Song For My Father

So I’ve decided to return to the world.

But I’ve returned a changed man. I’m no longer the person I was just a few months ago. A lot has occurred that has me thinking about some things in life. I needed that short break and now I’m at a point in my life where I’m ready to open up again.

The first big change has to do with my father. Pops is back home and doing well but he’s also a changed man (maybe it’s something in the air). Dirty laundry is usually never aired but after all he’s been through, what I share is out of love. Pops was a pretty heavy drinker prior to his hospitalization. My mom found him unconscious back in May and he was rushed to Massachusetts General Hospital and was laid up in the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit on life support for a few weeks.

A ventilator inflated his lungs, wires and tubes swirled everywhere around his body. He was bloated, unresponsive – a temporary pacemaker the only thing keeping him from crossing over. Doctors poured over his case, trying to figure out what had happened. No one knew. “Was it a stroke?” “A heart attack?” “His kidneys aren’t functioning properly …” So much was thrown at us. And if all that wasn’t so bad, we were told he coded out in the ambulance.

I almost lost my father. I would’ve been next to step up and be the man of the house … as much as my Pops and I don’t see eye to eye on many things, I love him so much and never want to go through such a frightening ride again.

After a few months in rehab, he returned home. He sits around very somberly; he doesn’t smile much, and seems genuinely different. It could be the little pacemaker in his chest that keeps him alive. Maybe it’s the changes we made in the house (we moved my parents bedroom downstairs).

But I think he’s reflecting on how close to the end he came. We cleaned out all the alcohol in the house and he claims he doesn’t want any. Still, I know it can’t be easy to get past an addiction that strong. We’re going to be there for him and try to help him through this but he’s got to want life more than anything. He’s already taken that first step and come back to life …

… now he just has to live it.

Pops (Update 2)

Hey everyone ...

I just want to let you know that Pops is doing a whole lot better. He's been transferred to a rehabilitation hospital and he's extremely cranky and wants to come home. He'll be getting PT to help get him walking again and he should be home by the end of the month or early August.

We're currently converting the house from a single family to a two-family so that my parents will be living on the first floor (to keep him from climbing the stairs) so I haven't been able to keep up with my blog as I'd like. I'm on vacation from work next week so I'll probably spend most of my time doing stuff around the house but I'll try to squeeze in a post or two because there are many positive changes occuring in my life that I would love to share and get feedback on!

So until next week ...

Pops (Update 1)

Hey everyone ...

A real short update to let you know that my father is doing a little better. He is still in the hospital (ICU) and will be there for quite some time. He will have surgery for his heart in the coming week and he's battling pneumonia. While he's no longer sedated and off the respirator, he is a bit loopy, cantankorous and sleepy from all the meds and his general dislike of hospitals.

Java-Mama has has been to see him everyday and Rugrat, The Voice, Tweet and myself are all coming together to help out.

Thank you for all your continued support and prayers! He's not out of the woods yet but hopefully after the surgery and rehabilitation, he'll be home sometime in July. I'll keep you apprised of the situation.

If you want to leave any well-wishes, please feel free to post below and I'll show him when I visit!

Pops

There is so much I've wanted to blog about over the past few weeks ...

... my new hair style ...
... The Divo graduating college ...
... J-Dub's Memorial Day cookout ...
... my grades and my new online course ...
... my long-lost friendship with Dub G ...
... my one year blog anniversary ...

... but all this is unimportant since Pops was rushed to the hospital last night. They're not sure what's exactly wrong but he's in intensive care and sedated after emergency surgery on his heart. Right now it's a waiting game and we're a mess. Rugrat and I have taken the past two nights off from work and The Voice stayed with us all night until the immeadiate threat passed and came back tonight.

I'm so mentally and physically drained and knowing Pops faces a long road of recovery (if they can get him stabilized) has left me dazed and in a fog. Hopefully once I've had a full night's rest, I'll be able to think a bit more rationally ...

The Doctor Is In!

