Respect For Russert

I'm not a overly politically minded person and tend to get on the bandwagon when it suits me. When I learned that Tim Russert of NBC had passed away suddenly late last week, I was stunned like everyone else. I'm a big fan of the Today Show on NBC and watch it every morning while I eat breakfast and get ready for work. It was through the Today Show that I was introduced to Tim Russert. Subsequently, I only recently become a "fan" of his throughout this past primary season. I can't stand "talking heads," the political analysts who all feel they have something important to say. Each one gets on their soap box, trying to out do the other and while some cloak their biases, other "heads" reveal their support for certain candidates. Granted it is only their opinion, but I prefer a neutral tone. Tim Russert fit what I liked and much more. He was fair and balanced. He was the only analyst I would listen to. The way he explained politics, his attitude, his love for the job really impressed me. After a segment on Obama or Clinton aired, they would turn to the analysts and if Tim wasn't among them, I immediately tuned out. While I never watched Meet The Press or caught his show on MSNBC, I had great respect for him and it saddened me to hear of his passing. It definitely won't be the same.

On a side note, I don't know what's wrong with me (hormones maybe?!) but I actually got misty-eyed this morning when they showed this picture.

Luke Russert came to the Meet The Press studio and placed his hand on the chair his father usually sat in and for some reason, I was close to breaking down. I've only cried a few times in life in reaction to something on TV. (1) the last scenes of Philadelphia and (2) The Laramie Project on HBO. That's it. Not much brings me to tears. Even watching the horror of 9/11 didn't bring me to tears. Maybe having a boyfriend is really causing the ice walls of my heart to melt!

Epiphany

I was so upset with SideKick on Saturday. The night before, he had called me moaning and groaning about this much older DL guy that he had been seeing. The guy had basically used him for money and was even trying to hook up with SideKick's friend. I hadn't said anything last time but I didn't hold back. I just told him like it was. So because I was so forthcoming, he agreed to attend pride with me the next day. Of course, he rolled in 3 hours late due to train problems and teenage friend problems. Then to add insult to injury, he basically ignored me and started walking around the festival checking for cuties. So I basically told him I'd call him later and left rather peeved.

On the train ride home, I was ticked and then a nagging voice started asking me, "why are you so upset that he's checking out other guys?" "Why are you mad about the old DL guy?" That's when I realized that I really care about SideKick, and not just in a friendly way. But accepting that truth was a struggle within myself and still is. You see, SideKick is about 9 years younger than I am, obsessed with his Sidekick and while he's got plenty of great qualities, he's also not on the same maturity level as I am. Don't get me wrong, he's mature for his age but not in the same way my friends are. He's got a beautiful smile, outgoing personality, and can cook his butt off! He's not your stereotypical buff guy or twink. He's a bit thick but that's all right by me!

We met a year ago and he wanted to hook up but I didn't. I told him, I just wanted to be friends and was really focused on my studies. He tried. He tried. He tried again. Oh boy did he try to wear me down! He came close a few times and we shared a lot of intimate details but I continually told him I didn't feel comfortable with the age gap and that while he's sweet, he wasn't my type.

But he's been on my mind a lot lately and I do get visibly excited (my family can attest to that) when he calls! And I even met SideKick's best friend who was rather cute but still found myself attracted to SideKick. I talked to my mom over the weekend and she said, there's nothing wrong with the age gap (she and my dad are 16 years apart) and that if you like him, go for it. Ironically, my friend The Divo had prophesized earlier this year, "sometimes the one for you is staring you in the face." Little did I know it was SideKick.

We met up late Sat. night and I confessed what I felt for him and we talked, flirted and eventually kissed that night! I haven't been kissed in about two years now and man, it felt good! I admit, I'm actually afraid of love. I'm afraid of failing. I'm also concerned of what others may say and afraid of breaking his heart or getting mine broken. I'm also afraid he might not be the one. I'm at the point in my life where I want a serious relationship, maybe move out and marry and have a family. He's young and while I'm sure he's not completely like I was, I know that exploration is a part of youth. I'm learning to open up again. I want to trust and embrace but it's hard. I don't want to end up bitter, cold and alone. But it's also hard to completely give myself, especially since I'm used to just doing what I want, and being independent and single. I hope SideKick will be patient with me. I don't want to hurt him but I need time to fully blossom.


