Sometimes

Sometimes I love you,
Sometimes you make me blue,
Sometimes I feel good,
At times I feel used

I keep on fallin’, in and out of love with you
I never loved someone the way that I’m lovin’ you

(Alicia Keys – Fallin’, Songs in A Minor)

Several years ago, I met BJ during one of my lowest points in my life. I had been denied reinstatement at Berklee College of Music and for months, I resided at home, atrophying with no job, money or education. I literally had no idea what to do next and thus I entered a depression. Ironically, I met The Divo within a week of meeting BJ and during this bleak period, I had a shining beacon of optimism to adhere to.

Until that moment, I had dated boys (they so don't qualify as men!) who had nothing going for them. Or rather, I thought I was dating boys. Most of those couplings never lasted long and I was on the prowl within a month. But BJ seemed different. He worked at a major Boston hospital (clerical) and in my juvenile SGL mind he was the s***. You see, BJ had a car. None of the other guys I dated had cars and I was instantly hooked. A mix of idolatry, envy, lust and intrigue led to some serious flirting. E-mails every morning when I awoke and phone conversations almost all day. Since I was unemployed, I was able to meet him in Boston for lunch and on weekends, I hung out with him every chance I got.

However, in typical K.C. fashion, I isolated and magnified his shortcomings. The major obstacle that impeded my feelings toward him were his friends. Most of them were intense partiers and booze and weed was in abundance during his free time. While most of his friends knew he was SGL, he kept me from hanging with them which only made me more curious and suspicious. Nevertheless, we had our private moments, fulfilling conversations and nights together.

BJ was a music aficionado and subsequently he directed the Holy Black Mafia's men’s choir at my church. I had astounded him the day we visited his former high school, where I performed on the piano. I felt a deep artistic connection and we agreed we were from "the same tree, different branches." Furthermore, he was the only guy I've dated who actually likes Star Trek and we went to see Nemesis (yes, the cute little nerdy couple! lol) Eventually, “love slipped from my lips, dripped down my chin and landed in his lap and us became new” (Jill Scott – Love Rain, Who Is Jill Scott: Words & Sounds, Vol. 1).

All seemed idyllic until he was arrested for his little drug habit.

The stress of unemployment began affecting our relationship as well as his constant reference to a specific friend. After a disastrous V-Day (I ended up breaking up with him that day, yeah, yeah, I'm a cold-hearted b*****!), I tried to patch things up. However, once I landed my current job, we split permanently. While visiting my sister Tweet, I drove past the restaurant of our first date and actually found myself crying. I actually had to pull over and in that moment of weakness, I realized I wanted to remain his friend regardless of what everyone else thought or what we had been through. I tensely accompanied him to a an audition at a Connecticut university and during the ride, we hammered out the boundaries of our new friendship.

Things were rocky while we figured out how to be "just friends" but eventually it came naturally. We flirted from time to time but the chemistry withered and died. Since we didn't work far from one another, we had lunch often and kept up with the latest in our lives. We attended concerts together (The First Ladies Tour, Erykah Badu, Alicia Keys, The Sugarwater Festival) and I loaned him money (yeah, dumb mistake!) for his car. Incredibly, he came to dinner when I was dating Heart2Soul and was quite the gentleman. Unfortunately years later, I discovered he had cheated on me with his aforementioned friend. I've forgiven him but that incident assisted in altering my heartbreaking ways. While D.G., The Divo and my family had some issues with him, I continued our friendship ... until last year. We haven't spoken in about a year and I attribute that to his new boyfriend and maybe just being busy. I’ve been busy as well yet, I truly miss talking with him.

However, I wrote this post for two reasons: 1) to introduce the character of BJ and 2) to gain some advice. Rugrat is looking for a job and is interested in the place that BJ currently works. I've considered contacting BJ and asking if he can use his managerial influence to help Rugrat out but I'm not sure if that's proper etiquette. Granted, everyone in the world uses everyone to some degree; that's human nature. Nonetheless, I don't view this as personal so much as a business request. So what do you guys think ... should I bother to open that door again just to help family or perhaps leave well enough alone?

The Cookout (Pt. 1)

Every year, my family and I host an annual cookout which has been a enormous success for the past three years. While we appreciate our guest's reception, hosting an event of this magnitude is exceedingly exhausting and financially taxing. On average, we have a guest list of about 50 to 80+ individuals which in turn requires a lot of ribs, burgers, chicken and many other side dishes. The guests range from local neighbors, to church folk, to family members to guests from as far away as Georgia, New Jersey, Florida and New York.

The initial idea for this cookout originated via Rugrat's mind. When my bro and I were younger, our family was known for our summer cookouts which attracted tons of people and the memories of those events have persisted into adulthood. However, we've created and lost friendships and circumstances have allowed for a new group of family and friends who did not experience our past cookouts. Thus, in 2005, we decided to have the biggest cookout possible.

In order to make it better than our "average" past cookouts, we added unique touches such as raffles (50/50, iPods, etc.), pools, volleyball, basketball, and balloons. We created a musical playlist which combined blues, Motown oldies, R&B and my bro's rap. Every year has been a learning experience from the guests, food, activities and music. Consequently, the memories are too numerous to mention in this post and being able to have my aunts, uncles, choir members, co-workers, neighbors, friends, cousins, great-nieces and nephews and even ex's all getting along in one yard is one hell of an amazing experience!

