Moving On

Closing the chapter on one part of my life ...

To The Voice:

Slowly, surely
I walk away from that old desperate and dazed love,
caught up in the maze of love,
the crazy craze of love

Thought it was good,
thought it was real,
thought it was
but it wasn't love

I just don't know
where I should go

Slowly, surely
I walk away from self-serving,
undeserving, constantly hurting me love
deserting me love
You said, I said, we said

But ...

Slowly, surely
I walk away from confusing love,
misusing love, abusing love
this can't be ...

Slowly, surely
I walk away from self-serving,
undeserving, constantly hurting me love

Slowly, surely
one step at a time
But surely I will pass the old love aside,
and love me ...

(Excerpts from Slowly, Surely - Who Is Jill Scott? Words & Sounds, Vol. 1)

To Blessed To Be Stressed ...

Happy New Year and what a time it is to refresh – new page – I know I’ve been gone a long while and I’ll probably need to work hard to gain back readers and followers but I needed the break and now I’m ready to get back into therapy. Yeah, I think blogging is a sort of therapy that’s helped make me into a better person. I started this blog a few months prior to meeting The Voice and I spoke about so many issues (i.e. local politics, family, friends, personal dilemmas, social observations, etc.) and it really assisted in clarifying the turmoil and chaos in my life as I traversed from one episode into the next.

I’m fast approaching another “intersection of life” (graduation from college in June) and dealing with a recent breakup and I need to talk all this out. So I hope you guys don’t mind being my therapists for a few months …

Since it’s a new year, I created a new blog that I’m hoping to really get off the ground after graduation (it’s going to focus on my attempt at a music career). I set it up but haven’t really the time to juggle two blogs but it’ll be up and running soon!

A quick note: I’m returning to school next week in my hopefully last semester at UMB and unfortunately I’ll be managing an extremely packed schedule (SEVEN courses) so I’m going to try to make time and not let this blog slip like I did the last time. So have mercy on a brotha if you see typos and extremely messed up grammar!

In the coming weeks, I’ll be posting on my break up and unresolved feelings towards The Voice, post some photos and/or vids from my cruise back in October, vids from my jazz band concert last semester, discussing my thoughts about current events (Haiti, special Mass senatorial election result), update my workout regiments, book readings, posing a questions regarding sexuality, mental illness and the music industry as well as posting on developments at home! And of course, I’ll be trying to catch up on some of my favorite bloggers and see what you all have been up to!

So let’s get this thing started!

Dead And Gone

To The Voice:

Oooooooh
I've been travelin' on this road to long
Just trying to find my way back home
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone

I turn my head to the east
I don’t see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west
Still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north
Swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me is dead and gone
But that new me will be all right ...

(Excerpt from Dead And Gone - T.I. feat. Justin Timberlake)

Random Thoughts & Questions ...

1. What would it be like if arachnids had wings?

2. Why is the vocoder in every song lately? I think it needs to die an awful death ...

3. Why is Plies still rapping?

4. In Cambridge, MA, bicycles rule the streets so much that even thugs ride ...

Give Thanks

For the past few weeks I've been moping about, always concerned with what I don't have. I scrutinize other individuals and think, "wow, they've got the best job in the world!" or "why is it taking me so long to get my degree?" I study their clothes, cars, homes, affluence, vacations and conjecture deeply what went wrong with me.

Well, the Thanksgiving spirit has descended upon me and I'm removing my green contact lenses permanently. I'm continuously moaning and groaning about how busy I am or how time consuming my education and job are. I continually grumble about the late hours I'm working and the homework. Furthermore, I've even managed to find fault with my boyfriend.

I've decided to shut that personality component down for good.

While I'm pursuing my dream, I’ve become exceedingly blinded by greed and envy and lost sight of my blessings. For the longest time, I desired a boyfriend and God sent down The Voice. He is truly "heaven sent" and is helping to improve me with each passing day.

I quit my former occupation so I could achieve this degree. Music is life, it’s my passion. It consumes my soul and embraces my imagination. I am closer to God when I play the piano. There are a billion people in the world who would give anything to be in my shoes, chasing their long-lost dreams yet I am still discontented.