To live beautifully human, one needs to take a risk, to step out on a limb. And I'm doing just that. I don't know how long we'll date. We are opposites in personality (he's outgoing and social and I'm quiet and shy) and maybe that will help us click. We could be together for years or just a month. Who knows? I just would hate to let this opportunity pass by without trying. So baby, if you read this, just go easy with me and I promise you won't regret it! :o)

What Have You Done Today To Make You Feel Proud?

The perfect weekend! I haven't been this active on a weekend in a long time. And it couldn't have gotten any better! Although, I plan to catch back up on my sleep by next week!

Funny, everyone was so superstitious on Friday because of the date. But I changed my thinking and found it to be my luckiest day. Aunt Thomasina was out (paying homage to the 13th; you know how evil does!) and my commute to and from work was flawless. Everything just flowed, plus I was looking forward to pride! That night, my friend, SideKick, called me up to bitch about this older DL guy he's been seeing. I was kinda annoyed so I basically just told him point blank to "ditch the guy, you deserve better, he's just using you, blah, blah." I'm usually not so forceful (that's reserved for my oldest friends) with someone I've only known about a year but I just couldn't stand by anymore. He ended up dumping old dude.

So Saturday I headed to a dr. appt and while I'm not a skinny-mini (yes, I have a strange-ass vocabulary!), I'm not grossly overweight. Anyway, my doc had an intern in the office who was “yes sir-ing” him up the wall! And of course my doc decides to show off so he's booked an appt for me with the dietician in August. I'm kinda offended since I took a nutrition course last semester and know a lot more than I did before. So I've resolved to work my butt off in the next few months, drop the pounds and change my habits and hopefully I can avoid some anorexic chick telling me what I should and shouldn't eat. I'm pretty good anyway. I don't eat any junk food (like once in 3 months) and salads almost every day for lunch. Plus I'm eating Cheerios every damn day (trying to do that cholesterol thingy). We'll see in a few months ...

So after that humiliating visit, I was off to pride. SideKick called me and said he wanted to meet up. My mom had bailed on me so it worked out fine. Of course, I got all the way over there and ended up watching the entire parade all by myself and walking around the city looking like a loser! I was so heated! SideKick is about 9 years younger than I am and rolled in with his lil' teenage posse about 3 hours after it was over. He totally ignored me and the crew began trolling for cuties. So I just bought a t-shirt, a rainbow bandana and was out (no pun!). I was so so heated going home, mostly because he blew me off and I thought it would be just the two of us. I actually missed The Divo. I had a blast at last year's pride because of him. Anyway, SideKick and I made up later on in a very nice way (see: Epiphany).

So after pride, I went home, got changed up and my bro, Rugrat, and I went back into the city to see Chris Rock. Besides the anal ushers and the tight-ass seats (my knees were jammed into the seat back in front of me), we had a great time. Chris was funny as hell and ragged on everything from R. Kelly, Anna Nicole Smith, Barack and Michelle Obama, McCain, Bush, Britney Spears, gas prices, Osama Bin Laden, men and women and numerous sex jokes! And even my beloved Tim Russert wasn't immune. This was my first comedy show and Chris is a comic genius and just blew me away! Afterwards, Rugrat and I walked across the city to the Cheesecake Factory and had dinner outdoors. It was great brotherly bonding time. I like the CF for it's classiness but the food is rather "blah." I really should've just ordered the cheesecake and called it a night.

For Father's Day, we all went to my sister's house and I got to see my bro-in-law, nieces, great-nieces and great-nephews. It was a lot of fun, even if I was sucking in grill smoke! This was my first time seeing my newest great-niece (she's only a month or two old) and she's just too cute! My dad was actually less cranky than usual and actually enjoyed his day. I filled up on soda, burgers, chicken, steak, cake and mac & cheese. My bro and I kept chasing the lil' kids around, squirting them with a water-bottle we found and they just had a blast! I know they must've slept well last night.