Hey everyone! We welcomed a new member to the family this past weekend! A small black kitten with grayish eyes who has absolutely stolen my heart! I've decided to nickname him The Doctor and he's exceedingly energetic, exploring the house, getting himself in small corners and slowly getting acclimated to The General (who is deathly afraid of him because he’s already been clawed at once or twice!)

No one in my immediate family has owned cats but we know of plenty of people who do (The Divo, Dub-G). So we are going to take this one day at a time. It's a real learning experience for us but I have a feeling we're going to be pretty good at it!

I'm extremely allergic to these four-legged “furballs” so I guess this means I'll be on Claritin for a long time …

Bummer.

Can anyone recommend anything stronger for pet allergies?

Blame It On The Alcohol

I've been sober for approximately 3 months and while I can't say it's been 100% (there have been two slip-ups), I've done pretty well for myself! Why am I doing this? Am I addicted? Well, the answer is somewhat complex and not entirely straightforward ...

In order to get a sense of where I'm coming from, let me provide a little background. You see, I originate from a family of drinkers and having been exposed to alcohol since I was a smaller, brattier version of my current self, I took to it like a duck to water.

Growing up, summer barbecues always featured my dad and beer of which my brother and I sweet talked our way into multiple sips (yeah, we were extremely devious!) until Pops caught on. As pre-teens, we visited our cousins in VA and the adults began their "special time" after us kids were sent off to bed. Java-Mama and my aunt would whip up daiquiris, margaritas and crack open wine coolers faster than ex-prez Bush left D.C. in January! Furthermore, Rugrat and I would sneak downstairs to my grandparents apartment and raid their fridge and eventually discovered why the orange juice had a tangy kick to it: my grandmother was notorious for mixing vodka and OJ.

While I laugh at these childhood memories and chalk them up as harmless, I embody memories of the darker consequences and damage alcohol has done to my family and friends. Times such as my Pops' swearing escapades that resulted in him sleeping the evening away while nearly burning the house down because he left the stove on high. Times such as holding Dub-G's hair back while watching her puke her guts out and then go ride off with strangers and her mom calling me the next day frantic and upset because she never came home. Times such as my college roommates vandalizing the dorms at 4 in the morning following a night of drinking. Times such as watching my drunk neighbor beat his pregnant wife on the street late at night while his young son looked on helplessly. Times such as watching a drunk family member beat and debase my cousin and leading my mom to take us to a hotel. Times such as being in the car with BJ as he popped open can after can of beer (I asked to be dropped off at a nearby train station). Times such as seeing my church filled with grieving teens following the car crash death of Rugrat’s close friend mere days from high school graduation.

I’ve also seen what a lifetime of drinking has done to some close friends and even some family members who now suffer from a myriad of alcohol related illnesses such as liver and kidney dysfunctions. Additionally, we have some family members who completed Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Moreover, I had a grandmother I never knew who passed away from cirrhosis of the liver at a mere 40 something years young.

If all this isn't sobering, I don't know what is.

Nevertheless, I do not escape blame as I too have experienced the "dark side" of alcohol. Such as the time I cussed out my parents and late aunt. I lunged at them while Kingston held me back and tackled me to the ground. Times such as being so drunk at the club, I couldn't drive home and Ladybug had to drive my vehicle. Times such as being wasted at a high school prom after-party which the cops raided. Or the time I drove wasted and managed to slip past a police checkpoint. The time I came home with The Voice and sprained my thumb while stumbling around intoxicated merely two weeks out from my performance jury as well as my jazz concert (a devastating injury when you're a musician). And lastly, the time I attended a party and got so trashed, that I ended up sleeping over, in a pitch-black basement, with a strange man lying next to me.

Like Erykah Badu would say, "On and on..."

The point I'm driving home is that it's time for me to take a break. I advocate social drinking and hope to return to it someday but in the meantime, I need to dry out. I enjoy alcohol, however, too much of a good thing ... well, you know the rest!

There's only one problem: I'm dating a borderline alcoholic.

