have a professor or two on my side as reference material for grad school or job interviews down the line. I believe I’m in the band (even though I didn’t audition) and I’m going to push for us to do a favorite of mine, “Moondance” by Van Morrison.

We’ll see if I get my way...

My Theory and Ear Training course populations have diminished greatly since last semester. While most of the rowdy crowd (the kind that always have to throw in a smart comment or two in class) has mysteriously vanished, some of the familiar faces that I liked are gone as well. Not that I was getting attached by any means!

So my goals this semester are to arrive on time (ha!), do my homework over the weekends (double ha!) and get more practice time in (triple ha!) – that’ll be the day when a black man becomes president – oh wait …

Seriously though, I only have two semesters left roughly (I say roughly because it’s not guaranteed until I get the okay in February) until I obtain my full 120 credits. It’s so exciting being a senior yet extremely frightening because once my academic career ends (you’d call it that too after four schools and eleven years in college), I’m really on my own. And I’m still not 100% sure what I want to do. I’m leaning towards teaching but most of my profs recommend getting performance experience first.

In the meantime, this will prove to be by far one of the most interesting semesters ever...

Oh ... this is just my favorite back-to-school commercial ever so I just thought I'd toss it in the mix!

Song For My Father

So I’ve decided to return to the world.

But I’ve returned a changed man. I’m no longer the person I was just a few months ago. A lot has occurred that has me thinking about some things in life. I needed that short break and now I’m at a point in my life where I’m ready to open up again.

The first big change has to do with my father. Pops is back home and doing well but he’s also a changed man (maybe it’s something in the air). Dirty laundry is usually never aired but after all he’s been through, what I share is out of love. Pops was a pretty heavy drinker prior to his hospitalization. My mom found him unconscious back in May and he was rushed to Massachusetts General Hospital and was laid up in the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit on life support for a few weeks.

A ventilator inflated his lungs, wires and tubes swirled everywhere around his body. He was bloated, unresponsive – a temporary pacemaker the only thing keeping him from crossing over. Doctors poured over his case, trying to figure out what had happened. No one knew. “Was it a stroke?” “A heart attack?” “His kidneys aren’t functioning properly …” So much was thrown at us. And if all that wasn’t so bad, we were told he coded out in the ambulance.

I almost lost my father. I would’ve been next to step up and be the man of the house … as much as my Pops and I don’t see eye to eye on many things, I love him so much and never want to go through such a frightening ride again.

After a few months in rehab, he returned home. He sits around very somberly; he doesn’t smile much, and seems genuinely different. It could be the little pacemaker in his chest that keeps him alive. Maybe it’s the changes we made in the house (we moved my parents bedroom downstairs).

But I think he’s reflecting on how close to the end he came. We cleaned out all the alcohol in the house and he claims he doesn’t want any. Still, I know it can’t be easy to get past an addiction that strong. We’re going to be there for him and try to help him through this but he’s got to want life more than anything. He’s already taken that first step and come back to life …

… now he just has to live it.