Monday, June 16, 2008


I was so upset with SideKick on Saturday. The night before, he had called me moaning and groaning about this much older DL guy that he had been seeing. The guy had basically used him for money and was even trying to hook up with SideKick's friend. I hadn't said anything last time but I didn't hold back. I just told him like it was. So because I was so forthcoming, he agreed to attend pride with me the next day. Of course, he rolled in 3 hours late due to train problems and teenage friend problems. Then to add insult to injury, he basically ignored me and started walking around the festival checking for cuties. So I basically told him I'd call him later and left rather peeved.

On the train ride home, I was ticked and then a nagging voice started asking me, "why are you so upset that he's checking out other guys?" "Why are you mad about the old DL guy?" That's when I realized that I really care about SideKick, and not just in a friendly way. But accepting that truth was a struggle within myself and still is. You see, SideKick is about 9 years younger than I am, obsessed with his Sidekick and while he's got plenty of great qualities, he's also not on the same maturity level as I am. Don't get me wrong, he's mature for his age but not in the same way my friends are. He's got a beautiful smile, outgoing personality, and can cook his butt off! He's not your stereotypical buff guy or twink. He's a bit thick but that's all right by me!

We met a year ago and he wanted to hook up but I didn't. I told him, I just wanted to be friends and was really focused on my studies. He tried. He tried. He tried again. Oh boy did he try to wear me down! He came close a few times and we shared a lot of intimate details but I continually told him I didn't feel comfortable with the age gap and that while he's sweet, he wasn't my type.

But he's been on my mind a lot lately and I do get visibly excited (my family can attest to that) when he calls! And I even met SideKick's best friend who was rather cute but still found myself attracted to SideKick. I talked to my mom over the weekend and she said, there's nothing wrong with the age gap (she and my dad are 16 years apart) and that if you like him, go for it. Ironically, my friend The Divo had prophesized earlier this year, "sometimes the one for you is staring you in the face." Little did I know it was SideKick.

We met up late Sat. night and I confessed what I felt for him and we talked, flirted and eventually kissed that night! I haven't been kissed in about two years now and man, it felt good! I admit, I'm actually afraid of love. I'm afraid of failing. I'm also concerned of what others may say and afraid of breaking his heart or getting mine broken. I'm also afraid he might not be the one. I'm at the point in my life where I want a serious relationship, maybe move out and marry and have a family. He's young and while I'm sure he's not completely like I was, I know that exploration is a part of youth. I'm learning to open up again. I want to trust and embrace but it's hard. I don't want to end up bitter, cold and alone. But it's also hard to completely give myself, especially since I'm used to just doing what I want, and being independent and single. I hope SideKick will be patient with me. I don't want to hurt him but I need time to fully blossom.

To live beautifully human, one needs to take a risk, to step out on a limb. And I'm doing just that. I don't know how long we'll date. We are opposites in personality (he's outgoing and social and I'm quiet and shy) and maybe that will help us click. We could be together for years or just a month. Who knows? I just would hate to let this opportunity pass by without trying. So baby, if you read this, just go easy with me and I promise you won't regret it! :o)

1 comment:

bLaQ~n~MiLD said...

Awwwwwww that was cute. I'm the opposite of you as well. Extremely sociable and outgoing but happily single for now. Afraid of love and afraid of being hurt. Hurting others...well I seem to have that down pack even tho I never intend to hurt anyone. Great post.