I love The Voice with all my heart and considering the circumstances surrounding our meeting, I'm in no position to judge nor tell him what to do. However, I'm having extreme difficulty dealing with his social pastime amongst his social circle. Nearly everyone The Voice associates with is a regular drinker. However, not EVERYONE he knows is a bonafide alcoholic however, alcohol seems to exist abundantly in his life. When I began this crusade, I truly hoped my decision would lead him away from temptation but that line of thinking was seriously flawed. I've since given that idea up and decided to focus on the benefits to my life. I am more energized, focused and extremely clear-headed. I enjoy not experiencing heavy hangovers on the weekends and I'm more alive than ever before. Nevertheless, I've served as his designated driver on numerous occasions and I'm slowly becoming tired of his persitant need to drink.

He has stated that it isn't an addiction but it seems that everytime he is with his friends or by my house, he's always imbibing. I'm not really sure how to cope with this. While I plan to return to my alcoholic ways (though not as heavily), I'm still a bit frustrated. The Voice traveled out of town twice to party with his friends and came back with behemoth hangovers. Personally, I no longer desire drinking to the point of being wasted and sometimes I simply don't get where he's coming from; I feel as though he's still living out his college days. He's no fun when he's drinking (he falls asleep leaving me bored) and I see him morphing into a younger version of individuals who've suffered the cruel effects of alcohol addiction. Overall, I'm concerned for his health and well-being. Diabetes, liver and kidney illnesses, nervous system disorders, heart problems are all issues that can arise from his drinking. I know firsthand since I've seen what this disease has done to the people I love.

The worst part? He vehemently denies that he's got a problem.

So how can I resolve my issues and feelings surrounding alcohol and still date someone who is very much under the influence?

Is this simply a disaster waiting to happen or can we truly work it out?

Mr. Independent

I'm hoping that someone out there can help me out right quick with a situation.

Since I've been dating The Voice, my family has experienced an interesting reaction. While they have accepted him with open arms, I believe they're going through "empty nest" syndrome and I'm not sure exactly how to respond.

My mother and I are extremely close and I share a lot of information regarding my personal, academic and professional life with her. I often seek out her advice and we dialogue for hours on various topics ranging from our favorite television shows to relationship advice. However, I've been away nearly every weekend for the past three months. I usually reside at The Voice's place and while it is only one town over, I rarely come home.

When I do return home, both Java-Mama and Pops make comments such as,

"oh, it's nice to see you finally!"

or

"I think you live here but I'm not sure ..."

I neglect to respond to their commentary however, I'm finding that I'm becoming more annoyed. I enjoy my time away from home and it's allowing me an eagle-eyed perspective on my living situation. I am less constrained and more self-reliant when I'm away. I'm beginning to feel as though they want me to remain stifled and restricted.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm always free to come and go. Nevertheless, when you live at home with your parents, you're still bound to certain responsibilities. I haven't helped out as much around the house and since Rugrat began his job, he works odd hours and isn't around much either.

I'm more independent than ever since I began this crazy journey with The Voice. While I do depend on my parents for certain things, I feel a need to detach myself. When I'm leaving for a long day (back to back school and work) they act as though I'm leaving on a three week vacation. Furthermore, when I depart on a Sunday night to stay with The Voice, my mom proceeds to hug me as if she'll never see me again. I appreciate the love but I sense an impact on our relationship. I'm concerned that his uber-independent personality may lead him to attempt extrication from my family situation.

Now that I’ve explained the circumstance, I’d like to know your thoughts …

Should I leave it alone and let things run their course naturally (i.e. let my parents adapt on their own terms) or should I try to impose my order on the situation?

Weekend of Thanks

Has everyone had enough turkey yet?! I'm just about sick of it! Java-Mama carved up the remainder of the turkey and concocted soup. Nonetheless, a "rose by any other name is still a rose!" and turkey, no matter how it's prepared is still turkey!

How was your Thanksgiving? Relaxing, I hope ...