Consequently, I'm revealing to the world that I am incredibly thankful for the blessings that have been bestowed upon me. I possess a loving family, a compassionate, magnificent boyfriend and a job that pays well with great benefits. I'm in school, virtually a year from graduation and retain respectable friends who unfailingly have my back. I've a car, I’m not in substantial debt, I'm healthy, I'm skilled in art and music and most of all, simply blessed. There are much worse positions that I could be in.

I will no longer be concerned with how much wealth a person boasts or what fashions or gadgets they own. I'm going to "do me" and focus on my happiness. The Voice is infatuated with a song from T.I. called "Live Your Life" and even set it as his ringtone (I'm basically ready to smash his phone!) In the opening of the song, T.I. exclaims,

"… stop being concerned about what you don't got and be thankful for the things you do got"

Furthermore, part of the chorus says, "live your life, no telling where it will take you." I'm positioned on a monumental opportunity and it's time I started "living my life like it's golden."

Ultimately, I'm doing what I want to do and there are so many exhilarating opportunities waiting for me in the future. I may not become a great performer or a powerful record exec, but at least I know I'm living passionately. Toward the end of my life I will be able to say,

"I did it my way and had so much fun along the journey!"

With Thanksgiving approaching, who or what are YOU most thankful for?

That Hump

I thought I was strong, however I nearly lost it all yesterday.

School.

My boyfriend.

Work.

Sanity.

All my "baffle them with your bull**** " finally caught up to me yesterday during jazz band rehearsal.

Java-Mama has repeatedly expressed concern that I was allocating far too much time toward The Voice. Naturally, I objected. Nevertheless, she was right (as mother’s usually are). I don't spend enough time practicing and let me tell you, when you're a music major, practicing consumes your life, your soul, your heart, your all.

However, I didn't heed the musicians credo and paid the ultimate penalty.

The professor for jazz band (aka Professor X) subtly stressed that the band is "only as strong as it's weakest link." Now, I'm a man who admits to his mistakes and endures the consequences. Whether they involve torture, pain, or simply a fine or bad grade, I'll own up to my faults. Naturally, I admitted to both Professor X and Hand Killer that I haven't been practicing like I should.

Professor X said, "the next five rehearsals are extremely crucial for our final concert and if you don't have your solos and parts down now, you'll be sitting on stage either jamming or looking like a fool."

Honestly, I'm extremely competitive and self-conscious when it comes to my talent. I‘ve been playing organ since I was six and self-taught myself piano around the age of nine just by watching the church musicians. I've performed at hundreds of functions throughout my life so stage fright isn’t an issue. I've become very confident in my skills throughout the years.

Consequently, I've also become incredibly self-critical and sensitive to errors when I perform. I was extremely embarassed when put on blast in front of the band however, I have no one to blame but myself. Simply put, I didn't practice so I got mud thrown in my face.

Amalgamate this incident with a few less significant frustrations throughout the day and thus a recipe for K.C's World Famous Pity Parties resulted. I considered giving up school, my job (I'm still adjusting) and even splitting with my boyfriend. Of course, I wouldn't really have given up all those things, especially The Voice, but when I feel my back is against the wall, I revert to my immature personality.

Fortunately, Java-Mama talked with me (via our crappy AT&T phones) and suggested a solution.

Get organized!

Duh!

Now, I'm intelligent. I've a 3.7 GPA, I've received copious awards, been accepted into several honors societies and excelled at nearly every occupation I've had, yet this thought never actually crossed my mind. She proposed drafting a weekly schedule and distributing my time more sensibly. Obviously, that is challenging when you're exceedingly infatuated with someone and crave the maximum time feasible with him. Our weekends are often spontaneous and impulsive and numerous modifications occur in our pre-determined agenda.

Furthermore, my frustrations derive from my indecisive post-collegiate career plans. However, we've got time to discuss that issue in profundity on another post.