We've had good memories such as celebrating my parents 25th anniversary with a special cake as well as not so good memories, including me getting wasted and proceeding to cuss out my late aunt and parents while being restrained by Kingston (I apologized before she passed and since cut back on alcohol ten fold). Seeing little children run around playing while the adults just relaxed and ate grilled food lifts my spirit and has given me something to look forward to every year. And the most phenomenal part? Sitting at my table and seeing Crazy, D.G., Kingston, The Divo and BJ (one of my X-Men) actually get along!

Nevertheless, the annual cookout will occur this coming weekend (19th) and I really think someone is going to be killed before this is over! My family has a cookout account that we fund continuously throughout the year and after a January meeting, we determine if and when the cookout will transpire. Needless to say, the enthusiasm is minimal and a few curve balls have been thrown our way. Due to President Idiot's economical "slow-down", money is definitely tight. Furthermore, my dad's health isn't all that great so most of the manual labor (yard work) has been left to me and my bro.

Thankfully, we have decided that this will be the last year for a while so I think we're going to really try and enjoy this. While I won't grieve over the work that goes into this, I will miss the excitement and gathering of friends and family. So far, this year is looking promising with the weather possibly cooperating. I'm a bit disappointed that Kingston, D.G. and BJ won't be there but I'm very excited that The Divo and his boyfriend, 3 Degrees and her boyfriend, and Crazy will be attending. Overall, I'm going to endeavor to enjoy it knowing that it will be over soon but I am going to really miss our summertime tradition ...

Cross My Mind

I've been promising for the past few posts that I'd reminisce a little about Kingston so here goes. In order to declare oneself beautifully human, you have to acknowledge your mistakes and your past. Kingston was my first boyfriend and my first love. He's Jamaican, tall, dark, chocolate and sexy as hell! Well to me he was! And still is.

I met Kingston while I was dating my high school girlfriend. I was off at school in Florida and we met via an AOL chat room (romantic, eh?) on Jan. 15th, 2000. I still remember he came in and I IMed him and said in my immature way, "they don't talk to black guys in here" ... great first liner! Anyway, we struck up a conversation and before you knew it, I was up all night long, every night, typing away. We traded those dumb survey e-mails (you know the ones your annoying ass friends send you over and over again asking "who's most likely to respond?") and I sat on my bed, in my dorm room with my laptop, laughing, giggling and totally infatuated. My roommate had to be annoyed though he never showed it. Eventually we progressed to phone convos but they were hard at first because of his accent. I remember going back online telling him, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't quite figure out what you said!" My teenage love affair got so serious that I started skipping classes and all I could think about was him. What he looked like in person, how great it would be to just be with him.

Well to speed things along, my girlfriend and I broke up after a while (I think she suspected something was up) and I ended up packing my bags and heading to NYC to meet him. Yeah, stupid! I hear stuff on the news now about all the gay bashings and killings and I'm so thankful that I had a guardian angel with me. Meeting a strange guy in a huge city (plus I lied to my folks since I hadn't come out yet) could have spelled disaster but instead it turned into something I'll always remember. I stayed on Park Ave. in this upscale but tiny hotel room. We ended up spending every waking and sleeping moment together. We went to his neighborhood in the Bronx, went to Central Park, Times Sq., the Empire St. Building, and Christopher Street and almost managed to get to the Statue of Liberty. The weekend was mostly overcast, muggy and rainy but I didn't care. I was in love. It started to rain in Central Park and he gave me his shirt (too big) for me to wear and I still have it to this day.

The first moment I met Kingston, I was hooked. He had these huge biceps in this tiny black muscle tee and always carried a white towel like he was coming from a workout. And the bubble ... Lawd have mercy! Like Jill said, "it would turn me on just to see you walk into the room, across the room, out of the room ... " He was the first guy I ever kissed and it was so strange feeling his stubble on my lips. Whenever I was held, I felt so safe and secure and while he wasn't out to his family, I always felt he opened up to me in ways he never could with anyone. I have a thing now for Jamaicans, dreads and all things curry, thanks to Kingston.

Flashing forward to the present, things fell apart. I don't think I could handle the pressure of a long distance relationship and got suspicious. I also think I needed to explore. I was now officially inducted into my gayness (LoL) and wanted to discover more. Believe me, my black book can attest to the strange s*** I've seen! But even after all these years, he's moved on, I've moved on, we still have a connection. We talk now and then on the phone or via IM but it's more like an unconditional love. I recently got back in touch with him a few years ago and while we've both aged, he still looks good to me. Most would disagree, but he's always been my boo. There's a spark but it's not as strong. I like it that way. He came to visit during pride week a few years back, and we were sitting up watching QAF after a long hot day in Boston. He simply decided to stretch out and his head ended up on my lap and he was snoring. I realized at that moment how comfortable we are with each other. He's not free to be himself at home but here, my family came to accept him and consider him like family and he's visibly relaxed when it comes to some PDA (public displays of affection).

Kingston's in a relationship now and our convos are steadily dropping off. He's reached the big 3-0 mark and seems to be ready to settle down. I used to get very envious and jealous (even though he's not my man anymore) when he blew me off. I guess, I still have a soft spot for him in my heart. But I'm also realizing now that he has to be happy. I just hope what friendship we do have doesn't die completely. Beyond every guy I've ever dated, he's the only one I truly gave my heart and soul to and loved unconditionally. He's seen me at my best and at my worst (that's a long ass story that involves a lot of booze) and while I never truly appreciated what we had and do have, I do like it. If you happen to read this, I just want to say thank you.

“But the reality is, honestly you where never good for me and I was never good for you. I just remember what we used to do … “ – Jill Scott (Cross My Mind – Words & Sounds Vol. 2: Beautifully Human)