I departed work earlier on Thanksgiving Eve and went to my baby's crib. Thanksgiving morning, we proceeded to the gym and I ran about 6 miles. Afterwards, I chilled at home and managed to catch up on some personal items. Pops wasn’t feeling well so Java-Mama, Rugrat and myself finished preparing the meal. Nevertheless, we had an exceptional dinner. Later on, I dropped by J-Dub's house and hung out with The Voice and his close friends/family. We sat around laughing, joking and sipping on pumpkin martinis while watching Beauty Shop.

The Voice stayed over my house. I permitted him to sleep in my bed (I only have a twin) and I settled on an air mattress. The next morning, we made breakfast (grits, eggs, bacon, pancakes, biscuits, and toast) for my family. My man can really throw down in the kitchen and there ain’t nothing sexier than a guy who can cook!

Therewithal, we went mattress shopping (his mattress is in bad shape) and after several stops, we eventually settled on decent one for a reasonable price. Unfortunately, it will be delivered this coming weekend so we have to endure back pain for several more nights. It was truly pleasant to shop with him on such a significant purchase. Furthermore, we were in a furniture store browsing through sofas, bedroom and dining sets, discussing how our apartment would look and who would decorate which room.

I went to work Friday night but returned at 3 AM and snuggled with him until the first rays of Saturday light dawned. After a trip to the barbershop, I took him to one of my four alma maters (yeah, I’ve been to four schools - and?) We toured Nashua, New Hampshire and Daniel Webster College. I hadn't been back to my school in years and quite a few changes had taken place. Many memories flooded back and I cherished being able to share them with him.

He got one of his tattoos touched up over in Salem and then I drove like the wind to Boston to check out Eddie Griffin at the Wilbur Theater (Comedy Connection). Ole dude was CRAZY funny and we had moderately appropriate seats in the front, albeit somewhat smothering. Eddie spoke about Obama, starving kids in Africa, Richard Pryor, Bernie Mac, his family and a wide range of topics.

As we left the theater, The Voice was virtually run down by a car and I stood by, completely paralyzed. He cussed the driver out (who turned without using a signal) and when we finally reached the parking garage, I almost broke down. Essentially, I realize he means a lot to me but the possibility of death or serious injury was too great for me to bear. When we got back to the house, we lay in bed watching The Reaping until he drifted off to sleep in my arms. I came mere inches to losing my angel and I wasn't about to release him that night.

Sunday we attended a Thanksgiving buffet hosted by a motherly friend of The Voice. She absolutely adores me (as did most of her guests) and said we made a handsome couple. We brought her flowers and wine as a contribution to the meal and I had an amazing time. Afterward, we did laundry and then relaxed at my house. Java-Mama and Pops pulled out the family photo albums and took a trip down memory lane which included a picture of Baby K.C. with my a** caught in the bars of the crib!

And no! I'm not scanning it and putting it on my blog! LOL

All in all, I had a spectacular weekend. Some laughs, scares, memories and some really spectacular food! The Voice flies out of town this week and I'm focusing on my class presentation that is due Friday. Furthermore, my Jazz Concert is next Tuesday evening (12/9) and my jury is next Friday (12/12) so I've got a LOT of practicing to do this week/weekend. Seeing my baby this weekend will be a sweet reward for all this hard work!

Have a great week everyone!

Give Thanks

For the past few weeks I've been moping about, always concerned with what I don't have. I scrutinize other individuals and think, "wow, they've got the best job in the world!" or "why is it taking me so long to get my degree?" I study their clothes, cars, homes, affluence, vacations and conjecture deeply what went wrong with me.

Well, the Thanksgiving spirit has descended upon me and I'm removing my green contact lenses permanently. I'm continuously moaning and groaning about how busy I am or how time consuming my education and job are. I continually grumble about the late hours I'm working and the homework. Furthermore, I've even managed to find fault with my boyfriend.

I've decided to shut that personality component down for good.

While I'm pursuing my dream, I’ve become exceedingly blinded by greed and envy and lost sight of my blessings. For the longest time, I desired a boyfriend and God sent down The Voice. He is truly "heaven sent" and is helping to improve me with each passing day.