The point I'm making is that I need to get organized. I ought to really arrange my time more prudently. I've never retained a full-time job while attending school full-time all while building a relationship. Additionally, I enjoy being busy. While these responsibilities give me a significant sense of maturity, juggling my time is more arduous than I anticpated. I can no longer practice at the last minute and I can no longer skimp on sleep for work.

The Voice sent me a text message earlier saying that perhaps he “need(s) to back off” and let me focus on school. My response? "No, that's not what I want; I simply require allocating my time more sagaciously."

So I'm inquiring among all my fellow bloggers out there:

1. How do you allocate your time and responsibilities?

2. Do you find it easy or hard?

3. Do you have any tips on how to successfully balance the "Big Three" in my life?

If I could get over that hump,
Then maybe I will feel better
Maybe I won't fall
If I could get over that hump,
Then maybe I will ...

(That Hump - Erykah Badu, New Amerykah: Part One 4th World War)

Heaven Sent

I swear I feel the spirit everytime you I look at you
Cause I know that God is moving in my life
There's a certain type of healing every time you look at me
And I know the feelings neither wrong nor right

Chorus:
It's very evident that you are heaven sent
It's very evident
It's very evident that you are heaven sent
It's very evident

Looking at the sun is like looking at your face
It blinds me sometimes
Laying on your chest is like being in the council of the angel my God

Chorus

I'm riding with an angel on a wave of love
I'm riding so high, riding with an angel

(Heaven Sent - Donnie, The Colored Section)

Certified Honest Blogger

I'm an honest blogger! Never had a doubt in my mind since I've always kept everything here absolutely, 100% true.

So big thanks to Young, Black and DL for the recognition!

When I began this blog, I was innocent, pure, uncorrupted. After several book review posts, I was contacted by L.M. Ross and Frederick Smith. Initially, I was deeply concerned because I had written some "not-so-nice" things in reference to their novels and was worried that I had offended them. Consequently, I learned that I had to remain true to myself and write from my heart and soul.

As The Voice would say, "Life's too short to be worried about what other people think."

After that, there's nothing else to add. So here are the rules:

1.) When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back.

2.) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.

3.) Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were nominated as an 'Honest Weblog.'

4.) Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you gave the prize (optional).

5.) And then pass it on!

Now I've seen other bloggers with this award, and some I have included an additional 6th rule ...

6.) Write 10 honest things about yourself (optional).

Okay, my obvious top choice for honest blogging is Young, Black and DL (Young, Black, and Downlow) since he's consistently keeping it real. His stories / adventures are highly interesting and snap me out of my reality for a little while. While I don't always agree with his ways, I respect him for his honesty.

My choices for bloggers who have brilliant content and design (and honesty) are as follows:

• Fuzzy (I wonder ...)
• shawnqt (//dreams in a fitted//)
• Cash S (Finally Seeing G)
• deonte'k (Deonte' K's Spot)
• Xem VanAdams-Lumumba (*Emerald Eye Entertainment*)
• KR (BPS 2.0)

While Young, Black and DL didn't do the 10 honest things about himself, I am going to step out on the runway and strut my stuff!

1. I am extremely introverted and self-conscious (click here for more).
2. I'm a crossword fanatic (surprised I didn't get fired from work after all the puzzles I did).
3. I actually want to visit Ireland some day (yeah, I know, black people don't usually say that!)
4. Since Young, Black and DL blew up my spot, I was celibate for over three years (obviously, not anymore).
5. I'm a huge mythology buff and even crafted a make-believe television series (e.g. Buffy, Angel, Charmed) during my free-time.
6. I can be massively arrogant from time to time.
7. I occasionally find some women sexually attractive even though I consider myself SGL and haven't dated a woman since 2001.
8. I hardly ever finish anything I start (MANY unfinished projects lying around the house!)
9. I'm a major procrastinator.
10. As much love as I have for my people(s), I sometimes get embarrassed by black (and SGL) people.

Damn, that was hard! I really had to dig deep and let me tell you, being honest with yourself isn't the easiest thing in the world. There are things you really don't want to admit and other things you would rather not share with the world but I had to remember that's what my blog is about: becoming beautifully human.

