Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Celibacy Blues

This here celibacy thing
Lawd, just got something over me
Like an addict, I could really use a thing
You know what I'm talking about
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

It's been hard to sleep at night
I'm ying ying ying ying it
Scratching it right
I get some new batteries almost every night
Lawd, this here celibacy thing

The stresses of this world
You know how they come down on a girl
I'm trying to clear my mind
But all I seem to find
Is this gangsta, gangsta, type of need

People say mind over matter
But, I don't mind what they say
And it don't matter
This here celibacy thing
Is working on me...

(Jill Scott - Celibacy Blues, The Real Thing: Words & Sounds Vol. 3)

I'm going to break from my usual enlightened personality and admit that I got the "blues." I usually don't want to put my personal "needs" out there for the world but I am feeling Jill. And after yesterday's train ride ... yeah, I can testify it truly is a gangsta type of need!

So I hopped on the Red Line (Ashmont line) and headed to school. I actually managed to find a seat and heavily plopped down; complete exhaustion threatened to overwhelm me. I'm a people watcher so I sat there observing everyone, and not just the men. Yes, I "window shop." It helps to pass the time on the slow ass T (MBTA for you out-of-towners). So the train slowly pulled into Downtown Crossing station and the crowd frantically created a competition of who can get off first while pushing the old lady on to the ground.* I began dozing, a habit I do on the train so I don't have to look at crotches and thighs as well as avoiding eye-contact with the pleading ladies who are desperate enough to sell their soul for a seat.
*Note: The T is the best embodiment of Darwin's Evolutionary Theory and truly is "survival of the fittest."

The train filled up and I pulled my bag closer to me as I felt a warm body slide into the seat next to me. Nothing unusual about that. As the train moves out of the station, the person pushed further back and I was roused from my sleep. Curiosity compelled me to open my eyes. A young, skinny black teen (18 or 19-ish) was next to me with his backpack strewn over the seat next to him. As the train ride progressed, I found him getting closer to me, practically rubbed up on my leg. Then he leaned back with his shoulders on mine. To illustrate the closeness, he could have laid his head on my shoulder. He then started digging in his right pocket to retrieve his Sidekick and his arm and elbow were all in my side and on my left thigh. Essentially, this continued all the way to my stop (JFK/UMass) and needless to say, I was pushed almost to my breaking point. For a few minutes, I almost thought he was my man! LOL

No one was next to him but yet he chose to practically grind up on me? I even tested the waters and pushed back. I did notice him do the over the shoulder glance back toward me a few times. Now I wasn't about to try and hook up with anybody but all I know is that I haven't felt a contact like that in a quick minute. Sadly, I've closed myself off so much that I ended up getting turned on by a stranger on a train. Personally, that's quite pathetic. Welcome to my rock bottom.

Needless to say, that encounter nearly released my ho-ish personality again. My "black book" is filled with a few one time encounters and other dumb things that I did all in the name of sex. I have moved on from my immature ways but apparently the dragon hasn't been completely vanquished. And yesterday proved that I need to continue to keep it locked up and think with my brain. It would have been so easy to go home and find a random hook up but I know that in the end it won't fulfill my desire, which is to have a serious relationship.

But in the meantime, "this here celibacy thing is working on me ... "


YoungBlack&DL said...

Hmmmm....interesting post.

I feel though, that the latter part was inspired by someone else's post, but I'm not quite sure. It was something familiar about the rock bottom and hoeish ways

So that's your rock bottom, getting turned on, or shall I say almost getting turned on from some stranger grinding on your leg on the train? I guess rock bottom is different for everyone of us.

I say you didn't have to sleep with him, but why not introduce yourself to his ass, was he cute. Why not get that scratch itched, that hasn't been scratched in quite sometime, Jill Scott isn't celibant anymore.

How long has it actually been?

K.C. said...

Yes, definitely inspiration in the last part from you! Much respect ... there's a reason you and the other guys are listed under "My Muses" ... nah, I'm too shy plus, he was too young. Tempting but nah. Um, how long? .... thinking ...... thinking ..... thinking ..... about 3 or 4 years now.