I quit my former occupation so I could achieve this degree. Music is life, it’s my passion. It consumes my soul and embraces my imagination. I am closer to God when I play the piano. There are a billion people in the world who would give anything to be in my shoes, chasing their long-lost dreams yet I am still discontented.

Consequently, I'm revealing to the world that I am incredibly thankful for the blessings that have been bestowed upon me. I possess a loving family, a compassionate, magnificent boyfriend and a job that pays well with great benefits. I'm in school, virtually a year from graduation and retain respectable friends who unfailingly have my back. I've a car, I’m not in substantial debt, I'm healthy, I'm skilled in art and music and most of all, simply blessed. There are much worse positions that I could be in.

I will no longer be concerned with how much wealth a person boasts or what fashions or gadgets they own. I'm going to "do me" and focus on my happiness. The Voice is infatuated with a song from T.I. called "Live Your Life" and even set it as his ringtone (I'm basically ready to smash his phone!) In the opening of the song, T.I. exclaims,

"… stop being concerned about what you don't got and be thankful for the things you do got"

Furthermore, part of the chorus says, "live your life, no telling where it will take you." I'm positioned on a monumental opportunity and it's time I started "living my life like it's golden."

Ultimately, I'm doing what I want to do and there are so many exhilarating opportunities waiting for me in the future. I may not become a great performer or a powerful record exec, but at least I know I'm living passionately. Toward the end of my life I will be able to say,

"I did it my way and had so much fun along the journey!"

With Thanksgiving approaching, who or what are YOU most thankful for?

That Hump

I thought I was strong, however I nearly lost it all yesterday.

School.

My boyfriend.

Work.

Sanity.

All my "baffle them with your bull**** " finally caught up to me yesterday during jazz band rehearsal.

Java-Mama has repeatedly expressed concern that I was allocating far too much time toward The Voice. Naturally, I objected. Nevertheless, she was right (as mother’s usually are). I don't spend enough time practicing and let me tell you, when you're a music major, practicing consumes your life, your soul, your heart, your all.

However, I didn't heed the musicians credo and paid the ultimate penalty.

The professor for jazz band (aka Professor X) subtly stressed that the band is "only as strong as it's weakest link." Now, I'm a man who admits to his mistakes and endures the consequences. Whether they involve torture, pain, or simply a fine or bad grade, I'll own up to my faults. Naturally, I admitted to both Professor X and Hand Killer that I haven't been practicing like I should.

Professor X said, "the next five rehearsals are extremely crucial for our final concert and if you don't have your solos and parts down now, you'll be sitting on stage either jamming or looking like a fool."

Honestly, I'm extremely competitive and self-conscious when it comes to my talent. I‘ve been playing organ since I was six and self-taught myself piano around the age of nine just by watching the church musicians. I've performed at hundreds of functions throughout my life so stage fright isn’t an issue. I've become very confident in my skills throughout the years.

Consequently, I've also become incredibly self-critical and sensitive to errors when I perform. I was extremely embarassed when put on blast in front of the band however, I have no one to blame but myself. Simply put, I didn't practice so I got mud thrown in my face.

Amalgamate this incident with a few less significant frustrations throughout the day and thus a recipe for K.C's World Famous Pity Parties resulted. I considered giving up school, my job (I'm still adjusting) and even splitting with my boyfriend. Of course, I wouldn't really have given up all those things, especially The Voice, but when I feel my back is against the wall, I revert to my immature personality.

Fortunately, Java-Mama talked with me (via our crappy AT&T phones) and suggested a solution.

Get organized!

Duh!

Now, I'm intelligent. I've a 3.7 GPA, I've received copious awards, been accepted into several honors societies and excelled at nearly every occupation I've had, yet this thought never actually crossed my mind. She proposed drafting a weekly schedule and distributing my time more sensibly. Obviously, that is challenging when you're exceedingly infatuated with someone and crave the maximum time feasible with him. Our weekends are often spontaneous and impulsive and numerous modifications occur in our pre-determined agenda.