Please Leave A Message After The Beep

Hey everyone!

I decided I need a break (mentally and physically) for a while so I'm going to take the next week off from blogging. My departure from work has provided a week before school begins so I'm going to use the week to catch up on personal items, job hunt, clean house, practice, and simply relax.

Furthermore, I want to thank those who have commented over the past month as well as the two SGL authors (Ross & Smith) for contributing to my blog and adding an extra flair!

I hope everybody is enjoying their summer vacations as well and I'll return in September!

Friday Blues

Should anybody ask for me
Tell 'em I'll be right back
In a real short time,
It's just that I lost my mind
Gotta find it

I don't wanna lose my focus
But it's bound to leave
Everytime you come runnin' into me
You come runnin', runnin'
All we use to be
Shouldn't even matter to me

(Brandy - Focus: Afrodisiac)

This is my final Friday on the plantation the job and one would think I'd be thrilled. However, I've got some grey clouds swirling over my head. Welcome to my pity party. It appears that every time I'm feeling good (i.e. L.M. Ross contacting me), I always seek out the blues.

Kingston and I have been corresponding for several days and of course I transform into an idiot when I talk to him even though I realize he's moved on and actually seems happy. Some "desperate housewife" behavior ensued and now I've got pie on my face. I have the ultimate green eyes. And not just for ex's. I'm constantly eyeing my friends and their "seemingly perfect relationships" as well as some family (definitely not all!) I'm not naïve; I know everything isn't always perfect on the other side of the fence. Still, it's a habit I'm working extremely hard to break.

Twists returns tomorrow but honestly I haven't been feeling him while he's gone. I did miss him but I'm beginning to think that was just the lust infiltrating my thoughts. I've been horny as hell since he's been gone and even ventured back on BGC a few times. Lately, I'm in a sexual mode and I can't turn it off. I've got a hunger in my eyes while watching hot guys on the train and I'm extremely close to revisiting “casual hookups” again. Thankfully, I’ve only two weeks before school begins and then maybe I’ll focus on my studies again.

The last part of this grey cloud centers on my departure from work and beginning the semester. Let's do some self analysis!

"Lie down on the couch and tell me when this all began!"

Nah, for real, I suppose I'm despondent because significant changes are coming. I'm exiting my comfort zone. I've had the same routine, co-workers and boring a** train ride for over five years. Soon I’ll be broke with no idea when I'll get a job all while attending classes during the day. Consequently, I'm contemplating further on my future, or lack of. Another five semesters and I'll be finished. It will pass awfully quick. Truthfully, I don't know what I want to do following graduation thus I'm deliberating graduate school. However, that may be a stalling tactic to circumvent the "real world" and establish a career. I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed and thus I'm seeking sexual companionship to ease the stress.

Hmm, maybe I should change my major to psychology …

I don't really want feedback. I just needed to express this peculiar feeling and regain the right mentality. I’ll check back on Monday and hope everyone has a good weekend!

Take Everything In

During my daily commute, there is a tree I face on the other side of the train tracks. Back in late May, when most trees had blossomed, this tree was virtually bare. Two years prior, I discerned a railroad spike lodged in a branch. Subsequently, I was convinced this iron thorn had poisoned the tree and inhibited any type of growth. The few leaves that did emerge were brown and withered. I assumed this was the end of the road for this tree. However, several weeks ago, the tree began sprouting leaves like crazy. Throughout the week, broad, green leaves budded and covered nearly every visible branch. Without a doubt, this tree was alive and in five years, more exquisite than I had ever imagined.

I'm not a great philosopher or wise man and I'm not proficient with analogies and morals but observing this tree everyday reminds me of the necessity for love. Although I still have issues with religion, trivial events like this inspire me and reaffirm my wavering faith in miracles. To me, this tree symbolizes love, life and faith. While the following line is cliché it is reasonably pertinent: even when you think all hope is lost, there is a miracle. I just wanted to share this small story with everybody.