My day hasn't started too well today but I'm sure it's bound to get better. Everyone enjoy your week!

Cross My Mind

I've been promising for the past few posts that I'd reminisce a little about Kingston so here goes. In order to declare oneself beautifully human, you have to acknowledge your mistakes and your past. Kingston was my first boyfriend and my first love. He's Jamaican, tall, dark, chocolate and sexy as hell! Well to me he was! And still is.

I met Kingston while I was dating my high school girlfriend. I was off at school in Florida and we met via an AOL chat room (romantic, eh?) on Jan. 15th, 2000. I still remember he came in and I IMed him and said in my immature way, "they don't talk to black guys in here" ... great first liner! Anyway, we struck up a conversation and before you knew it, I was up all night long, every night, typing away. We traded those dumb survey e-mails (you know the ones your annoying ass friends send you over and over again asking "who's most likely to respond?") and I sat on my bed, in my dorm room with my laptop, laughing, giggling and totally infatuated. My roommate had to be annoyed though he never showed it. Eventually we progressed to phone convos but they were hard at first because of his accent. I remember going back online telling him, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't quite figure out what you said!" My teenage love affair got so serious that I started skipping classes and all I could think about was him. What he looked like in person, how great it would be to just be with him.

Well to speed things along, my girlfriend and I broke up after a while (I think she suspected something was up) and I ended up packing my bags and heading to NYC to meet him. Yeah, stupid! I hear stuff on the news now about all the gay bashings and killings and I'm so thankful that I had a guardian angel with me. Meeting a strange guy in a huge city (plus I lied to my folks since I hadn't come out yet) could have spelled disaster but instead it turned into something I'll always remember. I stayed on Park Ave. in this upscale but tiny hotel room. We ended up spending every waking and sleeping moment together. We went to his neighborhood in the Bronx, went to Central Park, Times Sq., the Empire St. Building, and Christopher Street and almost managed to get to the Statue of Liberty. The weekend was mostly overcast, muggy and rainy but I didn't care. I was in love. It started to rain in Central Park and he gave me his shirt (too big) for me to wear and I still have it to this day.

The first moment I met Kingston, I was hooked. He had these huge biceps in this tiny black muscle tee and always carried a white towel like he was coming from a workout. And the bubble ... Lawd have mercy! Like Jill said, "it would turn me on just to see you walk into the room, across the room, out of the room ... " He was the first guy I ever kissed and it was so strange feeling his stubble on my lips. Whenever I was held, I felt so safe and secure and while he wasn't out to his family, I always felt he opened up to me in ways he never could with anyone. I have a thing now for Jamaicans, dreads and all things curry, thanks to Kingston.

Flashing forward to the present, things fell apart. I don't think I could handle the pressure of a long distance relationship and got suspicious. I also think I needed to explore. I was now officially inducted into my gayness (LoL) and wanted to discover more. Believe me, my black book can attest to the strange s*** I've seen! But even after all these years, he's moved on, I've moved on, we still have a connection. We talk now and then on the phone or via IM but it's more like an unconditional love. I recently got back in touch with him a few years ago and while we've both aged, he still looks good to me. Most would disagree, but he's always been my boo. There's a spark but it's not as strong. I like it that way. He came to visit during pride week a few years back, and we were sitting up watching QAF after a long hot day in Boston. He simply decided to stretch out and his head ended up on my lap and he was snoring. I realized at that moment how comfortable we are with each other. He's not free to be himself at home but here, my family came to accept him and consider him like family and he's visibly relaxed when it comes to some PDA (public displays of affection).

Kingston's in a relationship now and our convos are steadily dropping off. He's reached the big 3-0 mark and seems to be ready to settle down. I used to get very envious and jealous (even though he's not my man anymore) when he blew me off. I guess, I still have a soft spot for him in my heart. But I'm also realizing now that he has to be happy. I just hope what friendship we do have doesn't die completely. Beyond every guy I've ever dated, he's the only one I truly gave my heart and soul to and loved unconditionally. He's seen me at my best and at my worst (that's a long ass story that involves a lot of booze) and while I never truly appreciated what we had and do have, I do like it. If you happen to read this, I just want to say thank you.