Furthermore, my frustrations derive from my indecisive post-collegiate career plans. However, we've got time to discuss that issue in profundity on another post.

The point I'm making is that I need to get organized. I ought to really arrange my time more prudently. I've never retained a full-time job while attending school full-time all while building a relationship. Additionally, I enjoy being busy. While these responsibilities give me a significant sense of maturity, juggling my time is more arduous than I anticpated. I can no longer practice at the last minute and I can no longer skimp on sleep for work.

The Voice sent me a text message earlier saying that perhaps he “need(s) to back off” and let me focus on school. My response? "No, that's not what I want; I simply require allocating my time more sagaciously."

So I'm inquiring among all my fellow bloggers out there:

1. How do you allocate your time and responsibilities?

2. Do you find it easy or hard?

3. Do you have any tips on how to successfully balance the "Big Three" in my life?

If I could get over that hump,
Then maybe I will feel better
Maybe I won't fall
If I could get over that hump,
Then maybe I will ...

(That Hump - Erykah Badu, New Amerykah: Part One 4th World War)

Here I Am ...

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've written on my blog!

First and foremost, my apologies to all my followers, readers and commentators. Obviously, school comes first but still, I have to say I missed you guys!

Now, it's been several weeks and a LOT, I mean GAZILLIONS of things have occurred in my life so I'm only going to touch on the most significant items such as school, work, The Voice, friends, family, and ME!

School: We finally passed the mid-term and there’s only a few more weeks to go (thank God!) The intensity in Jazz Band has increased. I've missed a few classes but I’ve managed to persevere. Our group chemistry is coalescing but we've quite a way to go before our final concert. By the way, our public concert is December 9th, at 7:30 PM on campus so just putting that out there! I'm also setting up a link to our band's blog page.

The Ear Training / Music Theory classes are becoming a bit more difficult. I mainly want to get to the next level, weed out the non-music majors and get into the serious business! BTW, I played in front of the class and everyone loved it; seemed to make a few more friends on campus and whether I like it or not, I've created a reputation.

My Haydn piece is coming along positively nicely and Professor Hand Killer has given me a new classical piece (Schubert) to work on. I'm extremely saturated with music this semester. Sometimes I think I hate music ...

Work: I finally got a job! I'm going to be working for Quest Diagnostics, Inc. and my hours will be 6 PM until 2 AM. I know, I know, I'll probably be a “dead brotha walking” by 2009 but so are the sacrifices I must make. It's a full-time position, with great benefits and the pay is MUCH better than my old job. I'm relieved to have a job now so I can return to the doctor, buy what I want and need (i.e. iPhone, clothes, laptop, etc.), and get Christmas presents for everyone! I'll let you know more after orientation next week ...

The Voice: Well, well, well ... what can I say? This man has made me the happiest I've ever been in my life. He has my highs, my lows, my ups, my downs, my heart, my soul, my mind and my ear. When he's away, his absence is nearly unbearable. My weekends have been exceedingly busy and a constant whirlwind of poetry clubs, dance clubs, meeting his friends, shopping, dining out and simply hanging out. We recently passed our two month anniversary this past Thursday and what a crazy two months it has been! I possess three teddy bears, roses (he surprised me the other day at Outback), and a ton of memories. I feel as though I’ve known him my entire life!

For his birthday weekend, I checked him into the Hilton at Logan Airport, left two roses on the bed, champagne chilling on ice, a box of honey roasted cashews (yeah, he has strange tastes) and treated him like royalty. I purchased tickets to see Roy Hargrove at Scullers Jazz Club. Overall, each weekend becomes better than the last ...

Consequently, there is so much I've omitted on account of length (I could drone on and on for pages) but trust me y'all, he's captured my heart unlike any other man! BTW, my parents and friends have approved! Furthermore, there is more I'd like to discuss about The Voice but we'll save that for another post ...

