Cross My Mind

I've been promising for the past few posts that I'd reminisce a little about Kingston so here goes. In order to declare oneself beautifully human, you have to acknowledge your mistakes and your past. Kingston was my first boyfriend and my first love. He's Jamaican, tall, dark, chocolate and sexy as hell! Well to me he was! And still is.

I met Kingston while I was dating my high school girlfriend. I was off at school in Florida and we met via an AOL chat room (romantic, eh?) on Jan. 15th, 2000. I still remember he came in and I IMed him and said in my immature way, "they don't talk to black guys in here" ... great first liner! Anyway, we struck up a conversation and before you knew it, I was up all night long, every night, typing away. We traded those dumb survey e-mails (you know the ones your annoying ass friends send you over and over again asking "who's most likely to respond?") and I sat on my bed, in my dorm room with my laptop, laughing, giggling and totally infatuated. My roommate had to be annoyed though he never showed it. Eventually we progressed to phone convos but they were hard at first because of his accent. I remember going back online telling him, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't quite figure out what you said!" My teenage love affair got so serious that I started skipping classes and all I could think about was him. What he looked like in person, how great it would be to just be with him.

Well to speed things along, my girlfriend and I broke up after a while (I think she suspected something was up) and I ended up packing my bags and heading to NYC to meet him. Yeah, stupid! I hear stuff on the news now about all the gay bashings and killings and I'm so thankful that I had a guardian angel with me. Meeting a strange guy in a huge city (plus I lied to my folks since I hadn't come out yet) could have spelled disaster but instead it turned into something I'll always remember. I stayed on Park Ave. in this upscale but tiny hotel room. We ended up spending every waking and sleeping moment together. We went to his neighborhood in the Bronx, went to Central Park, Times Sq., the Empire St. Building, and Christopher Street and almost managed to get to the Statue of Liberty. The weekend was mostly overcast, muggy and rainy but I didn't care. I was in love. It started to rain in Central Park and he gave me his shirt (too big) for me to wear and I still have it to this day.

The first moment I met Kingston, I was hooked. He had these huge biceps in this tiny black muscle tee and always carried a white towel like he was coming from a workout. And the bubble ... Lawd have mercy! Like Jill said, "it would turn me on just to see you walk into the room, across the room, out of the room ... " He was the first guy I ever kissed and it was so strange feeling his stubble on my lips. Whenever I was held, I felt so safe and secure and while he wasn't out to his family, I always felt he opened up to me in ways he never could with anyone. I have a thing now for Jamaicans, dreads and all things curry, thanks to Kingston.

Flashing forward to the present, things fell apart. I don't think I could handle the pressure of a long distance relationship and got suspicious. I also think I needed to explore. I was now officially inducted into my gayness (LoL) and wanted to discover more. Believe me, my black book can attest to the strange s*** I've seen! But even after all these years, he's moved on, I've moved on, we still have a connection. We talk now and then on the phone or via IM but it's more like an unconditional love. I recently got back in touch with him a few years ago and while we've both aged, he still looks good to me. Most would disagree, but he's always been my boo. There's a spark but it's not as strong. I like it that way. He came to visit during pride week a few years back, and we were sitting up watching QAF after a long hot day in Boston. He simply decided to stretch out and his head ended up on my lap and he was snoring. I realized at that moment how comfortable we are with each other. He's not free to be himself at home but here, my family came to accept him and consider him like family and he's visibly relaxed when it comes to some PDA (public displays of affection).

Kingston's in a relationship now and our convos are steadily dropping off. He's reached the big 3-0 mark and seems to be ready to settle down. I used to get very envious and jealous (even though he's not my man anymore) when he blew me off. I guess, I still have a soft spot for him in my heart. But I'm also realizing now that he has to be happy. I just hope what friendship we do have doesn't die completely. Beyond every guy I've ever dated, he's the only one I truly gave my heart and soul to and loved unconditionally. He's seen me at my best and at my worst (that's a long ass story that involves a lot of booze) and while I never truly appreciated what we had and do have, I do like it. If you happen to read this, I just want to say thank you.

“But the reality is, honestly you where never good for me and I was never good for you. I just remember what we used to do … “ – Jill Scott (Cross My Mind – Words & Sounds Vol. 2: Beautifully Human)