“But the reality is, honestly you where never good for me and I was never good for you. I just remember what we used to do … “ – Jill Scott (Cross My Mind – Words & Sounds Vol. 2: Beautifully Human)

All Hail the Goddess of Soul

If ever I had forgotten why I had “fallin” in love with Alicia Keys before, I sure as hell had a smack-in-the-face wakeup call last night! I don't even know where to begin it was just that amazing! You know, I don't even think amazing is the best word to describe her!

First of all, I'm a pianist so to give you a little background, I originally went to college for aeronautics but quickly realized it wasn't for me. I'm not a technical-minded person. So I went through a depression, a little counseling, some career counseling and went with my original talent. I've been playing since I was 6 years old. Started on organ (mostly theatre and pipe organs) and then self-taught myself the piano. I transferred to Berklee and swam in the sea with the big fish for a while but alas, it wasn't to be (very $$$). Several years later and I'm at UMB working on my BA in Music. Needless to say, it was Miss Keys who inspired me to “go ahead” with music and try Berklee out. Now back to the concert.

Jordin Sparks & Ne-Yo (that's my big-headed baby but I love him and those thick lips and sexy eyes so step with all that negativity about him!) did a excellent performance but they were mere insects in the presence of a goddess once Miss Keys emerged! She began the show with a recorded vid of Cedric the Entertainer, Jimmy Jam & Terry Lewis and Jennifer Lewis at church and sending lil' "Licia" out into the world. So she exited the church and then the screens parted and in this UFO-like entrance (picture bright light from a hatch, smoke, shadow, think Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind), she blessed us with her presence! She did several numbers, great choreography, dancers, the band is tight. Then out from the same alien-hatch emerged her baby grand on a pedastal. It was kinda eerie (it did that several times throughout the night) since one time it was under red lighting and smoke and the piano looked it was coming from the mouth of hell but anyway, I digress. She dismissed the band temporarily and gave us a few classics like "How Come You Don't Call Me" and "Butterflyz" along with "Goodbye."

She did the song "Prelude To A Kiss (Nana's Reprise)" and had a montage of the children in Africa she visited and asked everyone to text to a certain number as a donation to support her Keep A Child Alive foundation (click on the link if you want to donate). Not too many people, including myself, did it so I'm not sure how much they made. Felt a bit bad but with times tough, not to mention that most people already paid a fortune to get in to the concert (and eat), I'm not too surprised. I greatly respect her charity work and admire her dedication and resilience and hope to donate in the near future.

Alicia had a few breaks and let her backup singers, including Jermaine Paul, command the stage while she changed, and then came back to do "Superwoman," "Teenage Love Affair," "Go Ahead," "A Woman's Worth," "Unbreakable," "Diary" (with Jermaine), "Karma" (which had a James Bond spy theme!) and then revisited "Fallin'." She did a number of lesser known songs but ironically didn't touch "If I Ain't Got You" ... she kept the energy going, music non-stop and then when it seemed it was over she popped back out and got the crowd to their feet with "No One." And lastly, she hopped up on the piano at one point and played backwards. Excuse me for I must bow to the master! All hail the Goddess of Soul! I respect the piano greats (Donny Hathaway, Stevie Wonder, Elton John, Duke Ellington) but playing backwards ... DAMN ... I need to step up my skills! LOL

I prefer the intimate feel of our raggedy Orpheum Theatre but last night's show proves Alicia has grown too big for a small venue. The lighting, camera work and the special effects demonstrate her maturity. My first time seeing Alicia was on the First Ladies Tour (Beyoncé & Missy) and while she was spectacular then, she didn't have that certain flare. I saw her again but there were still no fancy screens, or cameras. But this time, she's really come a long way and if this is just after 3 studio albums and one live album, I can't wait to see what she has in store for us in the years to come!

Happy Birthday ... you're under arrest!

Okay, I know I said that Kingston would be the next post but I forgot the file on my home computer (I'm at work) so as soon as it gets e-mailed over to me, I'll post it. In the meantime, today is my brother's birthday and he got one heck of shock last night!