Friends: Thai Guy has been going through some difficult times so I ask you all to keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

The Divo is nearing the end of his collegiate journey and I'm soooo very proud of him!

I'm contemplating one last attempt to reach out to D.G. I really miss her friendship. I know I'm stubborn (as a mule) but I also don't want 10 years of friendship to be dismissed just because of some stupid a** s***! I'll put up a post about her and you guys let me know what I should do ... okay?

Family: My cousin, The Black Elephant, has been added to my blog so check his page out when you get a moment! Yes, he's a Republican but if you are mature enough to remain open-minded, you'll find he's quite engaging!

Pops was in the hospital a few weeks back but he’s doing much better now. He's home and driving us all up a wall.

Rugrat got a job at Home Depot so I don't see much of him these days. He and The Voice have an ongoing rivarly (harmless banter) but it's resulted in Rugrat dubbing him the Predator (so named for his dread locks similar to the beasty from the movie). I suppose this means Rugrat approves.

And last but not least ...

ME: The most important aspect of this blog (that's a fact!) I'm down to 189 pounds and The Voice has encouraged me to return to the gym.

I ordered a laptop this week. I should have it next week and maybe I'll be able to keep up with my blog while at school or during my breaks at work.

I was in a car accident on Monday (there goes my spotless driving record!) however, I'm doing okay. This foreigner (I'll be P.C.) decided to stop upon merging with traffic. I slammed on my brakes and managed to stop but the vehicle behind me rear-ended mine. When we all got out to exchange papers, the foreigner took off. One of the girls in the truck behind me managed to get his license plate number but the state trooper told us he wasn't able to get anything on this guy. Oh well, I guess I'll sit back and watch my premiums go up! Oh yeah, my baby is fine, a few scratches to the bumper but that's about it. The other SUV? Lost a headlight and the hood was all jacked up. It seems Ford Escape's plastic bumpers are tougher than they look!

I visited the Fund today with The Voice as a way to close that chapter of my life; I'm ready to move on to Quest. I'm a bit apprehensive about the new job but I'm sure I'll be all right. I'm excited about juggling a full-time job and school as well as dating (I see our bond growing more profound and solid every week). I feel more mature as the days pass but still can't shake those misgivings I've spoken about in my past postings regarding the direction of my life ...

:: sigh ::

We'll see what happens as I take it one day at a time ... have a good weekend everyone! :o)

Crossroads

My mother and I are very close. We have television shows that we watch religiously (Desperate Housewives, ER, Girlfriends) and we typically discuss a lot of issues, personal and social. Additionally, she frequently gives me great advice when I’m deciding something crucial. Several friends have commented that I'm lucky to have a good relationship with my mother since many of them are left beneath the judgmental and disapproving glare of their parents. However, I don't exist in a land of roses and bluebirds. And because we are close, our arguments and disagreements tend to be particularly tense and deeply affect me.

Last night, we conversed and my mother challenged my work ethic and decision to leave my job. I'm attending school in September full-time and the plantation company I slave work for now won't permit the hours I require. Subsequently, I've decided it's time to move on, especially after five years. They are downsizing and I fear I may be next to get the pink slip. Furthermore, I think it's time for a change since I'm extremely bored and miserable here.

My mother questioned my plans following graduation. I told her pointedly that I didn’t know what I was going to do with the degree once I got it. That's why I'm considering an internship and trying to make connections. She stated that I've always had things come easy and that “magically obtaining a job within a month is naive.” I kept my cool but started to get slightly defensive. After all, this is my life and these are my decisions; what I do doesn't affect them physically or financially.

Well, we came to an impasse and I showered before bed. A half hour later, I found my mom sitting on the front porch with The General (my lazy ass dog who thinks he runs the house). I joined her and launched into a justification of my reasons and decisions. I told her it was my life and that while I understand her concern about my future, I have to live my own life and figure everything out for myself, mistakes included.

Her main reason for feeling this way? She sees me following in her footsteps. She obtained an art degree from UMass Boston and never did anything to establish a career in that field. Her voice faintly choked as she told me her educational regrets. She never had a career plan after college and sees me going down the same path.

