Friday, August 15, 2008

Friday Blues

Should anybody ask for me
Tell 'em I'll be right back
In a real short time,
It's just that I lost my mind
Gotta find it

I don't wanna lose my focus
But it's bound to leave
Everytime you come runnin' into me
You come runnin', runnin'
All we use to be
Shouldn't even matter to me

(Brandy - Focus: Afrodisiac)

This is my final Friday on the plantation the job and one would think I'd be thrilled. However, I've got some grey clouds swirling over my head. Welcome to my pity party. It appears that every time I'm feeling good (i.e. L.M. Ross contacting me), I always seek out the blues.

Kingston and I have been corresponding for several days and of course I transform into an idiot when I talk to him even though I realize he's moved on and actually seems happy. Some "desperate housewife" behavior ensued and now I've got pie on my face. I have the ultimate green eyes. And not just for ex's. I'm constantly eyeing my friends and their "seemingly perfect relationships" as well as some family (definitely not all!) I'm not naïve; I know everything isn't always perfect on the other side of the fence. Still, it's a habit I'm working extremely hard to break.

Twists returns tomorrow but honestly I haven't been feeling him while he's gone. I did miss him but I'm beginning to think that was just the lust infiltrating my thoughts. I've been horny as hell since he's been gone and even ventured back on BGC a few times. Lately, I'm in a sexual mode and I can't turn it off. I've got a hunger in my eyes while watching hot guys on the train and I'm extremely close to revisiting “casual hookups” again. Thankfully, I’ve only two weeks before school begins and then maybe I’ll focus on my studies again.

The last part of this grey cloud centers on my departure from work and beginning the semester. Let's do some self analysis!

"Lie down on the couch and tell me when this all began!"

Nah, for real, I suppose I'm despondent because significant changes are coming. I'm exiting my comfort zone. I've had the same routine, co-workers and boring a** train ride for over five years. Soon I’ll be broke with no idea when I'll get a job all while attending classes during the day. Consequently, I'm contemplating further on my future, or lack of. Another five semesters and I'll be finished. It will pass awfully quick. Truthfully, I don't know what I want to do following graduation thus I'm deliberating graduate school. However, that may be a stalling tactic to circumvent the "real world" and establish a career. I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed and thus I'm seeking sexual companionship to ease the stress.

Hmm, maybe I should change my major to psychology …

I don't really want feedback. I just needed to express this peculiar feeling and regain the right mentality. I’ll check back on Monday and hope everyone has a good weekend!

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