I got all the way over to class (UMB) and found out we didn't have class. Granted I was pissed (and hot)! Our first 5 page paper was due (after an extension) and I had really rushed to read the assignments and get it done only to find that out! I was relieved because I got the rest of the evening to myself but if I had checked my school e-mail, I might have avoided a trip over there on a hot crammed up subway train! So I hopped on the bus to go home when I notice a bright yellow SUV go flying by the bus! Yeah, I saw my brother with a bunch of people in MY car! Needless to say, I was ticked! So I try to call him but he's not picking up. I get home and realize I needed to go out and pick up his birthday card. I change clothes, and head back out. Our parents were away for the night so the only vehicle left was our green van dubbed the Green Monster! It's a deathtrap but it couldn't be any worse than the crazy ass Explorer I used to have. That thing damn near killed me! I know, another post! So I pick up the card, grab a Father's Day card too and head back home after stopping for a coolatta.

As I'm pulling up to the house, I notice a police car behind me. I'm thinking, "hmmm, okay, they're just out patrolling especially since that incident with the music the other night." I pull up to the curb and begin parking and then notice the po-po never passed. I check the rearview mirror and there he is behind me. I was starting to sweat, and I had the AC on. I've been fortunate enough to never have been pulled over by any police and I wasn't about to have that happen now. I get out and the guy comes over to me as my brother comes out. Apparently my brother called the police because he thought the van had been stolen!!! So he told the cop and the guy was fine, that "at least I don't have to do any paperwork!" and drove off. You think I was sweating? My bro took about 15-30 min. just chilling in the kitchen. The van belongs to our dad so I think he was afraid he'd get in huge trouble! He thought I was off at class so he didn't know I had come home. Course, if he hadn't taken my car, I wouldn't have had to use the Green Monster.

Anyway, talk about a way to kick off your 24th birthday! Happy Birthday, Rugrat! :o)

I'mma Put You On The Bus

Awww, a nice hot, hazy and humid Tuesday! By the way, for those that don't know me, I don't like heat or humidity! I'm not a huge fan of sub-zero temperatures either so I guess fall and spring are ideal for me.

So it's pride week here in Boston and I pulled out the old dusty ass rainbow bracelet. Us SGL guys know that's not really about pride ... it's all about sending that signal to another SGL that you're gay and looking whether or not your in a relationship. Sidebar: yeah, this weather is making me crazy horny! Ugh, all I can think about is Kingston. Next post! I promise! So I'm running late and already sweating by the time I make it up the bus stop. I'm cranky, irritable and just downright hot when as I'm getting on the bus I had a "Madea's Family Reunion" moment. Dude driving the bus was insanely cute! I've seen him a few times before. I didn't like him for his looks as so much for his courtesy. Not too many dudes that haul that citybus stop for you, let alone pull over to the curb. Imagine that! Everytime I see him, he's always like "sup" and looking good with the leather gloves and cornrows. Picture J-Holiday grown and sexy. I've got a thug addiction like every other lil' gay boi out there. I want to settle down, try the family and marriage thing (Massachusetts baby!) but I can't help getting caught up in ol' dude's swagger. I felt kinda bad since I wasn't as friendly as I usually am back to him today. Well, the delirium didn't last. Crowded train. Another hot walk up to the office. And then, just to bless my day, Aunt Thomasina made an appearance.

In a nutshell, she is a supervisor who so happened to be distantly related to me. The name is a play on Uncle Tom since she's like Condoleeza Rice a kissup. Anyway, she's known for having a nasty attitude, completely unfriendly and last year, basically cussed us all out in a meeting w/the VP. Yeah, so let's just say that while I try to find the good in people and try not to "hate" (it's such a strong word), I really can't stand this woman and I’m very close to hating her! Thankfully, she's no longer part of the family (divorce) and I only have a few more months to put up with her. She and I hashed out our problems in private after that disastrous meeting but I've never really had much respect for her since then. We're cordial but that's about it. I avoid passing by her office and like today, when I saw her headed into the lunchroom, I just turned right around and went back to my desk. The less contact I have with this so-called woman, the better.

Oh well, at least my J-Holiday bus-driver got the day started right!