We managed to smooth our conversation over and I went to bed. Admittedly, I'm feeling more anxious after that conversation. I'm freaking out! I was so determined to acquire this degree after years of sitting on my ass. I'm extraordinarily close to finishing but honestly don't know what I want to do after college. Most young boys dream of being in the NBA but reality dictates that most will never succeed. The same in the music industry. Everyone dreams of being a star but reality has set in and I know I have to consider other alternatives within the field (i.e., teaching or A&R). I always hear that as young black men, education is necessary to achieve life goals and I'm doing just that. I'm proud that I've been exceedingly ambitious but what next?

All these changes make me uneasy. I'm scared of what will or won’t be. I am generally content with my life. Nevertheless, departing my job, and ultimately school, will be huge. Moreover, I eventually hope to move out. And while I don't want entertain this thought, my dad has become elderly very quickly within the past few months. He can hardly walk, uses a cane and he sleeps most of the day. His health isn't excellent and I’m worried for him over the next few years (i.e., nursing home). I've always prided myself on being tough and putting up a facade, that everything in my life is under control but I'm deathly terrified because at this point, my future is beyond my control.

The Cookout (Pt. 1)

Every year, my family and I host an annual cookout which has been a enormous success for the past three years. While we appreciate our guest's reception, hosting an event of this magnitude is exceedingly exhausting and financially taxing. On average, we have a guest list of about 50 to 80+ individuals which in turn requires a lot of ribs, burgers, chicken and many other side dishes. The guests range from local neighbors, to church folk, to family members to guests from as far away as Georgia, New Jersey, Florida and New York.

The initial idea for this cookout originated via Rugrat's mind. When my bro and I were younger, our family was known for our summer cookouts which attracted tons of people and the memories of those events have persisted into adulthood. However, we've created and lost friendships and circumstances have allowed for a new group of family and friends who did not experience our past cookouts. Thus, in 2005, we decided to have the biggest cookout possible.

In order to make it better than our "average" past cookouts, we added unique touches such as raffles (50/50, iPods, etc.), pools, volleyball, basketball, and balloons. We created a musical playlist which combined blues, Motown oldies, R&B and my bro's rap. Every year has been a learning experience from the guests, food, activities and music. Consequently, the memories are too numerous to mention in this post and being able to have my aunts, uncles, choir members, co-workers, neighbors, friends, cousins, great-nieces and nephews and even ex's all getting along in one yard is one hell of an amazing experience!

We've had good memories such as celebrating my parents 25th anniversary with a special cake as well as not so good memories, including me getting wasted and proceeding to cuss out my late aunt and parents while being restrained by Kingston (I apologized before she passed and since cut back on alcohol ten fold). Seeing little children run around playing while the adults just relaxed and ate grilled food lifts my spirit and has given me something to look forward to every year. And the most phenomenal part? Sitting at my table and seeing Crazy, D.G., Kingston, The Divo and BJ (one of my X-Men) actually get along!

Nevertheless, the annual cookout will occur this coming weekend (19th) and I really think someone is going to be killed before this is over! My family has a cookout account that we fund continuously throughout the year and after a January meeting, we determine if and when the cookout will transpire. Needless to say, the enthusiasm is minimal and a few curve balls have been thrown our way. Due to President Idiot's economical "slow-down", money is definitely tight. Furthermore, my dad's health isn't all that great so most of the manual labor (yard work) has been left to me and my bro.

Thankfully, we have decided that this will be the last year for a while so I think we're going to really try and enjoy this. While I won't grieve over the work that goes into this, I will miss the excitement and gathering of friends and family. So far, this year is looking promising with the weather possibly cooperating. I'm a bit disappointed that Kingston, D.G. and BJ won't be there but I'm very excited that The Divo and his boyfriend, 3 Degrees and her boyfriend, and Crazy will be attending. Overall, I'm going to endeavor to enjoy it knowing that it will be over soon but I am going to really miss our summertime tradition ...