Friday, July 4, 2008

Think Twice

I broke a record in my personal life. I had the shortest relationship ever. SideKick and I amicably parted ways this past weekend. We're very much attracted but realize that a relationship just isn't going to work with where we are at in life. He's starting a new job and I'm going to be finishing up my semester and then beginning a job search of my own by September. He's young while I'm settled in my ways. His idea of fun isn't mine. While opposites can be fun, in this case, I had seen a discord even before we hooked up. That's one of the reasons I had been keeping him at bay for nearly a year. I'm not saying it was step backwards but I'm looking for stability and security (never thought in a million years I'd say that, now I know I'm old! LOL). I want to move out, raise children and since this is Massachusetts, eventually get married. I like SideKick but I'm also an old fashioned guy and he's part of a younger generation that I realize I can't quite connect with. His idea of fun, morals, love, and many other things is so much more different than mine. I hope he'll find happiness since he's a great guy and deserves it.

The friends with benefits came up but I don't think that'll happen. I take sex seriously. I am a huge flirt and have a wild side. But I've matured such that it's got to be with someone I'm dedicated to, no matter how tempting anyone is. That's why I'd never cheat. Besides having had it happen to me, I just can't deal with guilt very well and I'm always thinking long-term. Not just about how it'd ruin my relationship but my mind, my health, my life, my soul.

The greatest benefit from this short relationship is that I was able to open my heart again. I've closed it off for the past three years. I had begun to accept that I'd never find love and just focused on myself and my goals. That's fine and dandy, but everyone needs love. I had grown cold-hearted and bitter. Even seeing couples together (SGL or straight) caused my heart to shut down even more. However, being with SideKick and having someone to call and talk to, to make your day feel better with just a text or a phone call, that has melted the ice and I'm learning to love again as well as forgive myself and others. I'm going to begin dating again and maybe I'll find someone who uniquely compliments me. Who knows? All I know is that right now, I feel spiritually alive again and I'm going to open my heart to new possibilities.

"I keep moving forward, pressing onward, striving further. I keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving. I keep on dreaming, keep on achieving, keep on believing (I keep) I keep smiling when I come thru ... and I cry when I need too." - Jill Scott (I Keep - Words & Sounds, Vol. 2: Beautifully Human)

4 comments:

Prince Xem VanAdams-Lumumba said...

I suppose that Im sailing in the Same, or Similar boat that you once sailed. Ive been single for the past 4 Years, and Ive accepted the FACT that Im probably going to be Single for the rest of my life. My focus and concentration has been upon myself, for Ive given up on the idea of 'Falling-In-Love'.

Maybe...just Maybe...Ill find My Sidekick along my journey towards self fulfillment. I Guess I shouldnt have Prayed so HARD, 4 Years ago, to NEVER Fall-In-Love again; as to avoid the Pain and Suffering of a BreakUp, HeartBreak and Love Lost.

SIGHS....

K.C. said...

Please don't give up on love. That's the lesson here. I had forgotten that and let cynicism reign supreme. I don't know you well but eventually you'll have that epiphany. Never put yourself second but don't give up on love. It's a horrible state of existence; extremely dark, dismal, and purely subhuman. Just don't give up ...

Once again, I stress this quote:

"I keep moving forward, pressing onward, striving further. I keep on laughing, keep on living, KEEP ON LOVING. I keep on dreaming, keep on achieving, keep on believing (I keep) I keep smiling when I come thru ... and I cry when I need too." - Jill Scott (I Keep - Words & Sounds, Vol. 2: Beautifully Human)

YoungBlack&DL said...

Oh my God for a minute here I forgot, that I was reading s post form someone in their 20s not a 50 year old man, your set in your ways, because you don't want to change. You act like you are 25 years apart in age. I say, you haven't really tried to give it a chance.

WHo knows you could be missing out on something great, because of a few differences.
How did you two become friends, if you are so different, that you can't even fathom trying to give yourself a chance to not even love him, but like him more than a friend?

You told me some shocking revelations in an email , that I still am in awe about. Was you having been cheated on, that devasting, that it changed you for this long?

K.C. said...

Man, DL, you sound like my young bro, Rugrat. He put me in my place a few weeks back saying roughly the same thing. Ticked me off at first but now that the stubborn-ness is gone, you and my bro are right.

But ... I know what I wanted and that relationship wasn't it. I knew it. From the first day I met him, I wasn't strongly attracted as I normally am to a guy and in the end, it was sorta wrong to string him along ... sides, you missed the whole point, I am opening up again.

Moreover, I am an old soul and one of the "last romantics" and he was young and all about sex. I'm not against dating older or younger, but there has to be a connection.

On the last note, I think you got me inspired to write about that. Why is everyone so surprised when I put that up?! sheesh! LOL